


Perfect

by Skylark62



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Friends to Lovers, HIV/AIDS, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-05-20 14:04:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 50,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14895963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylark62/pseuds/Skylark62
Summary: A man who finds out he is HIV positive is consumed with anger and turns to murder, determined to wreak as much havoc as he can on those he blames for his downfall. He is caught by SVU and prosecuted by ADA Rafael Barba, but the aftermath of this case changes Rafael's life forever.(Bad summary, but I don't want to give away too much of the plot!)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is finished, and I plan on posting a chapter every few days, so I won't keep you in suspense for too long. 
> 
> Lots of hurt/comfort and some description of violence in chapters 2 and 3, although I don't consider them particularly graphic. I only write happy-ending fics though, so you can expect all the usual characters to live happily ever after by the end of it all. 
> 
> Although a medical professional, I am not a doctor, so my knowledge of HIV/AIDS is mainly from the Internet to supplement my own training. I apologise for any errors, and am happy to correct any that are pointed out to me.

Prologue

Jez couldn’t believe his life had disintegrated as quickly as it had. One minute everything had been fine and the next it had crumbled to dust. Sure, his marriage had been a bit rocky – he didn’t know any couple who didn’t have their ups and downs, but he and Lauren had been married for 8 years and he hadn’t been about to give up on it, even though he suspected she had had an affair last year. He had decided at the time that he was better off not knowing for sure, as he knew he had a temper, and would probably make things worse if she confirmed it.

But the last month had been hell. There were constant hospital visits as Lauren’s health had visibly deteriorated. At first they hadn’t known what was wrong, just that she was sick and not getting any better. But then had come the diagnosis. She was suffering from AIDS, and at this very late stage, they were warned that it was unlikely she could be saved. He was tested too, and found to be HIV positive with a high viral load. He could feel the fury rise up in him like a furnace which had had kindling thrown into it. With his wife’s weakened state, she couldn’t withstand his anger and quickly confessed to her affair, and that they hadn’t used protection as she was on the pill. She had never considered that he might be HIV positive, despite him telling her that he was bisexual. She had been in love, until he left her for someone else.

A week ago Lauren had passed away from pneumonia, one of the cocktail of AIDS-related illness she had been suffering from. The funeral had been today, and despite the pain of his loss, Jez couldn’t put aside the anger that felt as if it was consuming him. He had felt as if he was sleep-walking through the funeral and the wake, helped along by a few shots of whiskey, and now couldn’t rest. He was determined to get revenge, not only for his wife’s death, but for himself. He had been started on antiviral meds, but they were making him feel sick, and it would take some time for them to find the right combination to help him.

He had found his wife’s lover, Philip Banks, after a bit of research. He stalked him at night, watching him go into a gay bar and flirt with men there, before leaving with one young man and having a sordid assignation in a back alley. The rage grew until Jez couldn’t contain it any more. The younger man slipped back into the bar with a smirk on his face, adjusting his low-riding jeans, without seeing Jez hiding in the shadows.

Jez slipped quietly further into the alley. He could feel the rush as he got closer to his prey, the man lounging against the brick wall smoking a cigarette. Jez took out the knife he had brought with him and advanced closer. He saw Banks’ eyes widen as he realized he was in danger, but before the man could say anything, he drew the knife across his throat. He felt the warm spurt of blood which pumped out of the man’s neck and saw the life drain out of his eyes, before he slumped to the ground. He was dead within a minute.

He looked down at the man he had just killed, feeling a rush of satisfaction at a job well done. Then he spotted a brown mark on the man’s chest where his shirt hung open. He knew this mark was a sign of AIDS as his wife had had them too, and felt his anger rise up again. He leaned over the body and pulled the shirt aside, and quickly carved ‘MURDERER’ into the man’s chest. Then he moved further down and thrust the knife into the man’s groin. He smiled in satisfaction at his handy-work, before hearing a car horn and realizing he needed to get out of there, now. He slipped into the shadows again, putting his knife away and disappearing into the night.

***

Chapter 1; Two weeks later.

Detective Sonny Carisi looked at the board in the squad room, resigned. Another new photo without any leads. Five men all killed by having their throat slit, and also mutilated by a knife to the groin. They also had words carved onto their chests. ‘Murderer’, ‘Faggot’, ‘Infected’, ‘Slut’ and ‘Adulterer’. It was obviously the work of one man, and he had military training they thought, as he showed no signs of hesitation, and had easily sliced the carotid artery. The men were all killed quickly before they could raise the alarm.

He heard movement behind him as the other members of his squad joined him. Lt Olivia Benson looked over the board with a frown on her face before facing the members of her team again. “Okay, we now have a fifth body. We have to stop this man, now. Where are we?” She glanced round at Sgt Fin Tutuola first.

“Between us we’ve spoken to as many people who we can identify who were in the bars where the men were found close to, but with no luck so far. Obviously this latest victim – James Andrews – hasn’t been investigated yet, but I’m not hopeful as this guy seems pretty good at covering his tracks. I’m going to head over there and see what I can find out this morning.”

Amanda was next to answer. “I’ve got hold of all the CCTV footage from the areas and been going through it, but I haven’t seen anything suspicious yet. The video from near last night’s scene is on its way to me now.” She rubbed her eyes and Carisi could see shadows under them from the late nights and hours she had spent looking at the computer screen watching video footage.

He felt his boss’s eyes on him so quickly answered. “I’m seeing Dr Warner this morning. She has been backed up but is going to go through her findings with me. So far all I know is that she thinks the same knife is used in each attack. She found some dried blood on one of the victims which may be from one of the earlier ones. DNA analysis will take a few days though.”

Lt Benson nodded. “Okay, get at it. But if you get any leads or ideas let me know immediately. The press is all over this and so are 1PP. We’ve got to get this murderer off the streets before any more men are killed.”

Carisi picked up his jacket and put it on as he swigged the last of his barely-warm coffee. He grimaced. He was so tired from this case and felt dirty as he hadn’t had as shower in the last day, and was just getting a few hours sleep in the crib each night. He headed off for the medical examiner’s office, hoping he would get a lead. They really needed a break in this case now, before another man ended up dead.

Dr Melinda Warner smiled at him as he walked into her office and he slumped down in the chair opposite her, giving her a tired smile before taking a sip of his fresh coffee. He really needed the caffeine today. She got straight to business.

“I’ve not had time to do more than a preliminary exam of the latest victim, but his wounds are consistent with the others. All 5 men were killed by a single slice to the throat, which cut their carotid artery. They wouldn’t have suffered much as death would have been very quick. The other wounds were post-mortem. As I mentioned on the phone to you, I found some trace evidence of blood on the third victim, Lucas Stacey, which I am having analyzed. The knife wounds are consistent and I believe all the cuts on all the men are by the same knife, which could be a standard hunting knife, of the type used in the military. The lack of hesitation marks and the single wound to the throat also could indicate military training.”

Carisi caught up with his notes and looked up. “Anything else? We need to try and figure out if these men were targeted and there are any similarities between them or if they are random.”

Melinda hesitated. “All 5 men show signs of recent sexual activity, and all of them have indications of anal trauma, which could indicate they are gay or bisexual. There is no semen though or DNA from anyone else on the first 4 victims. I don’t know about James Andrews yet. The word ‘faggot’ on Peter Smith’s body points to that too. Justin Price had ‘infected’ on his chest and was HIV positive, as was Philip Banks who appeared to have progressed to having AIDS.”

Carisi felt his heart speed up. This could be something useful. He smiled at Melinda and thanked her before getting up and heading out again, this time with the autopsy reports she had passed him. He got back to the squad room and knocked lightly on Lt Benson’s office before walking in. She took off her glasses and leaned back in her chair as she looked at him.

“Please tell me you’ve found something,” she said wearily.

“Maybe,” he answered. “Dr Warner thinks all the men may be gay or bisexual as they show signs of anal intercourse and two of the men were HIV positive. Philip Banks had AIDS. I was thinking that he was the first victim which is often the key to the case, and he had ‘murderer’ carved into his chest. We couldn’t find any criminal record though or signs of violence in his past. What if he infected someone with HIV and that is why some man out there considers him a murderer? It could be one of his past lovers or a relative of someone he infected. The Department of Heath can’t share information about people who have HIV to the police but we may be able to get information with a warrant.”

Lt Benson smiled. “Good idea Carisi. Call Barba and see what he can do, and in the meantime dig into Banks’ background. Let me know as soon as you find anything out.”  

Carisi got up and headed back to his desk with a spring in his step despite his exhaustion, already on the phone to Barba’s office. Finally they had a lead they could follow.

***

 A day later, and Carisi was back in his boss’ office feeling triumphant. “Lieu,” he said to attract her attention as he walked in “I think I’ve found him. The Health Department coughed up the HIV information when I gave them the warrant. Philip Bell infected 4 partners that they are aware of – 3 men and 1 woman.”

“A woman? I thought he was gay?” the Lieutenant questioned.

Carisi nodded. “I thought so too, but he was bisexual. Looking into the men didn’t lead anywhere; one is dead and the other two don’t appear to be angry about their HIV status and there is nothing in their history to suggest any military training or triggers. But the woman is a different matter.” He paused for dramatic effect, and was pleased to note he had his boss’s full attention.

“Lauren Johnson appeared to have had an affair with Philip Banks a year ago. She went back to her husband when Bell dumped her, from what I found out from her best friend and social media. She never realized she was HIV positive until about a month ago when she was diagnosed with PCP – an AIDS illness. By then it was too late, and she died three weeks ago. Her husband, Jeremy, was also infected and was only diagnosed when his wife’s illness made it obvious she was HIV positive. He used to be in the army before he was dishonorably discharged for fighting. He was apparently very angry at his wife and her lover, according to the friend, who saw him last at Lauren’s funeral, which was on the 16th.”

 He could tell the date rang the same bells in her head as it did in his; this was the date of the first murder. It looked like the funeral was the trigger that set Jeremy Johnson off on his killing spree.

“Take Fin and pick him up now,” Lt Benson said in a grim tone of voice as she picked up her phone. Then she glanced at him again as he turned to walk out. “Well done Carisi. It looks like you’ve broken this case.” He felt his face break out into a grin. It never got old, being told he’d done a good job.

***

Jeremy Johnson was a big man, and rough looking. He had come in without a fight when they had picked him up, and didn’t look too surprised either. Carisi was sure this was their man. He had a feeling in his gut about it.

“So, Mr Johnson, we want to talk to you about Philip Banks. I believe you knew him, or at least your wife did,” Fin started, in a serious voice. They had decided that he was going to be the ‘bad cop’ to Carisi’s ‘good cop’. It was a role Fin was very good at, and one Banks was more likely to believe, given they both had military backgrounds. He saw Johnson’s face harden as the name of his wife’s lover was mentioned.

The suspect shrugged. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said in a belligerent tone of voice.

“Of course you do,” Fin continued. “Your wife had an affair with him at the start of last year – she seemed pretty keen on him too from what her friend Belinda told us. She was going to leave you for him.”

“Oh him. I never met him, and my wife loved me. She realized that it was a mistake and came back to me.”

Fin laughed. “Is that what she told you? According to her friend Banks dumped her so she felt she had no choice but to come home to you. It wasn’t what she was going to do.”

Carisi could see Johnson’s huge hands ball into fists and a flush start on his face at the provocation.

The older detective got right in his face. “That pissed you off didn’t it. Not only did he screw your wife, but he infected her with HIV which she passed on to you, and it killed her. I bet you wanted to get revenge on him didn’t you? He ruined your life and killed your wife. That’s why you murdered him.”

Johnson sprung to his feet and took a swing at Fin who quickly backed out of the way before ducking behind the suspect and pushing him back down into the chair. “Yeah, you’ve got an angry streak haven’t you? Easily provoked into violence. That got you kicked out of the army and now it’s really got you in trouble.”

Johnson was taking deep breaths in, obviously trying to control his anger. Fin nodded subtly to Carisi, who knew it was his turn to change things up and put the suspect off-balance.

“I know this last couple of months must have been hard for you Jeremy. Your wife is sick and no-one can figure out what is wrong. She gets worse and worse before finally they diagnose pneumocystic pneumonia. They tell you she has AIDS and test you for HIV, and then you find out you are positive. That must be a real blow. I can imagine that made you angry. It would anyone. At the same time you have to watch your wife die. You loved her, I can tell, so that must have been devastating.” Carisi was careful to appear sympathetic, and could tell it was working when Johnson looked up, with tears in his eyes.

“Yeah, I loved her. It’s been awful,” Johnson muttered in a low voice, barely looking at Carisi.

“If it was me, I think I would want to confront Banks, make sure he knew what he had done to my family. That’s what you wanted to do wasn’t it Jeremy? That’s why you followed him to that bar after your wife’s funeral.” Carisi paused, waiting for an answer that didn’t come.

“But talking to him didn’t help did it? Seeing him and knowing what he did to your wife just made you angry again and you couldn’t control yourself, could you? If that is what happened you need to tell us Jeremy. You weren’t in control of yourself after an emotional day where you buried the love of your life. It was a crime of passion. A jury would understand this, and if you confess, things will go easier for you. But you need to talk to me. I can’t help you otherwise.”

Carisi watched the suspect and Fin stayed perfectly still in the corner of the room, out of sight of Johnson. Neither of them really believed he would confess. If he had only committed the one murder, then what Carisi had said was true, but they knew he had killed four men after Banks, and those couldn’t be explained away.

Johnson stayed looking down at the table in front of him, and they could see he was getting himself under control. Finally he straightened up in his chair and looked up with a smirk on his face. “Nice try detective. Does that really work on anyone? Play ‘good cop’ and hope your suspect falls for your lies? Well it’s not going to work on me. I want a lawyer, now.”

Carisi sighed as he and Fin left the interrogation room. It was time to call Barba and get a search warrant for Johnson’s house. They would have to do this the old fashioned way and get the proof they needed to put this scumbag away for life.

***

When Carisi made it back to the precinct 6 hours later, he found Lt Benson and ADA Barba in her office. They looked up as he entered with a tired smile on his face.

“Looks like we hit the jackpot; we found the knife in a kitchen drawer, still with traces of blood on it. Of course DNA analysis will need to be done, but I recon he used this knife on all our victims. A jacket in the closet has blood in the pocket too, and there is clothing in the hamper and boots with what looks like blood splatter. I also found a notebook with doodling in. The names of all the victims are in it, along with information that wasn’t revealed to the press. It links the cases and proves that they were all committed by Johnson. This guy didn’t seem to care about hiding evidence.”

Lt Benson smiled at him. “Good work Carisi. Do you want to go in and arrest him for the murder of Philip Banks? We can save the others until the DNA results are in.” She glanced at Barba who nodded.

Carisi nodded. “It would be my pleasure.” He grinned at Barba, taking in the man’s well-fitting suit and colorful tie. Any time he saw Barba was a good day in his book. 

He headed off to the interrogation room and knocked on the door when he saw that their suspect was talking to his lawyer. The men stopped talking as he entered.

“Stand up,” Carisi said, looking at Johnson. The man looked at his lawyer who could see Carisi getting out his handcuffs, and nodded to his client.

“Do as he says, and don’t speak to anyone. I’ll see you at arraignment,” the man said to Johnson.

“Jeremy Johnson, I am arresting you for the murder of Philip Banks. You do not have to say anything, but anything you do say will be taken down and may be used in evidence against you. You have the right to a lawyer. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you.  Do you understand your rights as I have read them to you?” Carisi recited by rote. By now it tripped off his tongue without him having to think about the words, which meant he could concentrate on cuffing Johnson and pushing him out of the room, past the other detectives and Barba and down to holding.

His evening would be made longer by paperwork and this arrest, but he could cope with that. It was worth it to finally solve this case.


	2. Chapter 2

Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba strode into the courtroom and put his briefcase down on the desk, taking out his notes, although he didn’t expect to need to refer to them. He didn’t think this motions hearing would take long. He watched the young public defender take his place, noting his uneasy movements as he looked around the courtroom as if acquainting himself with it. He felt a smirk grace his face. ‘Probably his first time in a courtroom or at least on a murder case’ he thought, and felt his confidence increase still further. He knew Johnson had no money to pay for a decent defense lawyer considering he had his wife’s medical bills to pay, and the fact that such an inexperienced public defender was allocated the case showed no-one expected anything but a win for the prosecution. In his opinion it was an open-shut case; they had motive and physical evidence galore, and the fact that there was no eye-witness didn’t bother him as they were notoriously unreliable.

The side door opened and Jeremy Johnson was brought into the court and took his place next to his lawyer before looking round and glaring at Rafael. He expected defendants not to like him, he was after all the one trying to put them away, but the searing anger he saw in Johnson’s eyes was extreme. He had seen it when the man was arrested, as he had been stood with Liv outside her office as the cuffed man was taken away, and again noticed it at arraignment, and it seemed to be getting stronger. He was glad bail had been denied and this man was off the streets, for good if he had any say in the matter.

“All rise for Judge Al Bertuccio,” rang out the call from the court clerk. Everyone in the courtroom stood as the imposing figure of Judge Bertuccio took his place before sitting again.

“All right people, we are here for the case of the People vs Johnson on 5 counts of murder. You had a motion to put forward, Mr. Packman?” the Judge intoned, looking at the defense attorney.    

The man bobbed to his feet quickly. “Yes, thank you, your honor. I want to ask the court to consider these cases separately, not together. There isn’t sufficient evidence on the cases to do otherwise. There is no physical evidence on 2 of the cases, and no motive on 4 of them. There are no eye-witnesses for any of the murders. It is unfair on my client to lump them all together like this.”

Judge Bertuccio nodded then looked at Rafael. “Mr Barba, may I take it you disagree with Mr. Packman.”

“I certainly do your honor. These 5 murders are clearly performed by the same suspect, as they were all killed by identical knife wounds to the neck, all had words carved into their torsos and all had knife wounds to their genitals. The medical examiner’s report indicates the size of the knife was the same in all 5 cases and was consistent with a military knife. Such a knife was found in the home of Mr. Johnson, and there was blood from two of the victims on it, and boots with a blood drop from another victim. He has a strong motive for the first killing, and there is physical evidence that links him to 3 of the remaining 4 victims of his spree. Finally, we have a notebook with writing in it which we can show is the defendant’s. The names of all 5 victims are in it, along with the words carved into them by the killer, which was not revealed to the press. Only the killer would have known this information. We believe this is ample justification for linking the cases and trying them together.”

Judge Bertuccio turned his attention back to the defense lawyer. “Anything further to add, Mr. Packman?” Rafael could see the young attorney wilt in front of the judge as he shook his head then looked down.

“I agree with the People on this motion. The evidence so presented does link the cases sufficiently and should be tried together. Are there any other matters needing this court’s attention on this case?” Rafael shook his head and saw his counterpart do the same. 

“Very well, this case is adjourned until trial, to commence at 9am on July 14.” Judge Bertuccio stood, rapidly followed by everyone in the court, as he walked out and back to his chambers.

Rafael shuffled his papers together and put them in his briefcase before looking up. He could still feel the glare from the defendant on him and it put a shiver up his spine. He didn’t usually react that way to even the most evil men, but something about this one was bothering him. He was happy to be distracted by Detective Carisi appearing at his side.

“Well done Counsellor,” the young detective grinned at Rafael, who felt himself preen. He loved getting praise and especially from this detective. He wasn’t sure if Carisi hero-worshiped him or had a crush on him, or maybe both, but the regular attention and praise made Rafael feel good.

He smirked at the detective. “With evidence like this, it really wasn’t difficult. I don’t think the trial will be either unless Johnson can get himself a competent lawyer.” Rafael glanced over his shoulder, watching Johnson being escorted out of the courtroom, but without ever taking his eyes off Rafael. He felt the hairs stand up on the back of his neck. He would be glad when this trial was over, even if it would be an easy one to win. He headed out of the courtroom with Carisi, determined to take his mind off the case and enjoy the company of the younger man.

“So Carisi, talk to me about Prieur v. State and State v. Jackson, and how these cases are applicable to determining whether cases should be severed for trial or not.”

They headed back to his office, with Carisi answering his question, and proving he had a good working knowledge of when cases could be tried together or had to be separated. He then questioned the detective on case law applicable to the case itself, and was pleased to see the detective and budding lawyer was well-studied. He watched Carisi’s eyes light up every time he confirmed that the younger man was correct with one of his deductions, and the thought that he was very attractive went through his mind. He tried to banish it. It was hardly the first time that he had had those thoughts about Carisi, but they were work colleagues, and at totally different positions in their careers. He shouldn’t have thoughts like that, no matter how the younger man’s eyes sparkled and how kissable his lips were.       

***

Sonny managed to watch quite a bit of the trial after he gave his evidence. He always got a kick out of being in the courtroom, and knew that as a result of his experience, he was in a better position than most of his fellow Fordham Law classmates. He found himself thinking of better arguments that the defense could put forward, and questions they could pose to the witnesses, but he knew that the evidence was such that the defense would lose, no matter what they did. The evidence was just too strong.

Much of the time in the court he was admiring Barba though. He had heard about the ADA before he even joined SVU in Manhattan, and had been thrilled to get the chance to work with him, and impress him with his legal knowledge. That hadn’t happened, but he had learnt a lot, and with experience, the ADA had let-up on him and was no longer making the vicious comments he had in the past. Now it was more snark, which Sonny was sure was done just to get an eye roll or grin. Barba knew it didn’t bother him, he was sure. Often the ADA allowed him to help with legal research, and explained aspects of the cases which Sonny hadn’t picked up on. He had also allowed him to work-shadow him, if reluctantly. He felt he had earned his place at the prosecutor’s table during the Hodda trial though, and was hopeful he would get the opportunity again. He made sure to study up on all the case law applicable to whichever case was being prosecuted, in the attempt to prove himself to the ADA.

But Sonny knew his feelings for Barba went beyond admiration for the lawyer’s abilities. He was bisexual and was seriously attracted to the older man. He always had been, and as time went on, it had just intensified, as their relationship changed to something closer to friendship than just work colleagues. Whenever the squad went out at the end of a case, it was Sonny that Barba sat next to, and often the two of them stayed talking long after the rest of the team had gone home. Sonny also welcomed the opportunities to work late nights researching with the ADA. He wasn’t sure his feelings were reciprocated, although he hadn’t given up hope yet. Sometimes he saw Barba looking at his lips, and each time this happened his heart missed a beat. He didn’t have the courage to make a move though. Not without more evidence he wouldn’t be rejected.

He watched Barba closely as he strode confidently in front of the jury, giving his closing argument. Sonny found himself watching Barba’s animated features as he spoke about the violence of the murders, and linking all the evidence together. He could see on the jury members’ faces that they were hooked. He saw Barba smile slightly at him as he sat down to listen to the defense closing. There was no comparison between the two men, or their arguments. None of the jury members looked convinced by Packman’s argument, and Sonny could see it in his face as he sat down.

When the jury was sent out to deliberate, Sonny approached Barba. “Great closing! I loved the way you tied all the evidence together. The jury really bought it, I could tell. I bet they don’t take long to convict him.” Sonny knew he was babbling, but sometimes found it difficult not to.

Barba glanced briefly at him. “Let’s hope so,” he said, but Sonny could see his attention was on Johnson, who was glaring at him. He had spotted Johnson’s fury before during this trial, and it always seemed to be focused on Barba. It was strange, and if the man wasn’t behind bars, it would worry him, but there was no way the killer was getting out.

The two men went to the coffee shop close to the court and Carisi asked for assistance on one of his assignments. He knew that when the jury was out, Barba didn’t like discussing the case as it was out of his hands. So he had brought one of his assignments with him deliberately in the hope of engaging the ADA while the jury was deliberating. They sat in a corner booth and Sonny enjoyed the verbal sparring between them as they debated the most applicable cases to prove the points he was trying to make while they had a coffee. Normally they would go back to Barba’s office, but they had a feeling that this wouldn’t take long. 

Sure enough, it only took the jury one hour to reach a verdict – guilty on all counts. Again Sonny spotted Johnson’s focus on Barba, as he hardly appeared to hear himself being found guilty. Sonny still didn’t like the way he looked at the ADA, but luckily he was locked up for life now with no chance of parole.

***

The alley was dark and narrow, and stank of urine, but Jez didn’t allow it to faze him. He was on a mission, probably the last one he would be able to do, as he knew he would never be able to escape again. He had only managed it this time with assistance from his brother, who had helped him. He had paid money from his wife’s life insurance to the family of one of the prisoners due to be released the same day of Jez’s transfer to a different facility. The man had been desperate, as his family was being threatened by drug dealers. He didn’t care what happened to him, as long as his wife and daughter could get away. Jez made that happen, and in return, got his freedom. He was under no illusion it would last; he knew he would be caught and this time they would throw away the key. But he didn’t care, as long as he got this one last job done. The man who had put him away had to pay.

He had asked his brother to find out about ADA Barba, under the pretext of research to try and influence him during the trial, and his brother had done that. As a result, Jez knew the man’s usual haunts, where he worked and lived, and was pretty confident of being able to catch the lawyer unawares. He stood in the alleyway, watching the early morning sun start to rise, knowing it would be soon that the ADA would pass by him, if he went on his usual daily run. People were so predictable, and it made his job easier.

He glanced to the right as he heard footsteps approaching, and ducked back as he saw his target approaching at a jog. He glanced to the left and saw only a deserted street. He listened intently as the footsteps got closer, and then as a shadow fell on the sidewalk in front of him, he sprung.

It only took a second, and then both men were in the shadows of the alley, with Johnson pressing on Barba’s carotid artery on his neck with one hand and the other clamping his mouth shut to keep him quiet. After a couple of seconds, he let go of the shorter man’s neck, and on cue, the man crumpled to the floor. Johnson quickly pulled the unconscious man up and heaved him over his shoulder, before striding away towards a deserted building that was at the other end of the alley. Unlike his previous victims, he had no intention of killing Barba. He wanted him to suffer, and for that, he had to live. He was going to have some fun with him though.

***

Rafael knew something was wrong as soon as he started to come to. He was lying on a damp floor in the semi-darkness, and could tell his hands and ankles were bound with flexi cuffs and he had a gag in his mouth. He opened his eyes and saw a shadowy figure in front of him. The man moved and came closer with the light and Rafael recognized Johnson instantly. He felt his whole body go cold, even as the panic began. How could Johnson have escaped? What was he going to do with him?

He watched the grin on Johnson’s face grow and knew the murderer was aware of his panicked thoughts. He saw a glint of light as the man drew something out of his pocket and held it in front of Rafael’s face. It was a large knife. Rafael started to shuffle backwards until he hit a wall and had nowhere to go.

He watched Johnson advance on him and then sit down cross-legged in front of him. “You’re probably wondering what I’m going to do to you,” the man said in a reasonable sounding voice. “I’m not going to kill you, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve got other plans for you.” The knife got closer to his chest and Rafael froze in panic. The sweatshirt was cut from his body by the sharp knife, as if it was butter. The man batted away the two sides of the cloth, baring Rafael’s chest. He ran the tip of the knife along the skin of his chest, not cutting the skin, but just enough to be felt. “Unlike the other men, you’re going to feel every cut as I mark you. And I’ve got something else for you too.”

Rafael watched the man draw something else out of his pocket, and strained to see what it was. Then the man brought it up to the light, and Rafael saw it was a large syringe. The man grinned and rolled up his sleeve to the elbow, and then wrapped a belt around his upper arm tightly, as a tourniquet. He grinned again at Rafael, who had figured out what was going to happen, and started to hyperventilate as he tried to squirm away from his captor. He tried to scream, but only muffled sounds escaped the cloth in his mouth, and Johnson punched him in the face before kicking him repeatedly in the ribs and back.

“Stop moving or I’ll hurt you more,” the man said viciously. He looked down at his arm as he inserted the needle into a protruding vein, and began to withdraw blood. Rafael looked in horror, knowing the man was HIV positive and the blood was infectious. He couldn’t stop himself shrinking away again when Johnson advanced on him with the syringe of blood.

“Hold still now,” the man said as he grabbed one of Rafael’s arms above the elbow and tightened his hand until the veins plumped up. He then knelt on his forearm and plunged the needle into the vein, injecting all the infected blood into Rafael before discarding the used syringe on the floor.

Rafael saw Johnson look at his watch. “I’m sure we will have time for that to take effect. I’ve been studying you know, while I was locked up. Drugs can help stop the HIV infection taking hold, but they need to be started as soon as possible. No-one is likely to miss you today, so you’re not going to be rescued until tomorrow at the earliest. That gives all those viral particles a long time to make themselves comfortable in your bloodstream. And there are lots of them. Since the trial ended I’ve stopped taking my meds, so my viral load will be high. You think about that.”

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Sonny sat at his desk looking at the piles of paperwork he had to do and cradling the coffee cup in his hand. He had caught up with his family this weekend but also had a late night studying for an assignment due today. He had finished it on time and emailed it in, so felt tired before he even started his week.

“Carisi, get in here,” he heard from Fin who was in Benson’s office.

Sonny sighed and got to his feet, not relinquishing his coffee. He needed the caffeine. “What’s up Sarg?” he asked the older man.

“Jeremy Johnson escaped jail on Saturday. He managed to convince another prisoner to switch off with him at the transfer point and is in the wind. The Feds are looking for him, but they wanted our input to see if there was anything that turned up during the case that could lead to a location he might be hiding out. You were part of the search team. Do you have any ideas?”

Sonny felt adrenaline flood his system as he considered the potential consequences of the murderer being loose on the streets. The thing that came to his mind was the fury the man directed at Barba. He shook his head to clear his thoughts.

“Nothing I can think of. There weren’t any signs of a favorite vacation spot and he didn’t own any property. Other than a brother, Nigel, there was no other family. I assume the brother has been picked up?”

“Yeah, he was involved in the escape. Paid the family of the prisoner who exchanged places with Johnson,” Fin said.

 “There is no good reason for Johnson to escape. He can’t go far with no money, and he needs his meds to stay healthy, so he can’t reasonably be expecting to stay out of jail. So what’s his motive for this?”

Fin shrugged. “I wondered the same thing. You got any ideas?”

“Maybe.” Sonny hesitated. He considered whether to voice his initial thoughts, and then decided he needed to, if only to rule them out. “In the courtroom he kept watching Barba. It was really intense and with such fury. Johnson couldn’t be considering going after him could he?”

Fin frowned but immediately picked up the phone. “I don’t know, but I think we’d better check and keep Barba protected until Johnson is caught to be on the safe side.” The phone was obviously picked up at the other end, and Sonny could hear Carmen announcing it was the office of ADA Barba. He heard Fin ask if Barba was at the office, and then ask the assistant when he was due in, and where he was now. Sonny held his breath as he waited to hear the answer.

“Barba hasn’t arrived in work today and he’s not due in court,” Fin said, but Sonny was already on his cell, ringing Barba. The phone was switched off. Sonny felt adrenaline hit his system as his worry intensified. He had never known Barba to switch his cell off, especially during office hours. Even when he was in court it was on silent, not off.

“His cell is turned off,” Sonny reported to Fin. He could hear the panic in his voice. The idea that the ADA could be dead was inconceivable.

“Okay, you get to his apartment to check it out, and I’ll put in a call to Liv. It might be her day off, but she needs to know about this. I’ll also notify 1PP and get a search out on Barba. Let me know what you find.” Sonny could hear the worry in Fin’s voice, but was reassured by the logical steps Fin was suggesting. They needed someone with a clear head in charge.

Sonny sprang to his feet and immediately headed for the elevator at a jog. He had a bad feeling about this.

***

Rafael squirmed on the floor. His arms were painful from where they were tied behind his back and bruises were starting to ache from his treatment over the last day. Luckily Johnson had ignored him for the last few hours, dozing off in the corner of the abandoned building. Rafael had tried not to do anything to wake him up, not wanting any more abuse. He was having another problem though. Having been tied up for so long, he needed the restroom. His bladder was threatening to give way, and he knew there was nothing he could do about it. He clamped his legs tightly together and tried to hold on, but couldn’t. He felt a wave of despair as he felt the wetness spread from his groin down his legs and form a puddle under him. Tears fell from his eyes as he wondered if he would ever get out of here alive.

A siren sounded outside and Johnson woke with a jerk. He looked around at Barba. “Well you’ve made a mess haven’t you?” he sneered. “A fancy man like you with your thousand dollar suits, and now you’ve pissed yourself. I wonder if we will be here long enough for you to shit yourself too.” Rafael felt sweat form on his forehead as the big man got to his feet and walked toward him. He found himself dragged a few feet away to a clean patch of floor, so Johnson could approach him without getting his feet wet.

“Time to have a bit more fun with you I think.” Johnson sat next to him and got the knife out again. “So I’ve been thinking what I want to carve into you. During the trial you were defending those perverts - are you one? Do you like taking it up the ass? I bet you do. If it wasn’t for men like you, my life would be fine. You make me sick. Spreading disease and infecting innocent people with your filth. Well I’ll make sure everyone knows what a pervert you are. For the rest of your life you will have a permanent reminder.”

Rafael saw the knife draw closer and then felt the sheering pain as it slit the skin of his chest. He tried to scream but couldn’t. Tears poured from his eyes as the torture went on. He struggled to breathe as his nose filled up. He couldn’t make out the letters that were being carved into him, but every cut brought agony. It seemed to go on forever, before Johnson finally stopped and grinned down at his handy-work. Rafael could feel the sting of the cuts and blood dripping down his sides and pooling on his abdomen. He tried to calm himself down again. Would this never end?

***

An hour later when he got back to the precinct, Sonny saw a hive of activity. He popped his head into his boss’s office, and found her on the phone, so after she saw him, headed back out to where he saw Fin at his desk.

“Any news?” he asked.

“Barba was out for a run yesterday morning and uses an app on his cell which sends GPS info to the cloud every 5 minutes. The last reading shows him not moving, so we think that is where he was grabbed and his cell switched off. CSU are at the scene and have found signs of a struggle, but nothing else. We’ve isolated a 3 block area around there and are searching. If all he wanted to do was kill Barba, he would have done it there, so we’ve got to assume Johnson wants him alive for some reason.” Fin indicated towards the other desk, where Det. Amanda Rollins was sat staring intently at her screen. “Rollins has all the CCTV footage from around the area and is checking it for signs of Johnson and Barba after Barba’s cell signal went dead. Nothing so far.”

“Carisi,” he heard called by Lt. Benson. He looked around to see her stood in the doorway to her office. “Can you help Rollins with the CCTV footage now you’re back?”

Carisi knew he should just do as he was told, but he knew he would go mad if he was made to stay at the precinct. “Please Lieu, I need to be out there. I can’t just sit still here when I knew Barba is out there, in danger. Plus, shouldn’t someone he knows be on the scene for when they find him?” He had a pleading look on his face that always worked with his family. He wasn’t sure it would work on his boss, but would try anything at the moment.

She looked at him intently for a moment then nodded. “Okay. Report to Cpt Morgan and keep me informed of progress. There are a few buildings under construction in that area which are having to be searched floor by floor, so an extra body there may help.”

Sonny gave her a relieved smile before heading out again. At least he would be on the scene when they found Barba. He didn’t dare consider that he wouldn’t be found, or wouldn’t be alive when he was found.

***

Sonny looked at the 15 floor building in front of him. It was under construction and currently unoccupied as the building contractors were waiting for planning permission to be finalized. It was at the end of the alley where Barba had been taken, and so a likely place that Johnson could have holed up with his hostage. The building door had been secured with a padlock, but that had been cut off, and recently, CSU thought. ESU were entering the building, along with a hostage negotiator, and all Sonny could do was wait with Cpt Morgan listening to the updates on the radio, and hope for the best.

Time seemed to pass very slowly as the negotiator spoke to Johnson through the door to the office space they found locked. Johnson was threatening to kill his hostage if his demands weren’t met. ESU were taking positions in neighboring buildings with sight to the office space, but reporting they had no clear shot. Johnson was stalling for time, and demanding the earth from the negotiators.

Eventually though, they managed to get a shot when Johnson moved position slightly. Within seconds the door was broken in and Johnson was cuffed, despite the gunshot to his shoulder, and being taken away.

Sonny ran up the 4 flights and skidded to a stop as he reached the scene. He showed his badge to the SWAT Sgt who tried to stop him, and then went round the men. He didn’t spare more than a glance for Johnson, who was being manhandled away from the scene.

Sonny crouched down on the other side of Barba and looked at him. He could see the blood on his chest and tears streaming down his face. His heart melted. “Barba, it’s me, Carisi,” he said, reaching one hand down to the fastening of the gag and untying it. He felt Barba flinch away from him but wasn’t deterred. He sat down next to the distraught man and removed the gag, then took out a tissue and wiped his face. Barba’s eyes opened, and Sonny saw him register who he was before the tears started again.

One of the SWAT officers handed Sonny a knife which he used to cut the flexi cuffs from Barba’s wrists and ankles, and then a bottle of water. Sonny held the water to Barba’s mouth and supported his head as he took a sip, and then tried to gulp down the water.

“Easy there. Don’t try to drink too much or you’ll be sick. We’ll get you out of here soon. Medics are on the way and Johnson is under arrest. You’re safe now.” Sonny drew the upset man into his arms and comforted him until the medics arrived. Even then, he held on to Barba’s hand, reassured by the strong grip he felt in return. He wasn’t leaving his side. 

It took 10 minutes for the medics to get Barba onto a stretcher and secured so he could be transported to the waiting ambulance outside. Sonny was adamant that he was going with them, and the medics saw the grip Barba had maintained on the detective so acquiesced. He struggled more when they got to the hospital though. The nurse insisted he wait outside while the doctor checked Barba out, and that he needed to fill in multiple forms with Barba’s details.

He sat outside in the waiting room after he finished with the forms. He couldn’t believe that they had found Barba alive. He had been so worried that he had left it too late; that he might have had a chance with his crush but he had chickened out of asking. Now hope blossomed in his chest. Not only was Barba alive, but he had seemed happy to see him. He realized he probably would have reacted the same way to Fin or Amanda, but even so, he would take it. He was determined to be here for Barba to help him as much as he could during his recovery. Then, when the ADA had recovered, he vowed he would find out once and for all if his feelings were reciprocated. Life was too short to waste time.

Sonny’s cell rang. It was Cpt Morgan. “Detective Carisi?” the man started. “CSU have found a used syringe with some blood in it at the scene. It looks possible that Johnson injected blood from himself into Barba. He’s not speaking and won’t confirm it though. You’d better tell the doctors.” Sonny felt his heart stop. He quickly went into the room where Barba was being examined. The nurse tried again to stop him but Sonny persisted.

“The man who was holding Barba was HIV positive. A syringe containing traces of blood was found at the scene. You need to check for needle marks.” The nurse stepped back at hearing that, and Sonny slipped past her to lean over the bed and make eye contact with Barba.

“Barba, look at me,” Sonny insisted, and saw the ADA’s eyes open and look at him. “We found a syringe at the scene. Did Johnson inject you with his blood?” He saw Barba’s eyes tear up again and wiped away tears that escaped as the injured man nodded. He tried to speak but only a croak came out. The nurse walked towards him and glared at Sonny.

“Please let me stay with him. You can see he responds to me,” Sonny said, indicating his hand which Barba had taken hold of again. The upset man hadn’t taken his eyes off Sonny since he had walked into the room. “I’ll stay out of your way, I promise.” He saw the nurse look down at Barba and then back at him, and her gaze had softened.

“All right, for now you can stay. I’ll get you some ice chips. He can have those to soothe his throat and mouth.”

“Thank you,” Sonny replied, before turning his full attention to Barba. He smoothed his hair back from his face and when he was passed a plastic cup of ice chips, took a few out and held them to Barba’s lips. He felt a tingle as his fingers touched the older man’s lips, but he ignored it, knowing now was not the time to be having those feelings. He murmured soothing words to Barba, and gave him ice chips until he shook his head to indicate he had had enough. Barba never took his eyes off Sonny.

An hour later, his injuries fully assessed, Barba was being given anesthetic to enable the plastic surgeon to stitch up his chest wounds without causing pain. The cuts had been cleaned thoroughly, and it was decided although he was at risk of infection from the dirty environment he had been in since the cuts were made, they weren’t too deep, and would heal better with minimal scaring if they were stitched. He also had 2 broken ribs and severe bruising to his hip and kidney. Barba by this point was able to speak, although his voice was croaky and definitely not his usual confident tone.

“What does it say?” Barba wanted to know, indicating his chest. Sonny paled.

“Don’t worry about it. The surgeon will be able to repair it, and you can have plastic surgery later if any letters are still visible,” he tried to hedge. He saw a vestige of the usual Barba glare at this response, and knew Barba would find out eventually what Johnson had carved onto this chest.

He stayed silent for a few seconds more, looking down at the large letters now perfectly visible as the blood had been wiped away and the ADA’s chest had been shaved of chest hair. He felt a clenching on his hand and looked into Barba’s eyes again. Reluctantly he answered. “It says ‘pervert’,” he said softly. He saw Barba flinch and tears form in his eyes again, even as he looked away.

“Things might look bad now, but you will recover, and the important thing is that you have survived. We’ll give you as much support as you need, and I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here for you as long as you want me to be. No matter what happens.” Sonny glanced up at the iv bag which was delivering post-exposure anti-retroviral medications. He was determined to do whatever he could for Barba.


	4. Chapter 4

Rafael tried to relax, but his thoughts wouldn’t let up. He felt as if he was screaming inside. He wanted to escape back to his life, before this nightmare had started. He wanted it all to be over. But it wasn’t going to be over for a long time, maybe never. It would be months before he would know if the medication had worked and enabled him to escape HIV infection.

He remembered the terror he had felt when the contaminated blood had been injected, and how he had acutely felt the passage of time since then, knowing that the longer it took before he could get treatment, the higher the risk of contracting the virus. Then there had been the humiliation of pissing himself, and having Johnson taunting him about it. Finally, the pain of being cut open, knowing even if he survived, he would be forever scarred by this man. At one point he had wondered if it would be better to just die here. But his will to live was too strong. He didn’t want to give Johnson the satisfaction of giving up.

He had heard the gunshot from ESU and a roar of pain from Johnson, even as the arm holding the knife to his throat fell away. Then he dropped to the floor as Johnson was captured by ESU and hauled away. He just curled in on himself, as much as possible with his restraints. He didn’t want anyone to look at him, to see him like that. 

Then a voice had pierced his misery and pain, and he had recognized Carisi straight away. He knew he was finally safe, and had given in to tears of relief. He had sensed no hesitation on the younger man’s part, despite the blood and the urine he was covered in. He had been swept up and comforted, his tears dried, and his body held. The detective hadn’t left his side until after they reached the hospital, and then he had soon been back.

Rafael was so grateful that he didn’t have to go through this alone. He wasn’t sure he could have coped if not for the comforting presence of the detective. He was his advocate, and voice. At the hospital he had tried to speak, to tell the doctor about the injection of blood, but he hadn’t been able to get the words out. Again Carisi had saved him by getting that information somehow and passing it on. He now had been started on the drugs needed to try and stop the infection from taking hold. Only time would tell if it would work or not.

He opened his eyes and looked round. He was in a private room, but he wasn’t alone. His eyes dropped to the bed where he could see his hand being held by Carisi still. He followed the hand up the arm to see the detective slumped in the uncomfortable hospital chair, fast asleep. Despite everything he had been through, he felt safe, as long as the detective was there with him. He closed his eyes and drifted off again, only to be awakened by the door opening and a loud exclamation.

“Rafi, thank God you are safe. I was so worried when Lt Benson rang me and told me you were missing. Are you all right? What has the doctor said?” His mom swept in and was quickly at his side, taking his hand and pressing kisses to his cheeks.

“I’m okay mama,” he said to her in a gravely voice, and reached out for the glass of water by the bed and took a sip. By this time Rafael could see that Carisi had woken up and was straightening up in the chair. His mom was looking at him with an interrogatory look on her face. Rafael recognized it well.

Rafael watched Carisi get to his feet and drop the hand he had been holding. “Uum, Mrs Barba, I’m detective Sonny Carisi. I’ve been with Bar… your son… since he was found. He’s doing much better the doctors said. He is being kept in and re-hydrated while they monitor for signs of infection of his wounds, and also to check on his kidney function, as he is badly bruised.”

“Wounds? What wounds do you have Rafi?” his mom questioned, sounding more worried. Rafael was just glad Carisi hadn’t mentioned the risk of HIV to his mom. He didn’t answer, but just looked at Carisi.

The detective hesitated and glanced at Rafael before answering. “Uum, the man who abducted Bar… your son…  cut him with a knife. He has been stitched up, but there was some time between the injury and treatment, so infection is a risk. He is getting antibiotics to help reduce that risk though.” 

Rafael smiled slightly at hearing Carisi yet again struggle not to call him ‘Barba’ in front of his mom. He caught his eye. “Call me Rafael,” he said in a low voice. “It’s not as if we’re at work.” He saw a beaming grin start on Carisi’s face.

“Only if you call me Sonny,” he retorted.

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Don’t push your luck!” he commented, but lacking his usual bite. He could see this didn’t faze the detective at all. Instead he watched as he put on his jacket.

“Well, as you have company, Rafael, I’ll go now. I need a shower and change of clothing, and I’ll have to check in with Liv.” Rafael saw him hesitate, reading the panic he could feel which no doubt was showing on his face. “I’ll come back later if you want me to though?” Sonny asked.

Rafael nodded. “Yes please.”

Carisi smiled again then walked out. Rafael didn’t take his eyes off him until he was out of sight. Then his attention was drawn back to his mom.

“So who is that then?” she asked.

“Detective Carisi from SVU,” Rafael replied, knowing from her tone of voice that was not what she was getting at.

“Hmm. Is that all he is to you? He has stayed with you since your rescue, and is obviously quite attached to you, and the feeling seems to be mutual, judging by your reaction to him. You were holding hands when I got here. Are you sure he’s just someone you work with?”

“Mom,” Rafael said, rolling his eyes. “I was injured. It’s not surprising he was holding my hand. It’s what you do with someone who is in hospital. He’s a friend too. He’s doing a law degree at Fordham night school so I’ve been helping him with his studies, and he’s shadowed me a few times at work. That’s all there is to it.”

“Maybe,” she allowed. “But I think both of you want more than that, don’t you? I’ve seen how you look at men you are attracted to, and he certainly seems keen on you.”

“We work together and I keep work and my private life apart. Nothing is going to happen between us,” he replied, not being able to keep the bitterness from his voice. Even if he had wanted his relationship with Carisi to move to being more than friends, it couldn’t happen now, not with the risk of having contracted HIV hanging over him. He wasn’t about to deny his attraction though. He tried not to lie to his mom. She could usually tell when he did.

“Okay, I’ll drop it for now,” she said. “After all, you’re still recovering. Did the doctors say how long you will be kept in here?” she asked.

Rafael was glad of the change of subject. “It depends how I get on. Hopefully tomorrow I can go home if everything checks out okay.”

“Good. Will you be able to manage on your own? If not, you could come home with me.”

He shook his head. That was the last thing he needed – his mom fussing over him. “No, thanks mom, but I’ll be fine. It’ll just take time for the cuts and bruises to heal. I’ll just rest up at home until they are better.”

“I’m sure detective Carisi will come and check on you,” she said slyly. “Maybe while you’re recovering you will be able to get to know each other better outside of the work setting.”

Rafael tried to glare at his mom, but he knew although it was effective on those he worked with and perps in court, it didn’t work on her. He sighed. Once she got a bee in her bonnet about something, it was difficult to dissuade her. Especially difficult when he couldn’t deny he liked the idea.

***

Sonny got to the precinct to find a sense of relief in the air as papers were being packed away and maps of the area taken down. A good result, in that their escaped criminal was behind bars again and the hostage was safe. But he didn’t feel that way, having seen first-hand the havoc Johnson’s escape had caused. He knew it wasn’t all over for Barba, Rafael, he thought to himself with a small smile. He never thought he’d be given permission to use his first name. He knew his idol was in for a rough few months of recovery, and was determined to be there for him as much as he could, and as much as the older man would allow. He was under no illusions as to his character, and knew the clingy and teary man he had seen in the hospital would soon be a distant memory as Rafael got grumpy and irritable with everyone around him. He walked into his boss’ office and she immediately put down the paperwork she had been doing.

“Carisi, come in. I want to know how Barba is doing. I haven’t heard anything other than he is alive but hurt.”

He sighed. “He isn’t great. He was kicked – he has 2 broken ribs and the doctors are monitoring his kidney for damage from a kick there. As with his previous victims, Johnson also carved out a word on Barba’s chest.” He could see Liv pale as he said this, and could anticipate her next question. “It reads ‘pervert’. The plastic surgeon stitched it up and is hopeful that the letters won’t be permanently legible.” He saw her wince.

“But what was worse was that Johnson had got hold of a large syringe and filled it with his own blood and injected it into Barba. It seems he was deliberately trying to infect him with HIV. They have started him on antivirals, and it is within the 72 hour window for treatment with PEP, but there is no saying it will work. The amount of blood that was injected will be an issue, as although less than a transfusion it is a hell of a lot more than sharing needles would transfer. Barba needs to take meds for a month, but won’t know for 3 months if he has contracted it or not.

Liv slumped down in her seat and leaned back. Sonny could see tears in her eyes. “Oh my God, what a nightmare for Rafael. How is he doing?” He was a bit taken aback at her using Barba’s first name, as she usually didn’t do that at work, but he quickly answered.

“He was pretty upset at the scene and the hospital when he first got there, but when I left just now he was doing better. His mom had just arrived so I took the opportunity to leave. They are monitoring him overnight but hopefully as long as his wounds don’t become infected and his kidney function is okay, he will be released tomorrow.” He paused, knowing what he wanted to ask, but not sure if she would allow it.

“Lieu, he was pretty much clinging on to me at the hospital. I think he is struggling more with this than he is likely to let on. Even with his mom there, he said he wanted me to go back later. I really want to be there for him as much as he will let me. I can’t imagine what he’s been through or going to have to go through over the next few months and I know he doesn’t have much support, so I’d really like to give him as much help as possible.”

He could see Liv assessing him. He suspected she had deduced his feelings for Rafael, as he had been teased by the squad about them before. But if that helped him now, it would have been worth it. Seeing Rafael lying there, helpless and restrained, covered in blood and crying, had really hit him in the heartstrings.

“Okay. I know you’re right. He doesn’t have many friends as work has been his life, and his mom works long hours too. If he will accept help from you, then be there for him. But you know what he is like; it is likely he will very quickly start pushing you away and being a pain.”

He grinned. “Yeah, I figured he would be like that, but I can cope with his bad attitude. I thought I could distract him with law questions. I could do with the help as I have exams soon, and it may take his mind off things.”

“Good idea. In the meantime, I’ve got to get his statement. The DA will be charging Johnson with abduction and grievous bodily harm at the very least, although he already has a life sentence for the murders so these further charges won’t make much practical difference.”

Sonny saw her hesitate. “Do you want to come with me to take his statement? I’m not sure if he would be most comfortable with you or me taking it, so we can give him the choice.”

He grinned at her. “Sure, I’d like that,” he said.

***             

Rafael had been dozing off when he heard the door to his room open. He smiled as he saw Sonny enter, but then his smile faded when he saw Liv come in behind the detective. This meant it was likely to be a work visit, not a social call.

“Hi Rafael,” Liv said as she sat down next to the bed and patted his hand. “How are you doing?”

He shrugged. “I’ll be better once I’m out of here, but I’m improved compared to how I was. They have me on decent painkillers which help, and they aren’t poking and prodding me all the time anymore.”

“Good. I was really worried when I heard Johnson had escaped and you had gone missing, we all were. I wasn’t sure we would find you alive.”

He laughed humorlessly. “If he had wanted me dead, he would have just killed me. He told me he wanted me alive, and to suffer. That’s why he injected me with his own blood and cut me. He even told me that he had stopped taking his antivirals after the trial so his viral load was up before he took me. Sick bastard.”

Liv hesitated. “Did the doctors think they can stop you getting infected?” she asked.

Rafael couldn’t meet her eyes. “They don’t know. They have me on a PEP regime, which I have to take for 4 weeks, but they don’t know if it will work. I’ll just have to hope for the best and wait and see.” He could feel his composure slipping, like it did every time he thought about the possibility he would have months of waiting and may contract HIV.

He felt a hand cover his and squeeze, on the other side to where Liv was still sat. He looked up into Sonny’s eyes, which were bright with tears. “We will all hope and pray the meds work, and will be here for you, no matter what.”

“Thanks Sonny,” Rafael whispered.

Liv cleared her throat, breaking the spell between the two men. “Well, unfortunately this is not a social visit. We have to take your statement if you are feeling up to it Rafael.” He nodded at her. “I can take it myself or Carisi can if you prefer, or we can both stay?”

“You can both stay if you want. I don’t mind,” he said, knowing he would prefer the support of the younger detective while Liv took the statement. He didn’t want to have to go through it all, but knew it was necessary. Better to get it over with.

Liv nodded and got out a tape recorder. Sonny didn’t move, not even his hand which still covered Rafael’s on the side of the bed. If Liv was going to ignore it, he would happily accept the comfort.

He listened to Liv starting the tape by listing the date, time and location, and then who was present in the room. Then it was his turn. He started at the beginning, when he went for his fateful jog on Sunday morning.


	5. Chapter 5

A day later, Sonny was helping Rafael out of his car, having been released from hospital. He slowly shuffled into the apartment building, heading for the elevator, one arm wrapped around his ribs. Sonny had broken a rib in college and knew how painful it could be, so wasn’t surprised. He locked the car, having got out a bag from the trunk, then quickly followed, getting to the older man as the elevator arrived. They both got in and then Sonny quickly pressed the button for the 14th floor, saving Rafael the bother of doing it.

Once they arrived, Rafael handed Sonny his keys, which he quickly used to let them inside. He watched his charge walk slowly over to the couch before carefully easing himself into it, then closed the door and walked over to the kitchen area, putting the bag down. “Coffee?” he asked, spying the expensive coffee maker on the side.

“Definitely,” the ADA muttered. “I’m sure this damn headache is due to caffeine withdrawal.” 

“Yes, you do tend to mainline it, so the weak stuff the hospital was serving wouldn’t be a dint on your usual caffeine intake. I’ll make some food too, enough for a few meals. My lasagna always goes down well with my family.”

“Of course it does. It’s not as if they aren’t biased.”

Sonny laughed. Rafael’s mood had darkened as he was kept waiting at the hospital to be discharged, and his long list of instructions being given to Sonny hadn’t helped. ‘He’s not my minder, you know. I can take care of myself,’ he had grumpily told the nurse. He was just glad he was still being allowed to help the older man. He could cope with the snarkiness.

“I’ve fed my lasagna to the whole SVU squad as well, and they all loved it.”

“None of them can cook and live off takeout, so I’m not surprised they liked it. Anyway, when have you been feeding all the squad? You’ve never invited me.”

Sonny finished making the coffee and brought it over to Rafael, watching the man take a large swallow of the steaming brew. “If I thought you would have come, I would have invited you. Anyway, you live off takeout too, judging by what I know of you and the state of your cupboards and refrigerator. Just say ‘thank you Sonny’ and accept the help.”

He paused, waiting for another sarcastic response, but instead got a slight smile. “Thank you Sonny,” Rafael said in a quiet voice.

Sonny stared open-mouthed at the older man, not having expected a genuine response. Rafael looked slightly embarrassed.

“I know I’m a bad patient, and am irritable and sarcastic even when I’m at my best, but I do appreciate what you are doing for me, even if I don’t show it.”

Sonny smiled at him. “If I was put off by your bad moods, I wouldn’t be here or like you as much as I do. You’ll have to do much more than that to get rid of me. And I want to help, so I’m going to keep bugging you until you’re fully recovered. Plus I could do with some help with one of my case studies.” Sonny knew changing the mood would help Rafael get his composure back after revealing himself like he had done.

Sure enough, the ADA rolled his eyes. “Ahh, that’s why you’re here. You just want my help to get your grades up.” Sonny laughed as he got up and made his way to the kitchen to start making the lasagna.

***

A few hours later, Rafael heard a knock at the door. He had been dozing after seconds of Sonny’s lasagna, and watched with interest as Sonny answered the door and saw his mom sweep in.

“Rafael, so good to see you home. How are you doing?” she gushed as she sat next to him.

“I’m fine mom. Just resting as instructed,” he answered.

“Do you need anything? A drink or something to eat?”

Rafael glanced at the coffee mug on the table next to her. “Sonny is looking after me mom. I’m fed and watered.”

On cue, Sonny appeared. “Mrs Barba, do you want a drink, or something to eat? I’ve made lasagna and there is loads left if you want me to heat some up for you?”

“No thank you dear, I’ve already eaten. I’m happy you’re making sure my son eats properly though. He eats such junk most of the time.”

Sonny grinned. “I made the same comment a while ago.” Rafael turned and glared at him. The last thing he wanted was the two of them ganging up on him. “Anyway, he needs food as some of the meds cause sickness, which can be lessened if taken on a full stomach.”

Rafael saw a glass of water being passed to him, along with a medicine bottle. “One of these, and I’ll get you some painkillers too if you want some,” Sonny murmured to him.

He looked at the bottle label, seeing it say ‘Rattegravir’ on it, the one antiviral he needed to take twice a day, with the other dose in the morning. He took out a tablet and swallowed it with water, then sat up to put the bottle down. His mom reached for it to help him, and he saw her read the name on the bottle.

“What is this for, Rafael?” she asked. “I’m sure I’ve heard this name before. It’s not an antibiotic, is it?”

Rafael froze, as did Sonny. Both men shared gazes and then Rafael looked at his mom.

“It’s antiviral mom. I’ve got to take it, and 2 others, for a month. The man who abducted me, he was HIV positive, and he deliberately tried to infect me. This regime, PEP, will hopefully stop the infection in me, but I won’t know for a few months if it has worked.”

Rafael watched as his mom’s eyes filled with tears, before they spilt down her face. “Oh Rafael, no! You can’t have that dreadful disease. I’ve always worried that you might catch something like that since you told me you liked men not women, but I tried not to think about it. All those people who die from AIDS; nasty deaths as they waste away or get cancer or sores from infections. I can’t bear that happening to you.”

He reached for his mom to comfort her, ignoring the startled look from Sonny at his mom outing him. “I might not get it mom, that’s what the medicines are for. And even if I do contract the virus, it doesn’t mean I will be ill. Now there are so many treatments, it’s not a death sentence like it was 30 years ago.” Even though he was saying the words, he didn’t really feel that way himself. It would feel like the end of the world to him if he did get it, and he knew it.  

He held his mom in his arms as she cried on his shoulder. He tried to ignore the pull on his stitches and the pain in his ribs at twisting in an uncomfortable way, but saw Sonny reach for the bottle of painkillers and shake 2 out of it.

When his mom had composed herself a bit and drawn away to wipe her eyes, he saw Sonny reach towards him with the glass of water again and the painkillers. He swallowed them without hesitation. He knew they would make him tired, but honestly, he could do with a nap after the emotions of the last few minutes.

“Let me get you a drink, Mrs Barba. I think you need one after this shock,” he heard Sonny say. She nodded her head, and they sat in silence until she had a drink in her hand.

“I’ve been looking up quite a bit about HIV infection rates since this happened to Rafael,” Sonny said. “There is a good chance the medication he is taking will work and stop an infection taking hold, and as he said, even if it doesn’t work, the regimes are pretty good now. HIV is considered a long-term manageable disease, with normal life expectancy.”

She sighed. “Yes, but he spends all his time working. I want him to find someone to love him, and stop him being so lonely. That won’t happen if he gets this disease.”

Rafael sighed. “Mom, I know you wear rosy colored glasses when considering my love life, but really, I haven’t had time to think about it for years with this job, even without this virus as a deterrent.  Frankly, my personality is enough to put off any potential suitors before we get so far as discussing STDs.” He heard a snort from Sonny and turned to glare at him. It didn’t have any impact, as the irrepressible young detective just grinned at him.

“Oh no, Rafi, you’re a good man. I can’t see why anyone wouldn’t want to be with you. You’re a great catch.”

He kissed his mom on the forehead. “Yeah, well you’re biased mom. Ask Sonny. I’m bad tempered, irritable and always at work. Not traits that are appealing to most men.”

He watched his mom look to Sonny for confirmation. The detective looked like a deer in headlights as he scrambled for a response.

“Well Mrs Barba, I do have to say that Rafael can be pretty crabby at work, because he doesn’t suffer fools gladly, and he is a workaholic, as he is dedicated to his job. He also gets impatient with people who aren’t as knowledgeable or intelligent as he is. But some men find those qualities attractive, I’m sure of that.”

Rafael could see Sonny looking at him. He was putting a positive spin on Rafael’s worst qualities, and implying that he might be interested. That gave him a positive glow inside, but really, in his current position, he couldn’t even consider a relationship with anyone, no matter how attractive they might be. If the medication didn’t work, he couldn’t imagine having intimate contact with anyone, ever again.

He changed the subject and asked his mom about how the school she ran was getting on, and she gratefully accepted the change in subject. They both needed to get their composure back after the revelations of the last half hour. This lasted until she had to go, as she had a teacher-parent conference to plan for.

Rafael watched Sonny as he showed his mom out, as she had insisted he not get up. He wasn’t sure if the detective would bring up the previous subject or comment on the fact that Rafael had just been outed as gay to him. Knowing the detective, he suspected it would come up.

“Well that could have been better, but I don’t think her reaction was surprising. It’s probably the way my mom would have reacted,” Sonny said as he flopped back down on the couch and took a sip of the remains of his drink, pulling a face at how cold it was.

He sighed but didn’t comment. That didn’t put Sonny off.

“Come on, think about it, all those iceberg and tombstone adverts that were around when AIDS was first hitting the gay population. That would have been around the time you were a teenager. I’m not surprised your mom took that in and is worried.”

He snorted. “What do you know about it? I doubt you were even born then!”

Sonny laughed. “I’m not that much younger than you. True I wasn’t anywhere approaching puberty, but my sisters were, so my parents were well aware of it. My mom made that perfectly clear when I did become a teenager and told her I liked boys as well as girls.”

Rafael sat back and looked at Sonny seriously. “You didn’t have to do that,” he said in a low voice. “Just because my mom outed me, doesn’t mean you need to reciprocate.”

The detective just shrugged and looked down, but Rafael could see a twinge of color on his face. “I know, but it only seems fair. Seriously though, I have seen the adverts and know although there is a lot that can be done now, the stigma over HIV and AIDS is still there, especially among older people who haven’t kept up with developments.”

He nodded. “I know. My mom is likely to go home and do lots of research and hopefully that will help her understand how well HIV infection can now be managed unlike it was then.” He saw Sonny nod. He wished he felt better, and not as if it would be his death sentence. He knew he shouldn’t feel that way, but it was difficult not to.

***

Sonny was at his desk catching up on paperwork. It had been 10 days since Rafael had been found and he was having his stitches out of his chest. There had been no complications from the beating he took, other than bruises, and the chest wounds had healed without complications. How much of the letters would still be visible when the stitches came out would no doubt make a difference to Rafael’s mood though, which had been unpredictable to say the least. One minute he was morose and hardly said a word, and then he would get angry, and take out his bad mood on whoever happened to be visiting him. Luckily for Sonny, he was used to ignoring the insults and letting the complaints wash over him. He knew from Rafael’s comments and treatment of him at other times that he did appreciate the support.

But Sonny was finding it tiring. He had been visiting Rafael on a pretty much daily basis since the abduction, and that in addition to his duties at the precinct and his law studies meant he had very little time for himself. He was glad that Rafael would be going back to work today, which meant he could combine checking up on the older man with work. Hopefully giving the ADA something to think about other than himself would improve his temperament as well.

“Carisi, come on,” Fin called out across the bullpen. “We’ve got to interview that witness from the rape last night.” He sighed but got to his feet. Keeping up with work and taking things one day at a time was all he could do for now.

***

Rafael helped himself to another mug of coffee from his bureau. It was his fifth today, but who was counting? He wasn’t sleeping well, and still felt slightly sick from the medication he was taking. His nightmares of finding himself withering away with AIDS were reducing but he still found his mind whirring every night, keeping him awake and making him even more impatient than usual. Carmen was avoiding him whenever possible as he had taken out his mood on her more than once. He had apologized, and she was aware of the reason for his bad behavior, but he couldn’t blame her for keeping out of his way.

He had managed to keep his mind on the job long enough to concentrate through todays main task – a deposition for a rape case he was prosecuting – but now that it was over, his worries were back in full. He had received a call from the Medical Centre that was treating him, asking him to call in as soon as he could. The receptionist wouldn’t tell him what it was about, and he knew he wasn’t due for a repeat blood test yet, so was worried. He swigged down the coffee and decided he needed to just go and get it over with, when the door to his office opened. He glared round at the intruders – Sgt Olivia Benson and Sonny.

“What now? I was just about to leave for an… appointment,” he snapped at them.

He saw Liv glare at him. She was used to his bad moods now. “I need a warrant for Daniel Baker’s apartment. The witness has identified him in the line-up as the rapist of Justine Waring, who is missing her necklace. She is sure Baker took it. I want to check his apartment and see if he was stupid enough to keep it.”

Rafael sighed. “Leave the file on my desk and I’ll get to it this afternoon. I assume you’re keeping him in custody so he can’t get home to destroy any evidence?”

“Of course,” she replied.

“I’ll send the warrant over later then when I have it,” he said, busying himself by putting on his jacket. “Now if you’ll excuse me…” He started walking out of his office.

“Where are you going? Can we give you a lift somewhere?” he heard from behind him, in Sonny’s tentative voice. He was going to ignore it, but decided against it. He didn’t know what he was going to be told at the clinic, but was pretty sure it wouldn’t be good news. Maybe some support would be helpful.

He glanced round behind him and saw Olivia’s encouraging nod.

“I’ve got to go to the medical center. I’m not sure why, but I was told I needed to see the doctor ASAP.” He could hear the fear in his voice and hated showing this vulnerability in front of others.

“That’s no trouble. I’ve got another call to make, but Carisi can take you and bring you back here afterwards,” Liv said, handing the car keys to the detective. “I’ll see you back at the precinct later on,” she added to him. She walked past Rafael out of the office, squeezing his arm in support as she passed him.

Carisi gestured Rafael ahead of him and the two men walked in silence towards the elevator.

Twenty minutes later they were sitting side by side in the waiting room. It was HIV clinic day, and although most people looked pretty healthy, there were a few who obviously had progressed to AIDS, and after a quick look round, Rafael kept his eyes to himself. He didn’t want to be reminded what could happen. He was also acutely aware that by being here with Sonny, people seeing them would consider they were a couple. Although he didn’t object to that idea in principle, he didn’t feel entirely comfortable with it. Of course, they would also probably assume he was HIV positive, as he was at the clinic in the first place. He wanted to tell them that he wasn’t infected, and had done nothing wrong, always had safe sex, and that he was only there because a madman had attacked him. He hated the thought that if anyone contracted HIV it was because they were somehow at fault, and that he felt he needed to justify being there. He hated even more the panic he felt at the realization that someone could recognize him. He kept his head down, lost in his thoughts.

“Rafael Barba,” a nurse called out. He winced as he heard his name publicly announced in the crowded room, then got to his feet unsteadily. He felt sick again.

Sonny touched his arm and murmured softly “Do you want me to come with you?”

He nodded quickly. He felt week for needing the support, but still wanted to have it as it was being offered.

Both men walked towards the nurse who gestured them into an examination room.

The doctor who had first seen Rafael at the hospital was sat behind her desk, looking at notes on the computer screen in front of her. She looked up and smiled at the men who sat down on the other side of the desk.

“Hi, I’m Detective Sonny Carisi, a friend of Rafael’s,” Sonny said as he leaned over the desk to shake hands with the doctor.

“I’m Dr Carson. I saw Rafael at the hospital and will be overseeing his case as long as necessary,” she said with a smile.

Rafael just gave her one of his ‘get on with it’ impatient looks. She got down to business.

“I’m sure you are wondering why I called you here today. I’m afraid it isn’t good news. We have managed to get access to the medical records of Mr. Johnson although it did take a warrant to do so. As you are aware, he stopped taking his medications for a week or two while he was in prison before his escape.”

“Yes,” Rafael confirmed. “He told me he wanted to get his viral load up to be sure to infect me.” He could hear the bitterness in his voice.

“It worked. His viral load was elevated when he was captured, and because of him stopping treatment, the virus has become resistant to one of the drugs in the cocktail he was taking. His medication has been changed as a result.”

Rafael listened in silence, not quite getting where this was going.

“This drug is one of the ones in the PEP regime you are currently taking. We can’t be sure when the resistance occurred, but it is likely to be before he injected you. So we need to change your medication immediately.”

Rafael stayed motionless. He saw Sonny look at him as if to check if he was going to speak. He felt frozen in place.

“So what does this mean for the likelihood of the PEP regime working?” Sonny asked.

The doctor sighed. “It does make it less likely to work, but there was no way to predict this, and it is impossible for me to give you an accurate idea of odds. All we can do is change the antivirals and hope for the best. I’ve got the new medication here for you to take with you, and full instructions inside.” She passed over a paper prescription bag, and when Rafael didn’t move to pick it up, Sonny did.

“Is there anything else you wanted to ask me?” Dr Carson asked in a gentle voice to Rafael, and when she got no response, she glanced at Sonny.

“No, I don’t think so. When does he next need to come in?” Sonny queried.

“Four weeks,” the doctor said. “Or sooner if he exhibits any of the signs of seroconversion – fever, sore throat, rash, diarrhea. Any other questions, please feel free to ring up.” She opened a drawer in her desk and passed a business card to Sonny, who smiled his thanks and put it into his jacket pocket before standing up.

“Come on Rafael. Time to go,” he murmured and tapped Rafael on his arm. That woke him from the daze he had been in, and he automatically stood up and followed Sonny out of the room.

By the time they got back to Rafael’s office, he was recovering from the shock. He shrugged off his jacket and helped himself to a stiff drink which he downed in one, before he heard Sonny close the door to his office and sit down on the couch. He had a bag with food in it. He looked at it in surprise.

Sonny saw the look. “I called Carmen and asked her to pick up something for you. You need to take your new meds and it says on the bottle to have after food, so you need to eat.”

Rafael snorted. “I don’t think I could. Anyway, what does it matter? It probably isn’t going to work anyway.” He poured himself another drink before Sonny took him by the arm and pulled him to the sofa.

“It might not work, but you’ve got to try. If you don’t take it and then contract the virus, you would always wonder if it would have worked. You don’t want to do that to yourself. So eat the bagel, and then take the meds. You know I’m right.”

“Seldom,” he said, seeing the smile on Sonny’s face as he came out with the familiar comment. He didn’t argue more though, and did as he was told.

 

 

***  

Sonny was losing patience with Rafael’s attitude. Despite a week passing between his doctor’s appointment and now, he was still down, irritable, and refusing to do anything bar working and sulking at home. Sonny was determined to change that.

He had managed to acquire tickets to a new show that had recently opened, which he knew Rafael hadn’t seen but wanted to go to. He had checked with Carmen to make sure the older man was free that evening, and told her his plans. She was enthusiastic but cautioned him on expecting too much. She knew what her boss could be like, she said. Still, Sonny was cautiously optimistic when he got himself dressed up in his tux and presented himself at Rafael’s door.

The door opened and Rafael glared out at him. Not a promising start. But Sonny wasn’t to be deterred.

“Come on Rafael. Get changed. We’re going out,” he said cheerfully.

“No we’re not,” Rafael grumbled as he slumped down on his couch and turned on the television to a news channel.

“Yes we are. You need to do something other than staying in every night, and I’ve got us tickets.” He waved the tickets in front of Rafael’s nose so he could see what they were.

Sonny saw a slight thaw as his eyes widened as he read the name of the show, but then the mask fell again. “Take someone who wants to go. I don’t.”

Sonny tried again. “Yes you do. You mentioned a month ago that you wanted to see this show, but couldn’t get tickets. So get up and get changed.”

Rafael didn’t move, so Sonny took his arm and dragged him up to standing, and pushed him gently towards his bedroom.

Rafael stiffened and turned on Sonny. “Who the hell do you think you are, telling me what to do in my own home? Get out and leave me alone.”

Sonny snapped at this. “I’m your friend, and I’m doing this for your own good. If you wallow here, you’re letting Johnson win. This is what he wants! You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’re not HIV positive, and even if you were, that doesn’t mean you give up on life. You make the best of it, no matter what cards you’re dealt.”

Rafael snorted. “Easy for you to say. You’re not the one having to go through this. You can just walk away any time. So why don’t you do that, and make us both happy.”

“Sometimes I really wish I could just walk away from you. You’re such a pig-headed asshole when you’re like this.”

“Well go on then. Walk away!” Rafael sneered at Sonny, who felt his hand tighten into a fist. He would so love to punch the man. Instead he did the other thing he really wanted to do. He kissed him.

Sonny pulled the shocked man into his arms and held them together with one hand on the small of his back while he plunged the other into his hair, caressing his scalp as his lips plundered the older man’s. There was no resistance. Instead Rafael quickly responded to the kiss and almost melted into his arms. Sonny slanted this head to one side to make the angle better then kissed him again, this time letting all his feelings show as their tongues danced together and their hips ground against each other as they both hardened.

It didn’t last. Rafael started to resist and then pushed Sonny away.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He exclaimed breathlessly.

Sonny had felt his anger dissipate with the passionate kiss, and responded with a chuckle. “If you don’t know, then it really has been too long.” He stepped forward to take Rafael back into his arms, but the older man put up an arm to stop him.

“Don’t. We can’t do this.”

Sonny sighed. “Of course we can. You can’t say you don’t want to, not after you responded to me like that. So give me one good reason why we can’t. But don’t you dare mention HIV as a reason. You know perfectly well that it can’t be passed on through saliva even if you were positive, which you’re not.”

“Work. We work together,” was the first reason Rafael came out with.

“That’s what disclosure is for. As long as we disclose and I’m not your main witness there is no problem.”

“I’m too old for you.”

Sonny grinned. “Says you. I’ve always liked older men. Plus 10 years is nothing nowadays.”   

“We’re too different. We don’t have enough in common.”

“You mean apart from our jobs and the law. We have mutual friends, and over the last few weeks have spent a lot of time together without any problems. Hell, half the TV shows on your TiVo are ones I watch too. We complement each other. I like to cook, you like to eat. I’m Sonny and you’re grouchy.” Sonny saw Rafael roll his eyes at the pun. He could tell he was winning this argument.

“Anyway, dating is the traditional way that people discover what they have in common, and if they want to build a life together. They go out, for example to a show,” Sonny waved the tickets again at Rafael, “and spend time together doing fun things. That’s what I want us to do.”

Rafael leaned against the back of the couch and sighed. “Sonny I know you don’t want to hear it, but the current situation can’t be ignored. I may not be HIV positive now, but I could be diagnosed up to 3 months after exposure. I can’t even consider getting involved with you when I know that is a possibility.”

Sonny came to stand next to Rafael. “Yes you can. I am not going into this with blinkers on. I know it could happen. But the difference is that I love you and want to be with you, no matter what.”

Sonny saw a gleam in Rafael’s eyes when he said he loved him, but it was dampened down again. “No Sonny. I won’t do that to you. You can do better than me, especially if I turn out to be infected. I know you say now that it wouldn’t make a difference, but I don’t believe that. I won’t do this. I’m sorry.”

Sonny felt his heart break inside. He had given it his best shot, and had still been rejected. But it wasn’t in his nature to give up. “Okay, I understand that while there is all this uncertainty, it’s difficult for you to consider anything else. But this conversation is not over. I reserve the right to restart it again when you know for sure what your HIV status is.” He saw a small smile on Rafael’s face.

 “Agreed, if it’s the only way to shut you up on the subject.”

Sonny grinned. “There are much more pleasurable ways to shut me up, although you’ve said no to those. But in the meantime, I’ve still got these tickets, and think after I’ve gone to all the trouble of getting them, we should use them.”

Rafael smiled. “Okay, I’ll come with you.”

Sonny watched Rafael as he walked towards his bedroom, admiring the fit of the pants over his backside. He considered this battle a draw. He might not have got Rafael to agree to a relationship, but he was taking him out on a date. He had no intention of losing the war.


	6. Chapter 6

Three weeks later Rafael was struggling to concentrate on the latest case to land on his desk. Flu had run through the DA’s office, and a quarter of the ADA’s had contracted it at some point. He had thought he was safe as it was on the wane, but then it struck. He had already used his sick days following the abduction though, so was determined to struggle on through it. He swallowed a Tylenol with his coffee then shook out another throat sweet from the packet and sucked it. He felt hot and at the same time shivered. He hated feeling like this. He was planning to stay holed up in his office all day, and had resisted the call from SVU to watch an interview. He had told Liv in a croaky voice to record it and send him the tape later.

He heard voices in his outer office and looked through to see Sonny talking to Carmen. ‘What now?’ he thought, his pleasure at seeing the detective not enough to overcome the weariness at the thought of having another problem to deal with. He heard a knock on the door then Sonny walked in.

“What do you need,” he said wearily.

“I need you to tell me how you’re feeling. What are your symptoms?” Sonny asked.

Rafael leaned back in his chair. “It’s the flu. The same as everyone else around here.” He saw the glare from the detective so elaborated. “I’ve a sore throat and I’m pretty sure I’ve got a temperature too as I keep going hot and cold. I’m tired too, and I ache all over.”

“Any other symptoms?” Sonny asked. “Do you have a rash, or diarrhea?”

Rafael paled. He knew what Sonny was getting at. “No. It’s just the flu. That’s all.” Now that idea had been put in his head though, he knew it would worry him.

Sonny got out his cell and put it to his ear after picking a number to ring. “I know you’re probably right, but I think it’s best to make sure. You should go to the medical center and get tested.” He started talking on the phone, and Rafael heard him confirm the symptoms, and that he would bring Rafael in straight away for testing.

“Come on,” Sonny said. “We should go now.”

Rafael allowed himself to be wrapped up in his jacket and coat, and then led downstairs to the car.

An hour and a half later, he was slumped down in his chair in the corner of the waiting room, with Sonny pacing nearby. He had a plaster over the crook of his elbow where the nurse had taken blood, and they were now just waiting for the results.

Eventually he was called into the doctor’s office. Sonny didn’t even ask this time, but came with him into the office.

Rafael tried to make light of it. “This is the only time I really hope I’m going to be told I have flu,” he said to Dr Carson. He was hoping she would laugh, but she didn’t.

“I’m really sorry Rafael, but you don’t have flu. The symptoms are of seroconversion. The viral load test we just did confirmed a high result.”

Rafael felt light-headed and bent forward at the waist, leaning his head between his knees. He thought he was going to be sick. Despite knowing the risks, and imagining this for weeks, he never really thought it would happen. He felt Sonny’s hand on his back, stroking gently.

Dr Carson said she was going to pick up medication for him, and then left the room. This he could tell she did to give him privacy to get over the initial shock. He concentrated on breathing in and out slowly, until he felt able to sit up again. He couldn’t speak, but just looked at Sonny, seeing the tears in his eyes and the devastation in them. He was sure they matched his own.

Rafael felt himself losing control of his emotions as Sonny took him in his arms, and he leaned his head on the detective’s shoulder as he cried. He could hear the steady heartbeat near his head as tears streamed down his face and soaked the jacket beneath him. He didn’t know how long he stayed like that; it seemed like forever, but eventually he gained control of himself again and pushed off from the now damp detective.

Sonny pressed a handkerchief into his hand which he used to wipe his eyes. He couldn’t look up and face him after losing it like that.

He heard the door open and then Dr Carson speaking to Sonny. “I’ve put together a bag with information as well as the medication. I know in these situations patients usually can’t take in everything, so having it written down is best. The good news is that diagnosing infection at seroconversion gives an excellent prognosis. We already know which drugs this strain is susceptible to, so it shouldn’t take long to get the viral load down and the infection under control, and I predict we can lower it to undetectable levels within months. Then if he keeps taking the medication daily, there is no reason for him to have any complications. HIV under control now has a normal life expectancy.”

Sonny nodded to her. “Yeah, I’ve done a bit of reading up since this happened to Rafael. I’ll explain that to him.”

She hesitated. “Are you and Rafael a couple?”

Rafael glanced at Sonny out of the corner of his eye and saw the rueful smile on his face. “I’d like us to be, but he has resisted me so far. He said until he knew his HIV status for sure he wouldn’t take the risk.”

She tapped the bag. “There is information in here about the risks to partners of HIV positive men. There is no reason for any man with HIV to avoid intimate relationships. PrEP is available to their partners, which I would recommend along with safe sex practices for now until we have the infection under control. Later, it wouldn’t necessarily be needed with undetectable viral load and safe sex practices. If you want to discuss it with me at any point or obtain PrEP, then please get in touch. Same with any questions Rafael may have. Otherwise he should make an appointment in four weeks for a test, or sooner if he has any side-effects with the medication.”

Rafael finally looked up and saw the doctor looking at him. She had a sympathetic look on her face. “I know this has been a shock Rafael, and the outcome we hoped wouldn’t happen, but it’s not the end of the world, and you can contact me any time if you have questions. I recommend counselling, as usually the main effect this diagnosis has on people is psychological. Depression is ten times more common than in the general population, and the stigma is what most people worry about most, and how to deal with telling people, or people finding out. I’ve put a card for the therapist I recommend in there for you.”

Rafael nodded at her. “Thank you.” He felt exhausted, with the symptoms and also the emotional outburst. He just wanted to get out of there. Luckily Sonny by now could read his mood, and quickly ushered him out and back to the car.

***     

Sonny drove Rafael home and rang Carmen and told her that her boss wouldn’t be in for the rest of the day at least, and possibly not tomorrow either. He thought it would take that long for the news to sink in, and as it was Thursday, it would give Rafael 4 days to process it. He tucked Rafael into bed, something he knew he wouldn’t normally be permitted to do if the man was in his right mind, and left him to sleep. He looked exhausted and when Sonny popped his head in the room 10 minutes later, he was pleased to see he was asleep.

Sonny had decided to make some chicken soup, always a good choice for anyone with flu or flu-like symptoms, and it would give him something to do. He rang Liv and told her he needed to take some time to help Rafael, but without revealing what had happened. It wasn’t his place to tell anyone the diagnosis. Next he went to the local shop and bought a cooked chicken and other ingredients he needed before heading back to Rafael’s apartment.  

As he stripped meat off the bone and prepared the vegetables he had bought, he considered what this would mean for Rafael and for himself. As the doctor had said, it was likely that the main problems Rafael would have with this would be mental, not physical. He expected Rafael to pull away from him, be angry and upset. He knew he could cope with whatever was thrown at him though.

He also thought seriously about what it would mean for his hopes of a relationship between them. Did he really want to get involved with Rafael, now he knew he was HIV positive? He wasn’t particularly worried for himself, as he knew he could take steps to protect himself from becoming infected, but the stigma that would follow Rafael would also affect him. If anyone found out Rafael had HIV they would view Sonny differently. His medical record would reveal he was taking PrEP to anyone who saw it. He couldn’t imagine his parents’ reaction if they found out he was involved with an HIV positive man. He considered all these, and then the man he loved. Despite everything, he knew that he wanted a relationship with Rafael. He wasn’t going to let HIV stop him.

While the soup was bubbling, he got himself a drink and settled down to read the leaflets in the bag that they had been given by Dr Carson. They covered everything from the medication he had been prescribed, to how to deal with the stigma of HIV infection; legal implications if it should become known in terms of work and medical insurance; safe sex practices and how to avoid infecting partners. It reinforced much of what he already knew, as well as telling him what signs of depression to look out for in Rafael.

When he next popped his head into the bedroom, he saw Rafael was awake. He sat down on the edge of the bed.

“How are you feeling now? A bit better after a nap?”

Rafael shrugged.

“I’ve made some soup. It’ll do you good to eat, and easily slip down as your throat is sore. Do you want to get up for it, or should I bring some in here for you?”

“I’ll come out.”

“Good.” Sonny hadn’t been sure Rafael would consider eating anything at all so was pleased he was being agreeable. He was sure it wouldn’t last.

Rafael sat on the couch and Sonny brought over a bowl of soup to him, along with a couple of pieces of bread. He got the same for himself. They sat in silence as they ate, but Sonny could see Rafael looking at the information leaflets still spread across the table.

When they finished their meal, Sonny got them both a coffee before passing Rafael the Tylenol tablet bottle and also the medication Dr Carson had given him.

“I hoped I had finished with these antivirals for good,” the older man muttered as he checked the labels then shook out the medication. He had finished the PEP course only a few weeks before.

Sonny saw this as an opening to discuss the diagnosis. “I know, but it’s once a day dosing, which could be worse. Dr Carson was pretty confident that it would get your viral load to undetectable levels pretty quickly too.”

“Yeah, but it won’t cure it completely. I’ll always be HIV positive.” Rafael sounded bitter and defeated.

“I know. But once your levels are undetectable you aren’t infectious, and are unlikely to have any complications. You can carry on life as normal.”

Rafael glared disgustedly at him. “God, you’ve always got to put a positive spin on everything don’t you? Don’t you realize what this means for me? My life as I know it is over!”

“Don’t be over-dramatic. Of course it’s not over! There’s very little you can’t do now that you could before. Being a blood donor is about the only thing. As long as you take the medication you should be fine. You can live your life and have relationships. An HIV positive man can even get a woman pregnant without risk to her or the child.”

“Yeah, like that was going to happen. My mom would have loved grandchildren. That was what she was most upset about when I came out to her.” Sonny saw the look of realization spread across his face. “Oh my God. My mom. What am I going to tell her?” He watched the older man put his head in his hands.    

Sonny moved closer and put his arm around Rafael’s shoulder. He half expected to he pushed off, but wasn’t.

“You don’t have to tell her anything at the moment,” he started, but Rafael immediately sat up and glared at him.

“You don’t think she will ask? She knows I was at risk. She’s going to worry and keep asking me. I can’t lie to her.”

“I’m not suggesting you do. But you can wait until you’ve processed it yourself.” Sonny said gently. “You said she was likely to look up about HIV when she knew you were at risk, so she might not take it badly. If you give her some of this information she will understand the implications better, and be there to support you. You are not going through this alone. I’m here for you, and your mom will be. If you decide to tell anyone else, such as a friend like Liv, she would be too.”

“I can’t tell anyone. I need to get my head around it myself first,” Rafael muttered.

“I know. That’s fine. Just take your time, there’s no rush.” He tightened his arm around the shorter man’s shoulders, and was gratified to feel him lean into the comfort. He would be here for him, as he promised he would be.

***

Rafael had taken days to get over the shock of the diagnosis, and by the end of the weekend he decided he needed to get away. He couldn’t think of anything but what had happened and knew he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on work. He was snapping constantly at Sonny, and knew this wasn’t fair. So he spoke to the DA, and she had no problem giving him a week’s vacation, starting immediately.

He booked himself a last minute break on a Caribbean island; he didn’t even bother to note which one, other than checking that it was a secluded resort with a private beach. It was just what he wanted - to be alone. He caught his flight, getting evil looks from the nearby passengers. He could hardly explain he didn’t have flu and wasn’t contagious to them, although he did try to suggest it was allergies. He put on his headphones and closed his eyes, ignoring everyone for the flight.

When he got to the resort he unpacked before heading down to the beach. He had his kindle with him, with many books downloaded on it about HIV and AIDS, ranging from personal stories of people infected, to diet books. He also had more uplifting books, but had decided that if he was going to be thinking about it all the time anyway, then he at least could educate himself about the disease while there. Despite knowing he was gay from being a teenager, he had never really had many relationships and had much exposure to the gay community. His work had been a priority and he had always known that his career could be stalled if it was known he was gay. So he had not kept up with developments in HIV treatments or known anyone who was HIV positive. When he had known he was at risk of infection he hadn’t wanted to read up about it, preferring to just hope for the best. Now he couldn’t bury his head in the sand any more, so it was time to learn all he could.

He sat under a beach umbrella and drank rum punch as he watched the other vacationers frolicking in the sea. If only he could be so carefree again. He couldn’t even go for a swim, not being willing to take off his T-shirt, and knowing it would look strange to keep it on. He did see another man and his son with tops on in the water though, so decided to consider it another day.

He found during his week away that he missed Sonny. Although his reading was showing him that there was life after HIV diagnosis, he was sure that he couldn’t put the younger man at risk. Even if he still wanted to get involved with Rafael, it wasn’t fair. He was a young man, healthy and attractive. Getting saddled with an older, infected man wasn’t right for him. He didn’t believe that he was good enough for Sonny before this happened, and now there was no way he felt he could have a relationship with him.

The other thing that concerned him was that when he got back, it would be to the trial of Johnson for his abduction. He was worried about how he would handle seeing him again, and hated the idea that his private life would be made public. He contemplated not testifying. The ADA handling the case had said it was up to him, and he wouldn’t force Rafael. There was enough evidence without his verbal account. He decided to think some more about it and decide how he felt when the trial started.    

He didn’t feel well for the first few days of his trip, still suffering from the seroconversion symptoms. But he recovered from that, only to feel sickness from the medication. This wore off by the end of his week away, and by the time he left for the journey home, he was feeling almost normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, before anyone starts yelling at me for what I’ve done in this chapter, I thought I’d put forward my thoughts, as I suspect most people reading this would have assumed that this wouldn’t have happened.   
> I have said all along that this is a ‘happy ending’ fic, and that hasn’t changed because Rafael has been diagnosed HIV positive. People live with all different types of chronic illness / disabilities etc. and are able to find joy in their lives. Studies even show that happiness levels in people who have suffered a major health problem go back to similar levels to what they were before, once they have come to terms with it. I wanted this fic to be positive in terms of showing both characters dealing with all the repercussions of what has happened to Rafael, and coming out the other side together and happy. I hope I succeed in that aim and you’ll read and enjoy the remaining chapters.


	7. Chapter 7

Johnson stood next to his lawyer, smirking as the prosecutor read out the charges against him of escaping prison, abduction and grievous bodily harm. Sonny watched him from the back of the court, wanting nothing more than to punch the smirk off his face. He knew he had no chance to be found innocent of the charges, but had told the prosecutor that another trial would be entertaining for him as he would be in prison for the rest of his life anyway. His viral load had been too high by the time they had started effective treatment on him, and he now had progressed to AIDS. So no deal his lawyer could get for him would really make much of a difference. He also wanted to put Rafael through a trial, and make him admit what had been done to him. He wanted it public record, just to humiliate the ADA further.

Sonny had discussed it with Rafael, who had still been unsure about testifying, but then his name had been put on the defense witness list, so he knew he would have no choice but to testify about what Johnson had done to him. One thing they did agree on though was that it wouldn’t be revealed during the trial that Rafael had contracted HIV. The prosecutor agreed not to ask the question, and it wasn’t in the defense’s best interest to ask either.

As Johnson was escorted out of the court, Sonny looked round and spotted that Rafael was stood at the back of the court, by the door. He had obviously just slipped in to view the proceedings, not wanting to be seen. Sonny stood up and went up to him, and they silently left the court, walking back to Rafael’s office.

“I didn’t think you were coming,” Sonny commented.

“I wasn’t going to, but then I decided I didn’t want the first time I saw him to be when I face him on the stand,” Rafael admitted.

Sonny looked at Rafael closely. He hadn’t seen him in the last week, as the ADA had requested time off and had gone away. Sonny knew it had been a way for him to have privacy to process his diagnosis, and also get himself in the right frame of mind for the trial.

“So how are you?” he asked.

Rafael smiled. “Okay. I think I’ve got my head around things. I feel better than I did a week ago, and the headache and sickness from the medication is wearing off now, as Dr Carson said it would probably do. I think my tan will help confirm to Johnson that he hasn’t ruined my life, despite his best efforts.”

Sonny smiled. “Yeah, you definitely look healthy, especially compared to him.” Johnson had been noticeably paler and thinner than a few months ago.

 “I just want to get this over and done with, and then I can forget about Johnson,” Rafael commented.

“Another week and it will all be over,” Sonny commented. Then, as he couldn’t resist, “I’ve missed you.”

Rafael smirked. “You mean you’ve missed my legal expertise as you had to hand in your last assignment without my assistance on it.”

Sonny grinned. “I’ll have you know I got an ‘A’ on that all on my own. I don’t need your help to get good grades.”

“Good to know. I assume you will stop bothering me with hypothetical legal questions in future then.”

“No need. I’ve finished all my coursework now, plus most of the exams. Just one final exam to go and then my degree is finished.” Sonny was relieved. It had been difficult over the last few months but he had succeeded in getting through all the work he needed to do.

Rafael’s smirk faded. “I’m sorry Sonny. I didn’t realize where you were or that your finals were this last week.”

Sonny shrugged. “No worries. You’ve had a lot on your mind. I’m sure I’ll be bugging you for assistance when I start revising for the bar exam. In the meantime, I’d better get back to work. Liv is expecting me. Are you free tonight to catch up?”

The ADA shook his head. “No. I’m seeing my mom tonight. I can’t put off telling her any longer.”

Sonny felt his heart contract as he considered how difficult this would be for Rafael.

“Are you okay about doing that?”

He shrugged. “I’ve come to terms with it enough myself to speak to her. She needs to know, and I am prepared for her reaction. I don’t want to hurt her, but not telling her would do that if she found out later I’d lied to her.”

“Yes, you’re right, but if you want to talk after you’ve seen her, let me know.” Sonny knew Rafael had to do this himself, but couldn’t stop himself offering support. He was struggling enough not to touch the older man. He wanted to hug him at the very least. Although they hadn’t discussed their relationship since Rafael had received the diagnosis, Sonny hadn’t forgotten about it, and was just biding his time before bringing up the subject again.

He made his way back to the precinct, happy that Rafael appeared to be doing so well. Once this court case was over, maybe they could concentrate on themselves.

***

Rafael finished the delicious Cuban meal his mom had prepared. He had kept the subjects neutral while they were eating, asking her about school and telling her about his vacation. He knew the question of his health was on his mom’s mind though, and that he had to stop avoiding the subject.

“Mom, a week before I went away I started to feel ill. Flu-like symptoms which I took to be the flu that so many in the DA’s office had. But it wasn’t. It was seroconversion. I had a test and the doctor confirmed I have been infected. I’m HIV positive.” Rafael watched his mom put down the plates she had been holding with a thump, and took her hand and led her to the nearest chair. She sat and looked at him in disbelief.

“Are they sure? It can’t be a mistake? But you were taking those medications to stop this happening.” She wiped her eyes as a few tears escaped, and Rafael put his arm around her.

“No, it’s not a mistake. The medications didn’t work. But they have me on different ones now that they know will work against this strain of the virus. They are confident I will be fine as long as I take the medication. I’m not sick mom. I don’t have AIDS, and they are not expecting any problems at all.”

“Ahh, Rafi, but how are you? This must be a shock to you. How are you coping with it?” Rafael saw his mom turn away from her own feelings to his, and managed to smile at her.

“I’m not too bad. It was a shock, but now I’ve had time to get used to the idea. That’s why I went away, so I would have time to process it. I’ve done some research and looked into it, and it’s made me feel a bit better. I’ve brought you some information too.”

He saw his mom nod. “I read a bit about it after you told me you were at risk and it isn’t as bad as I originally thought, but I still worry about you Rafi. Lots of people don’t understand it. What if they find out?”

Rafael looked down. “I’m not planning on telling many people, mom. Sonny knows as he took me to the doctor’s to be tested, and the ADA prosecuting the case against Johnson suspects, but that is all. I may tell a few close friends, but It’s not something that I will be sharing with many people.”

“How did Sonny take it?” his mom asked, with a gleam in her eye. Rafael recognized it. “He is a nice young man, who obviously has a soft spot for you.”

He rolled his eyes. “Mom, stop it. Sonny’s too young for me, and we work together. Anyway, with this diagnosis, I’m not about to have a relationship with anyone.”

He saw a smirk on her face. “I notice you didn’t say he was straight, or not interested in you.”

“Stop trying to match-make, mom!” Rafael glared at her, knowing it would have no effect.

“I just want you to be happy Rafi, especially now, and I think that nice young man could be good for you.”

“Yes well, don’t hold your breath. He hasn’t even suggested anything since I was diagnosed.”

“But he did before?” his mom persisted.

“Yes he did,” he admitted. “But I wasn’t about to get involved with him with the threat of HIV hanging over me. Now I know I’m infected, it’s even more reason not to pursue it.” He didn’t know why he was discussing this with his mom, except he didn’t have anyone else to talk to about it, and it was a way of changing the subject.

“Don’t give up Rafi,” his mom said, with a smile and a stroke of his face. “I think he could make you happy.”

He pulled her into his arms for a hug. He felt relief flow through him. His mom had taken this better than he expected, and it felt good to share the load with her.

***

A few nights later, he invited Liv out for a drink after work. They hadn’t done this for some time, but he wanted to catch up with her. So they went to their usual bar and had some food and a drink. He asked about Noah and heard all her news and saw the most recent photos she had of the toddler. He told her about his holiday too.

“So how are you really Rafael?” she asked. “I didn’t expect you to take off unexpectedly like that on vacation. It looks like it did you good after your bout of the flu though.”

He took a swig of his whiskey and indicated to the waiter he wanted a refill. He waited until he got it before replying. “I needed to get away. It wasn’t the flu I had.” He looked around at her and watched comprehension dawn in her eyes.

“After I got the diagnosis from the doctor I needed time to process it. So I asked the DA for a week and went away. It helped.”

She put one hand over his and squeezed. “I’m so sorry Rafael.”

He shrugged. “It’s not that bad. The side effects of the medication have worn off, and as long as I keep taking them I should be fine. Dr Carson says I probably won’t even be infectious in a few months.”

He watched Liv take a sip of her wine. “That’s good to hear. Who knows?”

“Apart from my doctor, I’ve told my mom and you. Sonny was with me when I got the diagnosis.”

She smiled. “You two are getting pretty close aren’t you? Anything you need to disclose to me?”

He glared at her. “It’s not like that. We’re friends.”

She snorted. “He’s had a crush on you for years. You’re deluding yourself if you think all that’s between you is friendship. You’ve been effectively pulling his pigtails since he started with your verbal jabs at him. So don’t try telling me you’re not interested. He can take everything you dish out and it just makes him more keen on you. You like that and him.”

He sighed. “Even if I was interested, how could I possibly get involved with him after this diagnosis? It wouldn’t be fair to him.”

She considered this. “I think that’s his decision to make, not yours. Don’t push him away.” She looked at him seriously. “He’s a good guy, and so are you. Don’t let what happened ruin what you could have.”

“What the hell is it with the women in my life that they all want to pair me up with Sonny?” he said in exasperation.

She laughed. “We know what’s best for you. You should listen to us,” she said. He rolled his eyes.

*** 

Rafael was pacing outside the court, unable to sit still. He hated being on this side of things – not knowing what was going on and banned from being inside the court until he had given evidence. Johnson was trying to claim he was not guilty by reason of insanity, a defense which wouldn’t work, but the only thing he could do. With him being caught with Rafael and the DNA evidence plus his eye-witness account, he really couldn’t claim he hadn’t attacked the ADA, so this was the only option.

He also knew that Johnson had decided to defend himself, a decision frowned upon by the judge and his attorney, but his choice. Rafael knew the reason; it was the same reason William Lewis had chosen to defend himself. It meant that he would be able to torment his victim. He had seen how this had affected Liv when she had been on the stand, and knew he would find it hard too. What was worse was that he knew everything that he said would be public knowledge, and he definitely didn’t want it to come out that he had been diagnosed HIV positive. The ADA prosecuting had assured him that he didn’t need to answer that question if Johnson asked it, and that he would object, but Rafael was still nervous. He wasn’t sure what would be worse – seeing the glee on Johnson’s face when he realized his plan had succeeded, or living with the consequences of it becoming public knowledge.

The door to the court opened, and his name was called. He took a deep breath and then walked into the court room and up into the witness stand. He was sworn in, and then ADA Barrister took him through some basic questions about how he had come to know Johnson through the trial he had prosecuted against him, and then more specific questions about what had happened to him on the weekend Johnson had escaped custody. Rafael carefully avoided even looking in Johnson’s direction, and kept his statements factual. Although he knew it would in many ways look better if he was emotional, he had no intention of breaking down on the stand, and giving Johnson that satisfaction.

The ADA showed him the photos taken at the warehouse of his bleeding and battered body, and asked him to confirm the injuries that had been done to him. As carefully scripted by the two prosecutors in advance, the bloody syringe was shown to the jury.

“Mr Barba, could you please explain what this syringe was used for?” said ADA Barrister.

“Mr Johnson used it to draw up his own blood and then inject it into me.” Rafael replied.

“What did he tell you about the purpose of doing this?” Barrister continued.

Rafael turned to the jury. “He is HIV positive and was hoping that by injecting me with his blood, that he would infect me too. He even told me he had stopped taking his antiviral medication with the specific intention of raising his viral load to increase the chances of the infection being passed on.”

“What has been the result of this action by Mr. Johnson?”

“I was put on a 28 day course of PEP – Post Exposure Prophylaxis antiviral medication, and am being monitored, as it takes 3 months of negative results before it can be sure that the infection risk is over.” Rafael was very careful with his wording to be sure not to perjure himself on the stand.

“That must be very difficult for you, living with not only what was done to you, but the risk of HIV.” Barrister commented. As expected, the lawyer for Johnson who was acting as second chair objected, and the judge instructed the comment stricken from the record.

ADA Barrister said he had no more questions, and before Johnson could get up to begin his cross-examination, the judge called for a recess for lunch. Rafael got down from the stand with shaky legs, partly pleased for the respite, but also just wanting to get it over with.

Lunch was fairly quiet, with Rafael keeping his own thoughts for the most part. Sonny and Liv were there too, for moral support, but they could see he really wasn’t in the mood to talk, so they chatted amongst themselves about other cases, keeping off the one thing that was on all their minds.

After the recess, Rafael was back on the stand, and he watched as Johnson stood up and approached him, with a smirk on his face.

“So, Mr Barba, you look as if you have recovered pretty well from the damage you say I inflicted on you. Did I do any permanent damage?”

Rafael glared at him before answering, again very carefully. “I have scars from where you cut me which are still visible.”

Johnson grinned. “Scars, yes, on your chest. Tell me, what does the pattern of the scars read?”

The prosecutor immediately jumped to his feet. “Objection. I don’t see the relevance of this question other than to upset the witness.”

The judge nodded. “Sustained. I know you are defending yourself Mr. Johnson so I am giving you some leeway, but watch yourself. Ask questions only that will support your defense.”

The man nodded as if in deference to the judge’s decision, before ignoring it. “Tell me Mr. Barba; it is now nearly 2 months since the weekend we spent together. I believe you would have had at least one HIV test if not two by this point. Were they positive or negative?”

Rafael glared at him with hatred in his eyes and didn’t even consider answering.

“Objection!  This is also irrelevant and HIV test results are confidential. Mr. Barba should not be required to answer any questions about his ongoing health. This case is concerning the events of the weekend of 5th August only, and nothing which has happened to Mr. Barba since has any place being discussed.”

“Agreed,” the judge said, “Objection sustained. Mr. Johnson, this is your final warning. I won’t put up with you harassing this witness any longer. Move on.”

Johnson sighed, and then murmured in a low voice to Rafael “Shame. Oh well, it was worth a try.” In a louder voice he added “did I say or do anything that weekend that gave you the impression I was not in my right mind?”

Rafael considered the question. “No. You stated that you wanted me to suffer, which is evidence that you knew what you were doing was wrong, and that is borne out by the way you treated me – cutting me, beating me up and injecting blood. You planned it too, by you finding out where I was likely to be and having a knife, syringe and flexi cuffs handy for once you had knocked me out. The fact that you had stopped taking your medication a week before the escape deliberately to raise your viral load is also evidence of premeditation. You understood what you were doing, and that it was a crime. The fact that your planning was secret is indicative that you had awareness that what you were doing put you in legal jeopardy. This is clearly not a sign of insanity as the law defines it. An insanity defense is rarely effective as a defense; even those who have a long history of mental illness are usually found criminally responsible.”

“So why do you believe I did what I did to you?” Johnson asked with a sneer, standing right next to the witness box, so Rafael could smell his bad breath.

“I think you hold me responsible for putting you away for life for the murders of Philip Banks, Peter Smith, Lucas Stacey, Justin Price and James Andrews as I was the prosecutor on those cases. You wanted me to suffer for this perceived crime, and found a way to do it. That makes you evil, not insane.” Rafael could see Johnson’s face going red as he listed the names of the men he had murdered, and his hand clench into a fist, just before the man struck, smashing his fist into Rafael’s face.

The whole court erupted. The judge banged his gavel and the court guards ran for Johnson, restraining the furious man with difficulty. He was dragged out of the court at the same time as Sonny reached Rafael, who had been knocked off the chair by the force of the blow. The judge called for a recess and the jury was led out, as Sonny helped Rafael to his feet. Johnson’s fist had caught him in the eye and cheekbone and the side of his nose.

Rafael was approached by Barrister, who confirmed to him that he would be speaking to the defense attorney and the judge, and that unless there were any problems, he doubted Rafael would be needed again in court. Johnson had tried his best and had his fun, and now it was time for the case to end. Rafael nodded. He agreed. He clamped his handkerchief to his nose as Sonny led him out of the court.

  

***

After Sonny got Rafael home and ensconced on his couch with a bag of frozen peas over his throbbing face, he passed the older man a stiff drink, before sitting down next to him on the couch.

“Can I get you anything else? Tylenol?” he suggested.

Rafael nodded his head. “Yes that would be good, thanks. I am glad that is over but I feel stupid that I didn’t see it coming. I saw his clenched fist, but never believed he would be crazy enough to hit me.”

“Yeah, maybe he is insane,” suggested Sonny as he shook out a few painkillers from the pack he had retrieved from the bathroom cabinet.

He saw the dirty look Rafael gave him at that suggestion, which he thought most people would think effective, even out of one eye, but luckily had no effect on him.

“If you think that, then I was obviously right about Fordham and shouldn’t have wasted my time trying to teach you anything about the law,” Rafael said.

But Sonny just laughed. “Of course I know he isn’t insane, legally or otherwise. And I do know about the insanity defense. New York Consolidated Laws, Penal Law - PEN § 40.15 Mental disease or defect says  ‘In any prosecution for an offense, it is an affirmative defense that when the defendant engaged in the proscribed conduct, he lacked criminal responsibility by reason of mental disease or defect. Such lack of criminal responsibility means that at the time of such conduct, as a result of mental disease or defect, he lacked substantial capacity to know or appreciate either the nature and consequences of such conduct  or that such conduct was wrong.’” Sonny reeled off the legal statute without difficulty. 

Then he continued, “In terms of responsibility you have to be extremely mentally ill not to be able to understand what you are doing or that it’s wrong. That’s clearly not the case here. It’s such a bad defense that of the approx. 6000 murder cases completed in the last decade statewide, only 7 defendants have been found guilty at trial to be not responsible by mental disease or defect. There is no way he is getting off. He will be found guilty on all counts, put away for life, again, and will soon die of AIDS. Good riddance!” He saw a wince from Rafael when AIDS was mentioned.

Rafael took the frozen bag off his face and carefully peeled away his handkerchief. Luckily his nose hadn’t bled much. Sonny frowned when he saw the damage.

“You’re definitely going to have a black eye,” he commented, as he fetched a washcloth from the bathroom which he dampened with warm water before approaching Rafael. He attempted to remove the dried blood, only for the older man to rear back from him in horror.

“What are you doing? You can’t touch me when I’m bleeding!”

Sonny sighed. “You’re not bleeding now, and anyway, I could only be infected if I had an open wound. I don’t. So stop panicking and let me help.

The older man shook his head and pulled the washcloth from Sonny’s hand and stood up, making his way to the bathroom so he could do it himself. Sonny followed him and perched on the counter as he watched Rafael clean his face up.

He spoke to the older man in a low voice. “You need to stop reacting so strongly to any mention of HIV or AIDS, and any sign of body fluids, if you want to keep this a secret. Otherwise people will guess you have tested positive, especially now it is public knowledge what Johnson did to you. I’ve done enough research to know it’s not that easy to pass on, and I’m sure you have done too, but if you keep acting as if your blood is radioactive, it’ll give you away.” 

Rafael washed the washcloth several times using soap and hot water before putting it in the hamper. He leaned against the sink and glared round at Sonny.

“Easy for you to say; you’re not the one who’s HIV positive. So don’t lecture me when you’ve no idea what I’m going through.” 

Sonny sighed and walked out of the bathroom. He knew better than to engage with Rafael when he was in this mood. He could pick his battles. Instead he headed to the kitchen to put on some pasta for dinner for them. He could usually improve Rafael’s mood by feeding him. He really was quite predictable in many ways.

***

A day later, Sonny was in the courtroom to hear Johnson admit his guilt to the charges he faced, and the judge sentence him to many more years of incarceration. Not that that would make any difference as he was dying of AIDS. Rafael hadn’t wanted to be there so Johnson could see the damage his fist had done – his face was swollen and his eye was already turning black.

Sonny and Liv walked out of the court room and went back to the precinct. While in the car, Sonny texted Rafael with the outcome while Liv drove, then there was silence for a couple of minutes before Liv spoke to him.

“So I know that you and Rafael are pretty close at this point, well beyond co-workers and edging past friends, if you haven’t already moved your relationship further yet,” she hinted.

Sonny was startled, not expecting his boss to ask him about their relationship. “We’re friends,” he said, although even he could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

“Sonny, I’m not asking as your boss, and I wouldn’t have any problem with you and Rafael as a couple if that was what you wanted, and you filled in the appropriate disclosure forms. You are both pretty easy to read to those that know you though, and I suspected you have had feelings for him for a long time, well before this happened. I wondered if you had done anything about them yet.” She continued after a brief pause, “or is it that you don’t want to go there, with his diagnosis.”

He glared at her and replied sharply “How could you even think that! HIV is considered a chronic illness at this point and it isn’t a problem to get under control when caught early. There are plenty of ways to prevent infection passing between partners too.”

He saw Liv smile. “I know all that, and I thought you did too, but there is still a stigma attached to HIV infection, unlike other chronic illnesses. Not everyone would want to have to deal with it if they had the choice.”

He sighed. “Yeah, I have thought about how my family would react to me seeing a man who was HIV positive. It wouldn’t be good. But I can deal with it and I am willing to, if it means I get Rafael.”

There was silence again, as Sonny contemplated what he had just said, and that he had admitted to someone for the first time he did want Rafael. They reached the precinct, and Sonny was just taking off his seatbelt when Liv put a hand on his arm to get his attention.

“I think you’d be great together, so I’m routing for you. But you do realize you will need to make the first move, don’t you? He doesn’t think it’s fair to get involved with you due to his diagnosis. I told him that’s your decision to make, but you will need to make it, and be very sure, then convince him.”

Sonny looked at her in astonishment. “You’ve been talking about me to him?”

Liv smirked. “We’re friends. We talk about lots of things, and people. Yes your name came up and the nature of your relationship. He certainly didn’t deny being interested in you. I got the impression I’m not the only person on your side as well.” She then got out of the car.

Sonny knew the conversation was over. His mind was whirring, but in a good way, and he couldn’t keep the grin off his face. He had agreed to Rafael’s request to table the discussion until after he got the final diagnosis – positive or negative – but hadn’t really had time to bring it up since then. First Rafael had been ill, and then needed time to process the result. He had gone away to do that, and when he got back had been the trial. There hadn’t been time to do anything since.

But now the trial was over, and there was no reason to delay any longer. Sonny wanted a relationship with Rafael and wasn’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer, not when the only reason would be because of his HIV status. His mind started filling with ideas on how to approach the subject.


	8. Chapter 8

Rafael got home from work and sank into his couch with a sigh. He took a sip of the whiskey he had poured himself. Now it had been a couple of weeks he was now finally starting to look more normal again, with his bruises fading to green-yellow colors and his face swelling having gone down. Life was back to normal too, with work and then home, just as before this all happened. If it wasn’t for the daily medication he was taking, he could almost convince himself his life hadn’t irrevocably changed. But each day as he reached in to the medicine cabinet and took out his daily tablets, he got the unpleasant reminder that his life had changed.

Each day felt like he was playing the part of ADA Barba. But he didn’t feel as if this was him anymore. It felt like a mask he wore, to hide the real person inside. He was deceiving most people he knew, acting as if nothing had changed, and that he was back to normal, but inside he didn’t feel that was true.

Work felt interminable, with even the victories feeling hollow, and he struggled to concentrate. When he came home he didn’t feel like doing anything; nothing gave him any pleasure. He wasn’t sleeping well; waking up each night in the early hours and struggling to get to sleep again. Even seeing Sonny made him feel guilty, as he knew the man had feelings for him, and with his diagnosis, he couldn’t consider a relationship between them. Seeing the detective just tormented him with what he couldn’t have. He started to make excuses to avoid the younger man, especially when he tried to talk to him about his health, and said he was worried about him. When he wasn’t at work he stayed at home in front of the TV, but without really watching anything. Nothing interested him any more.

This came to a head a few weeks later when he had his follow-up appointment with Dr Carson. She took his bloods and asked him how he was getting on with the antivirals, but then started asking him about his mood, wanting to know if he had been bothered by feeling down, depressed or hopeless. He answered ‘yes’. He also answered the same to her question about finding little interest and pleasure in doing things.

When he left the clinic, he had a month’s supply of an antidepressant, and a list of therapists. She had assured him that depression was quite understandable after what he had been through, with 22% of HIV positive patients experiencing it, and that wasn’t even considering what he had been through with the attack. She explained that although he should start feeling better in a few weeks due to the medication, it would be best if he actually started having some therapy, and that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which was offered by the therapists she had suggested would help him manage his thoughts and reduce the depressive symptoms.

He spoke to Liv about her experiences with therapy, and was reassured to hear her say that she had found it invaluable. He reluctantly made an appointment with one of the therapists on the list and went to see him.

Over the next month he was shown strategies to help him cope with the depression he was feeling, and also had an opportunity to talk about how the attack had made him feel, and the effects it had had on him. He started to put these strategies into practice and found they helped.

He had regularly exercised before the attack, going for a run every few days before work. But after the attack that had stopped as a result of him not feeling safe on the streets. He knew that exercise would be good for him, not just for his physical health, but also that it was helpful for depression. So he joined a gym, and also once a week arranged to go running with Amanda Rollins, as she passed close by his apartment.

He forced himself to go out, even when he didn’t feel like it, and Liv and Sonny made sure they kept him busy a few nights of each week. He knew they had been worried about him, as they had said so, and he suspected they were all conspiring to make sure he kept busy, and got enough fresh air. He even got more used to Noah, as Liv insisted on him coming out with them for a walk in the park on weekends. The young boy had a joy for living that was infectious, and Rafael found himself smiling more often when he was out with them.

Gradually he realized his symptoms were improving, and the combination of the therapy, medication, and plan he had decided to carry out was working. He felt more like himself, started sleeping better, and was enjoying life more.  

***   

Sonny had been worried about Rafael after the trial. He could see the man going downhill but nothing he tried seemed to have any effect. Rafael ignored his pleas to go and get some help, ripped up the leaflet on depression he had tried to show him, and in the end refused to see him at all. He had discussed it with Liv, only to find out she was worried too, and also getting nowhere with the obstinate man.

Luckily Dr Carson had managed to get through to him and insisted he get treated for depression, and although it had taken some time, the detective could see it was working. He was relieved, and tried to come up with pleasurable things to do with Rafael to boost his mood when he saw that was effective. But his plans to start a relationship were on hold, as there was no way that he felt he could bring up the subject when Rafael was depressed like he was.

Now things had improved though. Sonny could tell that Rafael was feeling better, and he was acting more like himself. Plus he wasn’t avoiding Sonny anymore. This gave him hope. So he decided to kick start his plan again. 

Sonny was sat in the clinic mulling over the last time he was here; with Rafael when he was diagnosed HIV positive. Now he was here for his own appointment. He knew this was the right thing to do, and would help convince Rafael he was serious about them. He heard his name called out and went to the indicated room, and smiled at Dr Carson.

“Good Morning Detective Carisi,” she said, shaking his hand.

“Call me Sonny,” he replied.

“Okay, Sonny, what can I do for you today?” she asked.

Sonny took in a deep breath. “Well, you said last time I was here that if I wanted to get PrEP prescribed, that I could come and see you.”

She smiled. “Yes I did. I’m glad you’ve come in. I would need to do an HIV test initially to confirm you are not HIV positive before it is prescribed, and then it takes 7 days of daily use to reach maximum effectiveness. You need to take it each day, and also use safe sex practices as although it would significantly reduce your risk of infection, it doesn’t eliminate it completely. You need repeat HIV tests every three months while you are taking it.”

Sonny nodded. This was all detailed in the information leaflet he had read before making an appointment.

The doctor took out a syringe and proceeded to take the blood sample and sent him to the waiting room to wait for the results, giving him a leaflet to read with more information on what to expect from PrEP, as well as forms to complete with his health insurance information to pay for the medication. Sonny filled them in while waiting calmly. He wasn’t concerned about his HIV test, as he had no reason to think it would be positive, having always been careful in the past.

Sure enough, when he left the clinic an hour later, it was with a negative test result, and a month’s supply of Truvada. He was ready for the next stage of his plan.

***

When Rafael got home from work, it was to find Sonny in his kitchen, cooking up what smelled like delicious Italian food. He had given the detective a key after the attack, and Sonny had said he was planning to come round and cook, so he had expected this, but was surprised how much he liked coming home to have someone waiting for him, rather than an empty apartment. He tried to banish those thoughts; despite Sonny telling him he loved him months ago now, and refusing to give up on the idea of the two of them in a relationship at the time, and saying a positive diagnosis wouldn’t bother him, it hadn’t been mentioned since. Rafael couldn’t blame Sonny, as he was sure if things were the other way round, he wouldn’t be keen to rush into a relationship with an HIV positive man, but it still hurt if he allowed his non-logical side of his brain to think about it. The little spark of hope he had still held after the diagnosis was slowly being extinguished, and he was trying to resign himself to a life of celibacy and bachelorhood. He had his work; it would have to be enough.

“This is what I like to see when I get home from work, a slave in the kitchen cooking my dinner,” he commented with a smirk. “Who needs a wife or should I say husband at home when you’re around?”

“Yeah, yeah, you and Rollins are both lucky that I am a good cook and happy to share my talents with you, otherwise you’d both be on takeout most of the time,” Sonny turned from stirring cheese sauce in a pan and grinned at Rafael. He could feel the smile warm him inside as he headed to his bedroom to change.

By the time he got back out to the kitchen, helping himself to a small drink and sitting at the breakfast bar, it was in time to see a large dish of lasagna being carefully put into his oven to cook. “Good grief Sonny, how many people are you planning to feed with that? Have you invited the rest of the squad round and not told me?”

Sonny laughed. “No, it’s just for us. But there should be plenty of leftovers for the next few days for you. I know you are capable of using your microwave to heat it up when I’m not here.”

Rafael tried to look offended. “I am capable of doing some cooking. I do eat things other than takeout.”

Sonny snorted. “Heating microwave meals doesn’t count as cooking.”

Rafael smiled. “Actually, I have a couple of meals in my repertoire, Cuban meals. My mom told me that a woman wouldn’t marry a man who expected her to do all the cooking. So she insisted on teaching me a few of her simpler meals before I went away to college.”

Sonny leant against the counter and crossed his arms, glaring at Rafael. “In all these months I’ve been coming round here and cooking for you, and you’ve never volunteered this information before! I definitely think it’s time you cooked one for me.”

Rafael smirked. “Maybe next week. I’ll have to check the recipe and get the ingredients.”

Sonny beamed at him, and Rafael could feel himself melt inside. He had trouble keeping up his usual snark when Sonny was around now, as the other man just made him happy. It was worrying how much he felt he had come to depend on him in the last few months.

Sonny interrupted his musings to ask him about the latest case he was prosecuting. It wasn’t an SVU case, but he was interested from a legal perspective to hear about the court proceedings. So Rafael filled him in and the time flew as they discussed the various legal aspects of the case and the possible defenses that could be used. They were only interrupted by the oven buzzing.

Ten minutes later, the steaming dish of lasagna was making Rafael’s mouth water as he helped himself to a large piece, along with a few slices of crusty garlic bread. They were silent through the meal as they both ate, washing it down with a bottle of red wine Sonny had brought with him. Rafael didn’t choose wine as his usual preferred drink, but didn’t have a problem with drinking it with a meal, especially if it complimented the meal, which this one did. By the time he finished the light but tasty tiramisu that Sonny produced as desert, he was full. This was the best meal he could remember having in a long time. He settled on the couch after instructing Sonny to leave the clearing up. It was Friday, so it could wait until tomorrow.

Sonny collapsed on the couch next to him with the remains of the wine in his glass. “The leftovers are in the fridge.”

“Thanks Sonny, that was great,” Rafael said sincerely. He really wasn’t sure what he would have done these last months if it hadn’t been for this man. He knew he didn’t show his appreciation enough.

Sonny smiled at him before taking a swig of his wine, then putting the glass on the coffee table. “You’re welcome. I like taking care of you.” He hesitated for a moment, and then Rafael saw him coming closer, before the younger man placed a gentle kiss on his lips. Rafael froze. He hadn’t been expecting this. Sonny didn’t take his lack of response as rejection though, and carried on placing gentle kisses on his mouth, before gently sucking his bottom lip and then licking his way into Rafael’s mouth.

Rafael groaned. This felt so good! But then he stiffened, knowing he shouldn’t be allowing this. He pulled away. “Sonny, stop. We can’t do this.”

“Of course we can,” Sonny murmured before starting to kiss him again. Rafael found himself responding again before he managed to pull away a second time. This time he pushed Sonny further away from himself with a hand to his chest.

“Stop. We agreed. We can’t get involved with each other.”

Sonny sat up straighter and glared at Rafael. “We agreed that we would table the discussion until after you knew your diagnosis. Now we do, and I know I still want you. Being HIV positive doesn’t stop me from wanting you, or from getting involved with you. We could be great together Rafael.”

He was so tempted, but remembered how he felt; it was not fair on the younger man to get saddled with a sick man like he was. He shook his head. “You could do so much better than me, Sonny. I’m old, diseased, and far too cynical. You’ve your whole life ahead of you. Don’t ruin it.”

Sonny took a swig of his wine before responding, and when he did, he sounded angry. “Don’t you think that’s my decision? I’m old enough to know my mind, and I know what I feel. Don’t belittle my feelings or make decisions for me. If you don’t want me then say so, but don’t refuse me because you think you know what’s best for me.”

Rafael opened his mouth but couldn’t bring himself to tell Sonny he didn’t want him. He knew he did and wouldn’t reasonably be able to convince the younger man that he didn’t. He was a good liar, but Sonny knew him too well. He shook his head. “Sonny, I’m HIV positive. You don’t want to expose yourself to that risk or be stuck with me when I could become ill.”

Rafael heard Sonny sigh, and then he took out of his pocket a packet and folded piece of paper. He passed over the paper to Rafael who opened it up. It was a printout of an article with the title ‘As a doctor, I’d rather have HIV than diabetes’. Rafael didn’t read further than the title before Sonny gestured to it. “I know HIV sounds scary, but from a medical point of view it really isn’t that bad, as that article says. No-one can see into the future, 1 in 3 people are expected to get cancer in their lifetime, diabetes rates are increasing drastically, and there is any number of other things that could happen. Hell, you could be run over by a taxi tomorrow. No-one has a guarantee of a future. All you can do is make the best of today and find happiness where you can.”

Rafael put the article down and looked back at Sonny. “But what about infection risk? I don’t want to give this to you.”

Sonny gestured to the packet sat on the table in front of Rafael. He picked it up and read the label, instantly recognizing the name of the medication and realizing what it was. “Sonny, you can’t take this! It will be on your medical record if you start taking this, and I don’t want you to need to take anything because of me.”

The younger man shrugged. “Damage is done as I already have it and have taken it for the last week. It’s okay, and the sickness I was feeling when I first took it is going away now. It’s now fully effective and along with safe sex practices, there is no reason for you to worry about me becoming infected. Hell, if your viral load levels keep decreasing like you said they had done last month, you won’t be infectious in another few months, and then I can stop taking it. I’m not worried about becoming infected, and even if I did, like the article says, there are much worse things to have.”

Rafael sighed. All his arguments were being broken down by Sonny and he knew he was going to give in. He couldn’t deny his feelings any longer.

“Okay then,” he said quietly, and then as Sonny continued on, not realizing he had won the argument, he cleared his throat and repeated himself in a louder voice. “I said okay then.”

Sonny stopped in the middle of his sentence, and a huge grin spread over his face. “You mean that?”

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Of course I don’t mean it. I’m never letting you within 3 feet of me again,” he continued sarcastically as he watched Sonny lean towards him again for a kiss. He met him halfway. They shared a heated kiss which went on and on, before Rafael reluctantly pulled away.

“But if we’re going to do this, there are rules we need to follow, to keep you safe. None of the precautions available are 100% effective, so we need to do everything we can to minimize the risk. I couldn’t bear to infect you.”

“Yeah, okay,” murmured Sony. “But can we save the non-romantic discussions for later and just enjoy being with each other for now? I don’t expect us to do too much tonight anyway, so there is no rush.” He leaned in again to kiss Rafael’s throat, and he nodded his agreement. He really didn’t expect either of them to last long enough to need to worry about it tonight.

They ended up sprawled over the coach and it was only when Sonny started taking Rafael’s shirt off that he thought about what they were doing and pulled away to sit up. He suggested they move to the bedroom to give himself time to think. He didn’t want to take his top off and have Sonny see the reminder of what had happened to him and the word that was still visible on his chest. Hell, he couldn’t bear to look at it and had made a point of never looking at his reflection in the mirror until he had at least an undershirt on. He knew he would have to say something to Sonny though.

They walked into the bedroom and Rafael turned the bedside light on before he was cornered by the bed, and Sonny started kissing him again, pulling him by the hips until they were plastered together from head to toe. Rafael felt Sonny’s hard cock grinding against his belly and what he was going to say fled from his head, as he moaned into the younger man’s mouth.

Sonny held their hips together with one hand and started to pull Rafael’s shirt out of his pants, which he allowed, before he shrugged off the shirt and allowed it to fall to the floor. He concentrated on removing Sonny’s shirt too. The younger man didn’t have an undershirt on, so Rafael immediately had access to all the pale flesh of his chest. He spent a few minutes exploring this, running his hands over the man’s chest and back, tweaking his nipples to see what reaction that got, and stroking his flat belly, before moving his hand down further, past his waistband to feel the hard ridge of his cock beneath his zipper.

Rafael glanced up into Sonny’s eyes and saw the nod of permission before he undid the belt, and then the pant fastenings, pushing them down over his hips. They fell to the floor and Sonny stepped out of them. Once he had done so, Rafael pushed him down until he was lying on the bed. He removed the socks then ran his hand up the slim legs, before pulling down the boxers to reveal the hardness underneath. He felt his mouth watering. He knew what he wanted to do tonight, and it wouldn’t involve any risk to Sonny. He bent his head down, leaning his weight on his arms as he ran his tongue from the base to tip of the cock in front of him, swirling over the head before taking it into his mouth.

He went with the movement when Sonny instinctively thrust his hips in the air, and just took the younger man deeper into this mouth, before swallowing round the head. He heard Sonny moan and smirked, as much as he could anyway. He liked doing this and knew he was good at it. He intended to give Sonny the blowjob of his life.

***

Sonny gasped for air as Rafael went down on him again, taking him deep into his throat. He had had plenty of blowjobs in the past, but he didn’t remember one this good before, although it had been some time since he had received one. He knew he wasn’t going to last long. He looked down the bed, meeting the eyes of his new lover, and just the sight of Rafael’s mouth wrapped around his cock sent him even closer to the edge. He gasped out a warning, which the older man ignored, and a minute later, he came, pumping all his seed down his throat. Sonny collapsed down onto the bed to recover.

When he had come back to himself enough to open his eyes again, he saw Rafael taking a drink of water from the bottle by the side of the bed, a smirk firmly fixed to his face. Sonny laughed. “Feel pleased with yourself do you?” he commented.

“Oh yeah, I think by your reaction I can deduce that I haven’t lost my skills, at least in this area,” he said, passing the bottle to Sonny who took a drink too, before putting the bottle down on the bedside table.

“No, you’ve not lost them, but anytime you want to get more practice, feel free,” he said with a grin. “In the meantime, I think it’s your turn.” Sonny moved onto his side and reached for Rafael, reaching for his undershirt. Rafael caught his hand and pulled it lower, to his cock, and Sonny allowed himself to be redirected. After caressing the hard bulge he could feel, he undid the pants and with help from Rafael, removed them and the underpants.

Sonny wrapped his hand around the shaft, running his thumb over the head to collect the pre-come he found there, and used it to slick his hand so it moved easily over the hot flesh. He heard Rafael gasp encouragement and felt him thrust into his hand, so continued to fist the hard cock, pulling harder and faster as instructed by gasps from the older man.

He pulled Rafael into a kiss, and their tongues thrust together as Rafael came apart, arching back with a cry when Sonny added a twist to his wrist movement and ran his thumb over the slit. He felt the hot pulses that signaled the ADA’s release, and then gentled his movements to avoid oversensitivity.

Rafael slumped back onto the bed as Sonny moved away to get some tissues to wipe him up with. Within five minutes they were stretched out on the bed together, their legs entwined and the covers pulled up so they could get some sleep.

“Are you going to keep that top on?” Sonny asked, and saw Rafael hesitate before he removed it, careful to keep his chest out of sight and quickly covering up with the duvet. Sonny was well aware of what the issue would be, and wasn’t happy about it, but knew now was not the time to tackle it. He had made a lot of progress tonight as it was, and was not about to push his luck. There would be plenty of time for that.

He pulled closer to Rafael and kissed him gently before saying goodnight and switching off the light. Once the room was in darkness, he felt Rafael relax more, and soon they were both asleep.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.spectator.co.uk/2014/04/why-id-rather-have-hiv-than-diabetes/ 
> 
> This is the link to the article that Sonny shows Rafael, if you'd like to read it.


	9. Chapter 9

Sonny woke up in the middle of the night to find the spot beside him empty, and barely warm. He realized Rafael must have been up for some time. He squinted at the clock by the bed to see it read 3.47am. He sighed, but got out of bed and pulled on his boxers before going looking for his missing lover.

He found him sat at the kitchen bar, staring outside at the twinkling lights of Manhattan, a city which as the song said, never slept. Even at this time he could see signs of life in other buildings, and faintly hear traffic from below them. He sat down next to Rafael who startled, as he obviously hadn’t heard him come in. He apologized then pulled his chair closer, pulling the shorter man into his arms and resting his head on his shoulder.

“What’s up? What’s keeping you up at this time of night?” he asked. He heard a sigh, but was reassured by feeling Rafael lean against him slightly, with his arms wrapped over Sonny’s.

“I woke up and my mind wouldn’t stop going over what you said, and what we did. I’m just worried that doing this isn’t the right thing for you.”

Sonny stiffened. ‘Not again,’ he thought. “We’ve been through this. We can discuss infection risks and disclose at work, and agree on those aspects. Those are concerns you have brought up before. We don’t know if it will last forever, if we are compatible, but that’s why we spend time together and see.  What other worries have you got?”

He waited for a minute to see what else Rafael would have to say. He knew as a cop that silence could be a good interview technique; His patience was rewarded, as the older man hesitantly started to speak.

“What Johnson did affected me in many ways. I have nightmares, which is what woke me up, and occasionally some PTSD, although the therapy I’ve had is helping with that. I’m still struggling with depression, although that is improving, and there is also what he did to me, the scars. They…bother me,” Rafael admitted, his voice practically trailing off to a whisper. Sonny could hear the shame in his voice, and realized how hard it had been for the other man to admit this. He placed a kiss on his cheek.

“I’m not surprised about the nightmares or PTSD. I think it would be more of a shock if you didn’t have those problems. As you can tell, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, and you having the nightmare and getting up earlier didn’t wake me. But if you do have a nightmare and don’t want to be alone after it, I don’t mind if you wake me. I have nightmares myself sometimes with what I’ve seen on the job, so I’m here for you. I know about the depression too, and expected that after your diagnosis. I agree it’s improving. I also know that the medication you’re taking for it can affect sexual function too, although you didn’t seem to have any problems earlier,” he said with a smile, wanting to keep the discussion a bit lighter. 

“As for the scars, I guessed that is an issue for you earlier, when you kept your top on. I don’t mind seeing them but if they make you uncomfortable, then I’m not going to force you into stripping off. We can work on all of these issues. We’ve plenty of time, and there’s no hurry. But life’s for living, for making the most of. Don’t let Johnson win by letting what he did control your life. I say we keep moving forward, slowly, at a pace you’re comfortable with.”

Sonny was silent after he finished, just enjoying holding Rafael in his arms. He could tell he was lost in thought. After a few minutes, the older man yawned. Sonny grinned, and suggested they went back to bed. Rafael agreed, and they walked hand in hand back to the bedroom before Sonny stripped off again and got into bed. He watched Rafael take off the robe he had put on and slide into bed and under the covers before he moved into his arms. They cuddled together and Sonny was starting to drop off again when Rafael spoke.

“Thank you Sonny. I love you and I do want to continue this, slowly.”

Sonny smiled in the darkness. “You’re welcome. I love you too. Let’s get some sleep, now. Goodnight.” He heard the whispered goodnight in return, and then allowed sleep to pull him all the way under.

***    

In the morning, Rafael woke up to find himself in an empty bed. He could hear Sonny moving around in his kitchen and smell the very welcome aroma of coffee. He smiled. He could get used to this. Just then the door opened and Sonny popped his head in.

“Ah, you’re awake. Do you want coffee in bed?” the younger man asked. Rafael could see he was showered, judging by the wet hair, and fully dressed.

Rafael shook his head. “No thanks, I’ll grab a quick shower then come out for it.” The younger man disappeared again and Rafael slowly got out of bed. Before the attack, he wouldn’t have hesitated to stay in bed, and convince his lover to come back to bed, or even to join him in the shower, but now he couldn’t consider it. He glanced down at his chest. Despite what Sonny said, and the fact that he already knew what word had been carved into his chest, he couldn’t imagine being comfortable enough to have his scars seen. For now at least, he would have to stay covered up or be in the dark if he was to strip off.

When he was fully dressed and joined Sonny in the kitchen, it was to find him putting the finishing touches to breakfast. Pancakes were on the menu, along with bacon, and plenty of coffee. Rafael finished his first coffee before he even started eating, and had finished his second by the time breakfast was over.

After profusely thanking the chef, he helped him clear up before they topped up their mugs – Rafael on his third coffee and Sonny his second – then moved to the couch. Sonny snuggled into Rafael and leaned in for a kiss, something Rafael was happy to provide. They stayed together in each other’s arms for some time in comfortable silence, sipping their coffees.

“So what do you want to do today?” Rafael asked. “I guess you’re not working, but I’m sure with your bar exam coming up, plus your family, you must have some plans this weekend. I’m not expecting to monopolize your time, so if you’ve things to do, then that’s fine, but if you want company or help, then that’s okay too.”

“Actually, I do have plans this afternoon. My sister is going shopping with Tommy to get stuff for the new baby, so I said I would babysit for her. You’re welcome to join me.”

Rafael swallowed hard before responding. “Okay, I could do that.” He knew dealing with Sonny’s family would have to happen sooner or later, and had promised himself not to avoid them if he wanted Sonny in his life.

He saw Sonny glance at him with a look of astonishment on his face. “You’re not usually this amenable. I guess sex really does put you in a good mood. It’s a shame we didn’t know this years ago. All the hassle we could have saved ourselves at work if I’d made a move on you before now. I would have gladly sacrificed my virtue for an easier life.”

Rafael glared at him. “You’ve just caught me on a good day. Don’t think you can wrap me round your finger now. I said I would join you. The entertaining of your niece is up to you. I’m not the babysitter – you are. I don’t do nappies either.”

Sonny laughed at that. “I never thought you would. Don’t worry, I’m an expert at them. I was going to take her to the zoo. She loves seeing the animals and it’s not too cold today, especially if we wrap up well.” Rafael nodded his agreement. He couldn’t remember when he had been to the zoo last, probably a few decades ago.

Later that day as they wandered round the Tisch Children’s Zoo, and he stayed with the pushchair and bag while Sonny went with his niece to see the potbellied pigs, he reflected on what a good dad he would make, and felt sad that if their relationship worked out, that wasn’t on the cards for him. He himself had never considered becoming a father. Apart from knowing from a young age that he was gay, he never felt he had a good rapport with any children, and definitely didn’t have the patience for them. He was too wrapped up in his own life, and own wants and needs to put someone else first. He knew his mom had been keen to have grandchildren, but had long ago come to terms with that not happening. It was something he would discuss with Sonny though, as children was not something you could compromise on in a relationship.

He got the opportunity later, as they were sat enjoying a well-deserved drink and cake at a café close to where Bella and Tommy lived. Little Freya had been dropped home safe and sound, and had given Uncle Sonny a big hug and kiss goodbye, and even ‘Uncle Raf’ as Sonny had been calling him all day was given a hug goodbye as well.

Rafael stirred his coffee, lost in thought, and was startled when Sonny interrupted his train of thought.

“Come on Rafael, what’s on your mind? I can tell something is, so out with it.”

He looked up at Sonny to see him smiling. “You’re really good with her, with all children. I’ve seen you with Noah, and also Jesse. Do you want a family of your own?”

Sonny leaned back on the bench seat he was sitting on. “I’ve thought about it, and if I had found myself in a traditional heterosexual relationship, I expect it would have probably happened. Yes, I like children, and I want to have children in my life. That I have now, with a niece, and another one on the way, and also with Noah and Jesse. I don’t need to father a child myself to achieve that. Of course if it was an option, then I would certainly consider it. But it’s not a deal-breaker for me.”

Rafael was surprised, but wary. “Hmm. And how much of that did you just say because you think I don’t want children?” He watched Sonny’s face as he said this, and saw the younger man turn slightly pink and look sheepish.

“Maybe a bit, but I’m not lying. If you want kids then great, we can discuss it. If you don’t, I can cope with that, as I have other children in my life. So how do you feel about having a family?”

He sighed. “I’ve never been keen, to be honest. I suppose when I was younger my priority was getting out of the Barrio, getting my career going, and all my focus was on that. Romance and settling down never entered my mind. Now, I feel it’s too late and I am too set in my ways, too inexperienced and awkward with children. I like my comforts, and not having to worry about someone else. I don’t want the disruption kids would bring to my life. I’m sorry.”

Sonny shrugged. “As I said, it’s not a deal breaker. That’s pretty much what I expected you to say anyway. I will want to spend time with the kids in my life, and as long as you can accept that, then we won’t have any problem. Plus it’s pretty early to even be having this type of discussion. We’ve only just agreed to a relationship, never mind talking about settling down or our future. It’s not as if either of us could get pregnant anyway!” He grinned as he said that, and Rafael smiled back, realizing he was trying to lighten the tone from the serious discussion he had initiated. He knew it wasn’t the answer Sonny ideally had wanted, but he felt happier knowing he had raised the subject and stated his position. He didn’t want to get further down the line with Sonny only to realize that it was a big issue they couldn’t get around.

***

A few weeks later, and Sonny was feeling frustrated. Not sexually, as although he and Rafael hadn’t had intercourse yet, they were doing most other things, but with Rafael’s attitude. He was so paranoid of passing on the infection to Sonny that he was extra cautious. Each time Sonny went to give him a blow job the older man insisted on asking if he had any sores in his mouth or bleeding gums, and suggested they use a condom. He could understand it, but it was ruining the moment. He knew the reason they hadn’t had intercourse yet was also due to Rafael’s paranoia. Although the sex they were having was good, the irritation that Sonny was starting to feel each time they got intimate was starting to ruin it for him.

So he decided to be proactive. He did research and then wrote up a legal contract for them both to sign, which stated the conditions of their relationship which would minimize the risk to Sonny of contracting HIV. He didn’t feel it was necessary, but knew that it would make Rafael feel more secure and hopefully shut him up in the bedroom on the subject.

Sonny cooked them a meal after work and they were relaxing on the couch finishing the last of their drinks when Sonny decided now was the best time to bring up the subject. He wanted to make sure it was before they started getting hot and heavy, which judging by the last few weeks, could be at any time now. He moved to his bag and got out the document he had produced.

Rafael raised one eyebrow. “What’s that? Homework?”

Sonny shook his head. “No. It’s for us. I know you are worried about me becoming infected with HIV, and that is why you keep asking me about any cuts or sores, and are reluctant to do some things in the bedroom. I understand that, but I feel it’s getting in the way of our relationship. So I thought if we laid down in writing what our expectations were of each other, it would enable us to leave it unsaid.”

Sonny saw Rafael hold out his hand for the paper, and when he handed it over, heard the shock in Rafael’s voice. “You’ve written us a contract?”

He shrugged, and could tell he was blushing. “Well, considering you’re a lawyer, and I’m on my way to hopefully becoming one, it seemed appropriate.” He watched as Rafael read the paper and glance to see the second sheet was a copy of the first, then put it down again, and looked seriously at him.

“You expect us both to sign this?”

“Why not? Unless you’ve anything you want to add in or change. I’ve done my research, and there is a sheet of references here for you too which show the statistics of MSM infection with different acts. If we both abide by what is in there, the risks to me are practically nil, and it will mean we don’t need to discuss these things again.”

He saw Rafael sigh. “It seems very unromantic, to sign a contract over our sex life.”

“You don’t think it’s unromantic for you to question me about my oral care every time I try to give you a blowjob and argue about condoms?” he retorted. “The contract says that if either of us has any sores or bleeding, we tell each other straight away and refrain from any risky activities. So you won’t need to mention it again unless it is an issue. That keeps it away from the bedroom.”

“You’ve added in things that we’re not doing.”

“Intercourse and analingus, you mean?” Sonny asked, seeing the nod Rafael gave him. “I know. That’s because I wanted to cover all the options now. Intercourse is also something I want to do, when you’re ready.”

“This last paragraph is out of place. You can’t legalize how people are to feel.”

Sonny grinned. “I know. But I’m really not expecting us to use this in a court of law.” He had added at the end that if an accident should happen, and Sonny did become HIV positive because of something they had done, that he was not to blame Rafael, and Rafael was not to feel guilty. He wanted to make sure his lover was fully aware that Sonny knew all the risks and was going into this with his eyes wide open.

“So is there anything you want to change, or add? Are you happy to sign it?” Sonny asked, getting a pen out.

Rafael shook his head. “I can’t think of anything you’ve missed out. This is very…comprehensive. Lots of correct anatomical and sexual terms.”

“Well I’m used to you using them in court all the time, and I don’t think blowjob would really sound right in that type of document.” Sonny passed the pen to Rafael who took it and looked at him with a smile on his face as he signed and dated the bottom of both pages. 

“I can’t believe you’re really done this. You’re becoming more like a lawyer every day. I hope you plan to keep this somewhere safe so no-one can find it.”

Sonny laughed and took the pen back and signed the documents himself before passing Rafael one copy. “I’ll keep my copy in my safe at home where I keep my gun locked away.”

He watched Rafael take a sip of his drink as he folded the paper and put it on the coffee table. “What else? I can tell you’ve still something to say about this.” He waved his hand towards the contract they had both just signed.

Rafael shrugged. “It says we are to be monogamous, and keep taking the medication prescribed for us unless agreed otherwise following medical advice, and to share our test results with each other.”

“Trust is crucial between two people in a relationship, especially where HIV is concerned.”

“I agree. But if the trust isn’t there, then putting it in a contract won’t help.”

Sonny looked at Rafael. “I trust you, otherwise I wouldn’t be doing this. And I believe you trust me. When couples get married they express their love and promise to be together forever verbally in front of witnesses, but they also sign a legal document. Having both the verbal acknowledgement backed up by a contract is accepted in our society.”

Rafael’s eyebrows shot up. “So we’re discussing marriage now?” he commented.

Sonny laughed. “No, we’re discussing how we conduct ourselves within the relationship we have now. There is no time period on it, so whether it lasts a month or forever is between us. Any other comments?”

Rafael shook his head. “Good,” purred Sonny as he moved closer and put his arms around the older man. “Because I was hoping we could move on to considering which of the sexual acts I mentioned in the contract we want to try next.” He nibbled Rafael’s earlobe and felt a shiver go through him. He knew that was one of his hot spots.

“Yeah, we can do that,” Rafael murmured, as he angled his head towards Sonny’s for a passionate kiss.

The kiss went on and on, getting more intense as Sonny leaned over until he was sprawled across Rafael. Sonny wrenched himself up and off with a jerk, leaning down to reach a hand down to help Rafael up. The older man was flushed and panting, and obviously hard as the ridge behind his pants was visible. He adjusted himself as he reached up to grasp Sonny’s hand. The younger man grinned at seeing how undone Rafael was at just a few minutes kissing.

They walked into the bedroom and Rafael immediately turned the lights to low before starting to take off Sonny’s top. He reciprocated but only as far as taking off the older man’s dress shirt. He knew that trying to take off the final covering of his undershirt would put a dampener on things as Rafael would react as if a bucket of cold water had been thrown over him. Sonny was determined to tackle that elephant in the room at some point, but not tonight. He would take the win on the contract for now.

He quickly removed Rafael’s pants and then stripped his own off, before toppling them both to the bed. He reached into the bedside drawer which contained condoms and lube. Rafael opened his mouth as if to protest, but saw Sonny’s face and shut it again. Sonny felt bad. He had assumed that Rafael was about to make a comment about risk, but it could be that he wasn’t ready for that yet.

“We don’t need to do this unless you want to. I don’t want to push you into anything you aren’t ready for,” he said seriously, as he took off his boxers.

He saw Rafael shake his head. “No, it’s not that. I suppose I’m too used to saying ‘no’ to anything with risk attached now. I definitely want to do this.”

“Okay, but which way would you prefer?” Sonny asked. He honestly didn’t mind topping or bottoming, and planned to get round to both with his lover, but this first time would be Rafael’s choice.

“You top,” said Rafael without hesitation.

Sonny looked at him with one head cocked to one side. “Now are you saying that because it’s what you prefer or because you know the risk for me is lower this way round?”

Sonny saw Rafael flush, which gave him his answer. He sighed. “Rafael…” he started but was interrupted.

“No Sonny, I do know that the risk is lower for you this way, and yes, it is probably why I’m suggesting it first, but give me time to get used to this will you? I like both positions, and plan to reverse things soon enough, but I just need some time to process this change between us.”

Sonny could tell by looking at Rafael’s eyes that he was telling the truth, and so he nodded. “Okay, I can do that.” Rafael leaned over to give him a kiss before pulling away to remove his underwear. Sonny quickly got with the program, and covered a few of his fingers with the slippery lube.

As he inserted a finger, Rafael gasped. Sonny immediately froze; worried he had hurt the older man. “No, carry on. It’s just been a while and I’d forgotten how good this felt,” Rafael said. Sonny continued, kissing his lover passionately while opening him up. It took a while, but Sonny didn’t stop until he was thrashing about on the bed, thrusting against his fingers and panting. Sonny loved to see him this way.

He put on the condom with shaky hands, and squeezed the base of his cock to take away the urgency before moving into position.

“You sure about this Rafael?” he asked his lover.

“Yes, very sure. Get on with it!” was the reply. Sonny didn’t hesitate any longer and started to slowly push inside the hot channel of his lover for the first time.

He gasped. It had been a while for him too, and this was a fantasy he had had for a long time. He wasn’t sure how long he would last. He stayed still once he had bottomed out and looked down at Rafael. He was lying still, breathing deeply with his eyes shut, but Sonny could see signs of pain on his face. He made the effort not to move, despite wanting to do nothing but thrust until he came.

After about a minute, Rafael opened his eyes and smiled at Sonny. “Move,” he murmured. “I’m okay now.” He thrust his hips upwards into Sonny to confirm this, and that was the sign the younger man needed. He slid most of the way out slowly then back in again, seeing the pleasure on his lover’s face as he hit his prostate, then repeated the move, over and over, increasing in speed until they found a frequency they liked.

He took Rafael’s very hard cock in his hand, still slippery from lube, and jacked it in time with his thrusts. This was enough to send Rafael spiraling out of control, and it didn’t take long before he came with a moan of Sonny’s name. Sonny had struggled to last as long as he did, and hearing this, along with the clenching around his cock sent him over the edge too. He collapsed to the other side of the bed, gasping for air.

***

It took Rafael a few minutes to get his breath back. God, it had been so long and time had dulled his memory of how great it felt to get fucked. He had always loved it, and finally to do it with Sonny was a fantasy come to life. He had imagined in the past being with Sonny, before the attack, but after it, he hadn’t allowed himself to even think about it, not wanting to torture himself with what couldn’t happen. When he was diagnosed HIV positive, he had thrown away his condoms and lube, knowing he could never risk having this again with anyone. But Sonny had worn him down, and defeated him with facts and figures, until even he had been convinced they could do this safely. He grabbed a handful of tissues from the bedside table and wiped up the come from his abdomen, trying not to imagine it as a lake of virus particles, out to kill Sonny. He knew in his mind that Sonny was safe.

He gazed over at the younger man, seeing the grin on his face as he removed the condom. He passed over a tissue to wrap it in, and then got off the bed to throw them all in the trash can. He felt hot and sticky, and the undershirt was sticking to him, making him uncomfortable. His smile faded. He wished he didn’t need to cover up, and that his scars weren’t there, as a permanent reminder of what had happened to him, telling him what he sometimes felt he was. Here he was, an older man corrupting and risking the health of a young, virile man who wanted more than Rafael could offer him. Maybe calling him a pervert wasn’t wrong. He tried to snap out of it. It was one subject he hadn’t managed to cover in his therapy sessions yet, as he knew it hit too close to home for him.

He finished cleaning up in the bathroom and changed his undershirt for a clean one before turning round to face Sonny again. He could see the younger man looking at the clothing he was wearing, and hoped he wouldn’t say anything about it. He didn’t.

Rafael got into the bed and cuddled up to Sonny, feeling the heat still on his skin and stroking his back gently. They kissed, this time it holding none of the passion of before, but love and caring. They reluctantly pulled apart and Sonny turned off the light before reaching behind to pull the undershirt off Rafael. Now they were in the dark, they could be naked together. It was the only time he could allow it. He buried his head on Sonny’s shoulder, feeling embarrassed about how these scars made him feel, but loving Sonny all the more because of his willingness to accept this limitation to their relationship without comment. They fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms.


	10. Chapter 10

Two weeks later, and Sonny was still wrestling with the problem of how to approach Rafael about his scars. He had done research online and found quite a few websites with information for people on coping with life-changing scars, whether from wounds, operations or burns. He still wasn’t sure how best to bring up the subject however, or what to say to minimize the chance that Rafael would react badly.

He got one opportunity to discuss the subject after he handed in his disclosure papers to Liv. She smiled as he handed them in, and asked how things were going. He told her they were fine, but she obviously read in his expression that there was something he wasn’t saying, and asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about. He closed the door behind himself so there was just the two of them in her office and then hesitated.

“Could I ask you a personal question? If it’s out of line, or you don’t want to answer, then just say, but I could use some advice.” Sonny looked at her pleadingly. She looked at him steadily and nodded.

He started carefully. “As part of my degree we’ve been reading up on recent cases and as well as that, for personal interest, I’ve done a bit more about the history of this squad. I know Rafael isn’t the first person here to be abducted and tortured.” He looked steadily at her, sure he was stepping on memories she didn’t want reminding of.

“So you’ve read up on what William Lewis did to me; I get that Carisi. What is it you wanted to know?” She sounded more composed than Sonny thought he would have been, under the circumstances.

“How did you cope with your scars? It’s like an elephant in the room between Rafael and me, and I don’t know what to do or say for the best.” Sonny got out what he wanted to know in a rush, and then tensed in the chair, waiting for her response.

He heard Liv take in a deep breath before she replied. “I think everyone reacts differently, and I am very different to Rafael. When you say it’s like an elephant in the room, what exactly do you mean?”

He sighed. “He won’t take off his top unless we are completely in the dark. I’ve no idea how bad the scars are or if they are healing well, and he won’t let me touch his chest or remove his top. He freezes if I even touch his back under his T-shirt. I don’t want it to be like this. No matter what they look like, I want to know and it not to be a barrier between us. I want him to trust me enough to let me see him.”

Liv shook her head. “Oh Sonny, it’s not that he doesn’t trust you. The scars, no matter what they look like, don’t reflect what he feels about them. They remind him of the worst day of his life, and they are terrible in his memory, no matter what they in actuality are like. When he looks at them he won’t see the scars, but remember the pain and humiliation and fear that he felt when they were done. I know I struggled to let anyone see mine, even when they were well healed. It took me a long time to get comfortable with them, and the fact that in Rafael’s case they aren’t random, but a word, makes it worse.”

Sonny hung his head down. “So what should I do? Just keep pretending that I don’t know what he’s doing and accept it, or try and discuss it with him?”

She bit her lip and Sonny waited anxiously for her answer. She knew him better than he did, and she had personal experience.

“I think that he knows you want to discuss it, and the longer you both ignore it, the worse it will get. Bringing it out into the open is probably best. But knowing Rafael, he is likely to react badly no matter what you say, so just be prepared for that, and try not to take it personally. You can’t force him to show you his scars, but if he knows that you don’t care what they look like and will still be there for him no matter what, then that’s all you can do. Scars take a long time to heal and with scars that were inflicted so traumatically, it is still early days for him to come to terms with them. Be patient and give him time.”

Sonny smiled at her. “Thanks. I’ll do that.” He got up and left the office, feeling lighter than when he went in. He was glad he had asked.

***

 

It was Christmas, and although Sonny had offered to spend the holidays with Rafael, the ADA had declined, knowing the younger man usually spent time with his family. He didn’t want to take him away from them, especially with his niece for the first time being old enough to understand a little of what was going on. Instead he accepted an offer from Liv to join her and Noah for the day. He was getting more used to the young boy, and this evidence that she was happy to have him at her home around her son despite his HIV status warmed him.

So after Sonny set off to Staten Island, he headed off to Liv’s apartment, taking a good bottle of red wine and a present for both her and Noah with him.

Noah had been given lots of presents, and was happily entertained playing with them and showing them to Rafael, which made it easier for him to cope with the boy while Liv was cooking. They enjoyed a lovely meal and then settled down for a chat in the afternoon, while Noah was having a nap.

"Do you want another drink?” he asked, gesturing to the wine bottle in his hand. He saw her nod and moved to sit on the couch next to her, topping up her glass and carrying a glass of whiskey for himself.

“So how are you and Sonny doing?” she asked. He could hear the smile in her voice.

He rolled his eyes. “We’re good. Are you going to say you told me so?”

She laughed. “I wasn’t going to, but now you mention it…”

He glared at her.

“But seriously, you’ve been through a lot in the last 6 months, and adding a new relationship on top of that can’t be easy. I remember what it was like for me after William Lewis, and I didn’t have the ongoing health worries you’ve had.”

“No, you just had the trial and being accused of assaulting him to cope with,” he retorted.

“True. But I’m just saying, getting over a trauma like that isn’t easy, and can take a long time. Sometimes it’s easy to take out what you are going through on those closest to you. I know Brian had a hard time coping with me after it. I had PTSD, slept badly with nightmares, startled easily and struggled with intimacy, especially with the scars I was left with.”

Rafael looked at her intently, suddenly suspecting what had made her bring this subject up now. “Has Sonny said something to you?” he asked suspiciously.

She sighed. “He asked my advice, knowing I’ve been through something similar, that’s all.”

He ran a hand through his hair, suddenly feeling furious that Sonny had mentioned something so personal to her. “He had no right to say anything about me to you. It’s personal!” he fumed, getting up and pacing around the room, nearly tripping over a toy that Noah had left out. He realized it wasn’t safe to keep moving so sat down again, but was still agitated. 

“Hold on Rafael. Don’t go off the deep end. He knows what I went through and asked me how I coped with my scars. I took your statement so he knows I am aware what you went through. I’m not surprised he’s worried about how you will react if he says anything to you if this is how you respond. Calm down.”

He took a deep breath in and tried to do as she said. He was embarrassed that she was aware he was struggling with this. He took another gulp of his drink. She put a hand on his arm before continuing in a quieter voice.

“I kept my scars covered up for a long time, with dressings on long after they needed to be, because I didn’t want Brian to see them. I preferred to change in private, and even bought new nightwear so it covered my scars. I know how you feel. I didn’t think he would be able to cope with the scars. But it wasn’t him that couldn’t cope – it was me. I hated them because of the reminder of how I got them. When I managed to stop hiding it helped. He treated them like they were just part of me, like an operation scar, and that reduced the impact on me. I could forget about them, and stop thinking so much about what was done to me.”

Rafael looked at Liv and saw that telling him this personal account was difficult for her. He could read the emotions in her eyes, and he tried to respond to her as honestly as he could.

“I can’t look at them myself, let alone show them to Sonny. I know he saw them when they were first done, before they were stitched up, and he knows what it says, written all across my chest. How is he meant to ignore that?” He could hear the hitch in his voice as he spoke and looked down at the glass of whiskey in his hand. He couldn’t see it clearly. A tear drop fell onto his hand and he realized how much this conversation was affecting him.

“I don’t think he will ignore it, any more than you can expect him to ignore you hiding the scars from him forever. But I don’t think he will react badly either, and I know he won’t think less of you for what they look like. It will probably help you if you can let him see them. You won’t have to keep hiding part of yourself or worrying each time you are together if this is the night he will say something about them. That has to be stressful. Get it over with; rip off the band aid and get it in the open.”

He sniffed and tried to discretely wipe his eyes before he looked up at her. “Thanks Liv,” he whispered. He knew she could see the tears still in his eyes when she pulled him forward into a hug.

“Anytime you want to talk Rafael, I’m here for you.”

He let go of her and managed to pull himself together, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the present he had gotten her. She opened it up and found a pair of earrings to match a necklace he had seen her wear. She was thrilled. It was a great way to change the subject onto a less emotionally-fraught one and gave him time to get his composure back before Noah woke up.

Sonny joined him at home later that night, but he didn’t say anything about his conversation with Liv. He wanted time to think about it first.

***

He was still thinking about that conversation the next week. It was New Year’s Eve and they had celebrated as a couple. They had been out to a show and had then watched the ball falling in Times Square by TV in Rafael’s apartment, not wanting to brave the crowds outside. They cuddled together on the balcony to watch the firework display over the park until they got too cold, and then decided to come inside for the night.

Rafael knew it was only a matter of time before they moved things to the bedroom, and for the first time he felt butterflies in his stomach. He knew it wasn’t because of the sex; that had always been great between them. No, this time it was because he was steeling himself to take Liv’s advice and finally stop covering up his scars. He wanted to start the New Year without this still being between them.

He had tried to look at them himself that morning in the shower, but hadn’t been able to do it. He decided that if they looked too bad he wouldn’t be able to go through with this, and thought that he would consider that any sight of them would be too bad. It would be better to just let Sonny see them, and then try to judge how they were from his reaction.

He leaned over and gave Sonny a kiss, wanting to take his mind off the scars and onto more pleasurable things. Sonny didn’t hesitate, and enthusiastically returned his kiss. They moved closer, kissing more deeply, until Rafael decided to take things further and got up, pulling his lover with him into the bedroom. They continued to kiss as they undressed, as usual with Rafael keeping his top on. Sonny didn’t comment.

They got onto the bed and Rafael reached into the bedside table and passed a condom and the well-used tube of lube to Sonny. He got onto his hands and knees and Sonny soon took the hint and was stretching him open.

When Sonny paused to put on the condom, Rafael knelt up on the bed, but stayed still facing the headboard, with Sonny behind him. He could feel his hand shaking as he took hold of the bottom of his undershirt and pulled it over his head. He heard a sharp intake of breath from Sonny, but he didn’t make any comment. He got back onto all fours again. 

Sonny wrapped one arm around Rafael’s waist, pulling him closer and then gently kissed his back. “Thank you,” he heard whispered, before Sonny pushed deeply inside him, still caressing his back.

He gasped at the feeling, not only of being filled, and the pleasure of having his prostate stimulated, but, also his back being stroked and kissed with every movement. His back was sensitive, and he had been so determined to keep his scars hidden that he had denied the pleasure of it being stroked and kissed and touched.

They moved in unison, both easily finding their preferred rhythm, and it only took a few minutes for both men to reach their peaks, Rafael helped along by Sonny’s hand on him. He collapsed on the bed on his front, partly he knew because he wanted to hide his scars for as long as possible. He stayed there, catching his breath, and didn’t move even when he felt Sonny get off the bed to dispose of the condom.

The next thing he felt was the warm wetness of a washcloth as Sonny cleaned up the lube, and then passed him to cloth so he could clean up the remains of his come from his torso. He awkwardly sat up to do this, keeping faced away from Sonny, who lay on the bed, drinking from a water bottle. When Rafael finished, he tossed the cloth towards the clothes hamper. He stayed sitting, not sure what to do next.

He felt cloth nudge his arm and glanced over his shoulder to see Sonny holding his undershirt out to him. He looked into the younger man’s eyes and could see love there. It gave him the strength to carry on with his plan. He took a deep breath in and then shook his head.

Sonny smiled at him and threw the clothing off the bed. He sat up in the bed and moved closer, wrapping his arms around Rafael and hugging him from behind. Rafael tried to relax but was very conscious of Sonny’s arms around him, covering his chest and the scars. They sat there for a minute and Rafael could feel the tension reduce, although not go completely.

“Are you going to ask to see them,” he asked tentatively.

“Not if you’re not ready to show me,” was the answer he got back.

“I don’t think I’ll ever really be ready to show anyone,” he admitted in a quiet voice. “But Liv says I should.”

“Have they not healed well?” Sonny asked, hesitantly.

Rafael shook his head. “I don’t know. I can’t look at them. But you can, if you want to,” he added in a whisper.

He felt Sonny draw back from holding him and then move so he was sitting next to Rafael. He took hold of his hand and kissed it, and then kissed Rafael on the lips, not looking at him, but with his eyes closed, concentrating on kissing him. Rafael could feel the love and concern in the kiss, and responded, turning more towards Sonny and putting his arms around him. They kept kissing for a few minutes, before drawing away to get their breath back.

When Rafael opened his eyes, he could see Sonny looking at his chest and froze. He couldn’t even breathe. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see Sonny’s reaction to seeing his scars.

Sonny put a hand on his shoulder. “Rafael, look at me, please.”

He reluctantly opened his eyes to see Sonny smiling.

“I’d say they have healed pretty well. Still a little pink, but I’m guessing that will fade more with time. Now your chest hair has grown back it covers most of the scars. They really aren’t that visible to me.”

Rafael looked at him suspiciously, but couldn’t see any signs that his lover was lying to him.

“Come into the bathroom and look for yourself,” Sonny suggested.

Rafael immediately shook his head. “No. This is enough for me to cope with right now,” he said. There was only so much he could manage at one time, and this was his limit.

“Okay then, another time. How about we get some sleep now?” Sonny asked.

Rafael smiled and nodded. Sleeping in his lover’s arms, without worrying about waking first to put clothing on sounded great to him. They both lay down and curled up together, turning the light out and gradually drifting off to sleep.

***

When Rafael woke up he could feel Sonny stroking his back gently, and felt his soft breath on his neck. He enjoyed the moment but then couldn’t resist moving, stroking through Sonny’s un-styled hair which was sticking up. The younger man immediately looked up and smiled at him.

“Good, you’re awake. As we have no plans for the next few hours, I thought I’d make the most of this and take advantage of you, if that’s okay with you?”

Rafael grinned. “Yeah, I’m sure I can put up with that.” He felt Sonny’s hands push him to lie on his back and his grin faded a bit, although he didn’t resist. It wasn’t too light yet in the bedroom, so Sonny probably didn’t have too good a view of his scars. Still, he didn’t feel entirely comfortable.

The feeling got worse as Sonny moved downwards, stroking his sides with both hands while his lips fastened on one nipple and sucked gently. Rafael gasped; he had always been sensitive there, and loved the feeling of getting his nipples sucked, but was also fighting pulling away, as from this close his scars would be very visible. He clenched his hands into fists in the bedclothes to stop himself pushing the other man away. Sonny moved sides to give attention to the other side, using his fingers on the spit-slicked nipple he had just moved his mouth away from. Rafael struggled not to move, loving the pleasure he was getting, but also wanting to hide away from Sonny’s eyes.

Soon the conflict was over, as Sonny moved downwards, stroking over the softness around his waist and kissing his abdomen, before moving still lower, and stroking his cock. Rafael looked down the bed, seeing Sonny look up at him and grin before his cock was lifted and Sonny took it in his mouth, licking over the head while still keeping eye contact with Rafael.

Rafael loved this; seeing Sonny with his lips stretched around his cock was such a thrill, and more than made up for how he had felt a few minutes earlier. He had an idea and pulled on Sonny’s arm, and gesturing for him to move his body. He wanted to be able to reach Sonny too.

A minute later they were curled up in the 69 position, and Rafael sucked on Sonny’s cock as he felt his own being sucked. This was great, and he allowed his thoughts to scatter as he immersed himself fully in the moment. He thrust harder into the mouth around him, knowing Sonny could take it, and gasped around the hardness in his mouth as he felt himself go over the edge, and felt pressure as Sonny swallowed around him. He came back to himself just in time to swallow as Sonny flooded his mouth with his seed.

They drew back, gasping, and lay on the bed to get their breaths back.

“Wow, now that’s a great way to start the New Year in my opinion,” Sonny said, and Rafael could hear the satisfaction in his voice. “The only thing that could make today better is if you’ll wash my back in the shower.”

There was silence as Rafael considered his response. He had never shared a shower with Sonny, not wanting to be fully naked with him under the bright lights of the bathroom, and he knew this was really what Sonny wanted, not his back washing. He avoided looking at Sonny, not sure if he could do this.

“Or coffee. Coffee would make my day better too. Do you want to make it while I have a shower?” he heard Sonny ask, in a gentler voice. He knew he was being given an out. Sonny wouldn’t push him into something he didn’t feel he could deal with. He still wavered, not sure what to say or do.

Sonny got up off the bed and kissed him gently on the mouth before heading to the bathroom. “Won’t be long,” he said, disappearing into the room. Rafael watched the bright lights come on, and heard the shower start up.

He moved slowly, getting out of bed and putting on his robe before walking into the kitchen. He added coffee grounds and water, getting out mugs, and then set the coffee machine going to make a pot of coffee for them both. Then he turned round again, heading back towards the bathroom. He made a deal with himself; if Sonny was still in the shower when he got to the bathroom, he would join him. His steps faltered as he got closer, and when he walked into the steamy room, he saw Sonny washing shampoo off his hair behind the glass doors of the shower. He swallowed hard and took a deep breath, then undid the robe with shaking fingers before taking it off and opening the door to the shower and walking in behind Sonny.

***

Sonny felt the cooler air at the same time he heard the door open. He stayed still, hardly believing this was happening. He had felt so disappointed when Rafael hadn’t reacted to him wanting a shower with him, but now it looked like it was going to happen.

He made a point of not turning round and looking at his lover, but just glancing at him over his shoulder and smiling, before passing the shower gel. “Just in time,” he said, and then looked away again; knowing Rafael would find it easier if he wasn’t looking at him.

He felt the shower gel being massaged into his back and leaned into the firm hands kneading his tense muscles. Once his whole back was covered, Rafael went lower, massaging his ass before pulling his cheeks apart and cleaning every inch. Sonny widened his legs and leant against the shower wall, giving even more access to his body.

Once Rafael had finished, Sonny was turned around by him so his back was to the shower spray, and the water cascaded down his back, rinsing him off. Sonny pulled Rafael closer and kissed him tenderly, then turned him so he could repeat the process on his back. He could feel how tense his older lover was and gave a bit of a massage at the same time, before turning and rinsing him.

Sonny smiled at Rafael. “I’m clean now, but I’m happy to stay and finish the rest of you, if you like?” He decided giving Rafael the option was kindest, as he could tell from the body language he was seeing how difficult his lover was finding this. He waited for a minute for Rafael to tell him he could manage on his own, but the words never came. So he decided to carry on.

“Well, as being mute isn’t your usual mode, you obviously aren’t awake yet so need the assistance. I think I’ll start with the fun bits,” he said, grabbing the shower gel and crouching down on the shower floor and reaching for Rafael’s hips. He rubbed gel into the cock and balls hanging in front of his face, and then moved down his legs, being very thorough and even lifting one foot at a time to clean it.

He stood up and exchanged the bottle in his hand for shampoo, and massaged this into Rafael’s head, being careful when rinsing to tip his head back so none went in his eyes. Then he washed his face with the facial soap.

“Are you okay?” he asked in a whisper before continuing. He saw the nod of Rafael’s head, but still the older man didn’t say anything. He picked up the shower gel again and lathered up both arms, his neck and shoulders, then slowly moved downwards, covering his chest with soap suds as he gently cleaned the one area he knew his lover didn’t want him looking at. He finished and moved Rafael into the shower spray, rinsing him all over before turning off the shower.

Both men stood in silence, and Sonny pulled Rafael into his arms, hugging him. “Thank you for trusting me,” he said quietly. He then opened up the shower and stepped out, grabbing towels for them both and roughly toweling himself off before wrapping it around himself and heading out of the bathroom.

“I’ll finish making the coffee,” he called as he left. He had a feeling Rafael needed a minute to process what he had done. He definitely was not himself, and this worried Sonny more than a cranky and irritable Rafael would have done. He knew he was pushing, but also felt it was worth it to get this elephant out of the room for good. He wanted Rafael to know he loved him and accepted him no matter what he looked like, scars and all.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where you find out where the fic title came from.

“Another win counsellor, you’re already on a roll this year, continuing where you left off last year,” Amanda Rollins commented as they walked out of court after yet another win. Since Rafael had been back at work after his assault, it had made him even more passionate about getting justice for their victims, which wasn’t surprising since he had been one himself. Gone were the days that he would put his career first and ignore cases that he didn’t think he could win; now he was seeing a difficult case as a challenge, and finding new ways to win.

“Yeah, last year was a great year for me,” he replied sarcastically. As usual it just bounced off the detective. She was used to his abrasive comments by now. He had made it quite clear when he got back to work that he didn’t want special treatment because of what had happened to him, and anyone who had tried to give it to him had gotten short shrift. Now they ignored it. Only people close to him like Liv and Sonny could get away with making comments about it. In the work context it was off limits.

“Well I for one am glad that one is over with a win on our side. He’s a sadistic bastard and I’m glad the jury saw that due to your cross of him. How about we grab a drink? Lucy’s got Noah on a playdate for another couple of hours,” Liv suggested. The other detectives agreed and Rafael allowed himself to be persuaded to join them.

They settled down in their usual booth with drinks for all before the conversation continued. Amanda was laughing at Sonny, as the waitress who had brought their drinks had been obviously flirting with him.

“Come on Carisi, you haven’t mentioned Miss 34B for ages and I’m sure if you were seeing someone else we would know about it, so why not go for it? She’s obviously smitten with you.”

“No thanks, Rollins. She’s not my type, and anyway, don’t assume you know everything about my life. Mind your own business,” he retorted, but Rafael saw him glance over in his direction, giving a pleading look.

Liv had obviously spotted it. She leaned over and murmured in his ear. “Have you guys discussed coming clean with the rest of the squad yet? He obviously wants to tell the others.”

He glared at her. “No we haven’t. You really think he wants people to know he’s attached himself to a scarred, old, sick guy? He could do so much better than me, and they would know it. Anyway, it’s early days.”

Liv looked at him in astonishment. “You don’t really still see yourself that way do you? I know Sonny doesn’t, and neither do I. You’re a great catch, despite what has happened.”

Now it was Rafael’s turn to look shocked. “Come off it Liv, you know that’s not true. I was never a good catch, and certainly am not now.”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He loves you, and is well aware of your failings. I think you’re great together, and so does he. You need to stop doubting yourself and him. Plus, you’re not sick, and no-one else knows about the aftereffects of the attack, and don’t need to. They would accept the two of you together, and be happy for you, plus it would enable Sonny to stop hiding. I think you should tell them.”

“What are you two whispering about?” Fin asked, leaning over to grab some snacks from the bowl in the middle of the table.

“Liv’s giving me unsolicited advice which I plan to ignore,” he answered, glaring at Liv before turning his attention to Fin. “So tell me about your grandson. Have you seen him recently?” he asked.

He allowed himself to ignore the rest of the table as he listened to Fin talk about his son and husband, and how they were coping with their new baby. It wasn’t that he thought the squad was homophobic – he knew they weren’t. But he really did think that they wouldn’t accept him with Sonny, and if they knew the truth about his HIV status, then they could turn on him for putting Sonny at risk. He didn’t want to risk it.

A bit later though, Sonny caught his arm as he was leaving the bathroom.

“What were you discussing with Liv? It looked serious and about me, considering she kept glancing my way.”

He sighed. “Yeah. She was asking why we hadn’t come out to the rest of the squad yet.”

“What did you say?” Sonny asked.

Rafael raised an eyebrow. “That we hadn’t discussed it yet, and that it was early days.”

Sonny sighed. “Early days? I don’t see it that way. As far as I’m concerned this is serious and long-term. I wouldn’t have got us to sign a contract or made decisions that will affect my life permanently if I didn’t consider it that way. If you do, then that is definitely something we need to discuss.”

Rafael ran a hand through his hair. “I really don’t think here and now is the place for this discussion,” he said, but then saw Sonny’s face and knew he couldn’t leave it there. “Look, I take us seriously too, but it was a good excuse to use on Liv as to why we’re keeping quiet.”

“Why do you want to keep it quiet? We’ve disclosed officially so it wouldn’t affect work. I want to tell my friends that I’m with you and happy. Why don’t you?”

“Are you sure? I know what they think about me. Do you really want to come out to them, tell them you’re with me? I’m sure they know you could do better.”

Sonny moved forward and took his hand in his own. “No, I can’t do better than you. You are perfect for me.” He grinned. “After them teasing me for years about my crush on you, it would be nice for them to know it wasn’t all one-sided, and that I’ve managed to catch you. I’m not ashamed of our relationship. I want everyone important to me to know about it.”

Rafael could feel a burst of joy in his heart at hearing Sonny say this. He knew the younger man meant it. He still had doubts himself, but couldn’t deny his lover what he wanted.

“If you’re sure you want to do this, you can tell them if you want to.” He saw the happy grin on Rafael’s face before he leaned forward and kissed him, quickly, but with feeling.

“Thanks. I’m going to do it now before you change your mind,” he said with a happy smile on his face as they made their way back to the main section of the bar to join the others.

This time Sonny indicated to Amanda that she should move round the table, which she did with a grumble, allowing the two men to sit together. It was a squeeze, but neither minded.

“So guys,” Sonny started. “You were asking me about my love life earlier, and now I’ve convinced my reluctant lover to admit we are a couple, so I thought you should know; Rafael and I are together.”

There was silence in the bar for a couple of seconds while Fin and Amanda glanced between the two men as if to check they were being serious. They obviously read the truth in their faces and body language.

“Congratulations!” said Fin, with a smile on his face. “I’m happy for you.”

“You really allowed Carisi to catch you then Barba? He’s been mooning over you for years. I thought you were immune to him by now,” Amanda commented with a sly grin to Sonny. He glared back.

Rafael laughed. “I did find him rather irritating at first, but over time he’s grown on me and worn me down.” He knew the expression on his face as he looked at Sonny betrayed his real feelings, despite the caustic words. He put a hand on Sonny’s thigh, below the table line, and squeezed it, feeling Sonny’s hand cover his and squeeze back. 

“Liv, aren’t you going to say anything?” Fin asked.

She looked at him with a smile. “I knew before this as they filed official disclosure papers a couple of weeks ago. I think they are great for each other. I’m glad they decided to let you two in on it.”

“Yeah, well someone needed convincing it was a good idea,” Sonny replied, with a pointed look at his lover. Rafael just smiled back. He was glad he had agreed. This had been a good idea.

***

“Can I ask you something?” Sonny asked in a low voice one night as they were lying in bed in the dark, before going to sleep.

“You just did,” was the sarcastic response.

Sonny jabbed him in the ribs, and heard a chuckle in response. “But you can ask me something else.”

Now Sonny hesitated, as he knew this might produce a strong negative reaction from Rafael, but wanted to get it out. It had been on his mind for weeks.

“Why is it that the scars are so difficult for you to cope with? Is it the fact they exist, or that they remind you of what he did to you, or just the word itself?”

Sonny could feel Rafael tense up and he held his breath, not knowing what to expect in response. There was silence for a few minutes before the older man replied.

“All of it I suppose. But the word in particular. I’m sure it wouldn’t bother me so much if it was random slashes rather than letters.”

Sonny pulled Rafael closer at the response. He appreciated the honest answer. “I can understand that. Maybe we can figure a way for you to feel better about them.”

Sonny heard Rafael snort. “I doubt it,” he replied before yawning. Sonny decided it was time to drop the subject for now and sleep.

The next day he did some reading on a forum he had found for survivors of attacks, specifically knife attacks where the survivor had been left with scars. He read one account of a woman left with multiple stab wounds. She said her husband and her used to play a game of ‘dot to dot’, coming up with ways of connecting her scars with drawings and words that made them laugh. She said it gave her some happy memories to counteract the bad ones when she looked at them, and that had helped her. It gave Sonny an idea.

On Saturday, they were having a lie in as neither of them were working, and Sonny decided now was the time to put his idea into action. He stroked and kissed Rafael, waking him up slowly, and then started to caress his body. As usual Rafael tensed slightly when he was by his scars, but nowhere near as much as he had done a few weeks ago.

Sonny reached into the bedside drawer on his side of the bed and drew out a thick marker pen, a pink one. He showed it to Rafael and asked “Do you mind?”

Rafael scrunched his eyebrows together. “What are you planning to do with it?” he asked, sounding bewildered.

Sonny smiled at him. “I know you don’t like the letters on your chest, but I don’t mind them. Two of the letters are wrong though. They could be improved, so I thought if you allowed me to, I’d do that.”

“Only two of the letters are wrong? They are all wrong. No-one should have words cut into them without their permission...”

Sonny leaned in and cut off Rafael with a kiss. “Trust me?” he asked in a whisper.

Rafael sighed, but nodded.

Sonny could feel him tense up more as he took off the cap of the pen and carefully changed the two letters he wanted to amend. Luckily with the way the scars had healed, it worked quite well. Now the V had been changed to an F, and the second to last letter R to a C.

Sonny sat back, happy with his handiwork. Rafael was trying to look down and see what he had done, but the dim lighting in the room and the angle prevented it. Sonny grabbed his phone and opened the camera app, turning it as if to take a selfie and passed it to Rafael. This enabled him to see better the letters, although they were backwards.

“Perfect?” Rafael said incredulously. “I’m hardly that!”

Sonny shook his head, taking his phone back off his lover and starting to caress him again. “You’re perfect for me, and that’s what’s important. That’s what I want you to think about when you see the scars. That I think you’re perfect for me, and how I can make you happy. What happened to you was terrible, and has changed your life. But it hasn’t all been bad. I doubt we would have got together if it hadn’t happened, and just think of all the pleasure you would have missed out on.”

By this point, Sonny was sitting astride Rafael’s hips, pulling on his hardening cock with one hand, while he opened himself up with the other. He put a condom on Rafael and then sunk down, taking him slowly inside himself.

Rafael moaned, and Sonny opened his eyes and rolled his hips, murmuring “Perfect; this feels perfect. You’re perfect for me.” He leant down and sucked on one of Rafael’s nipples and then pulled back, murmuring ‘perfect’ over and over as he traced over the letters on his chest and thrust his hips.

Sonny felt Rafael take hold of his hips and then thrust hard upwards, taking control of their movements. They locked eyes as they moved together faster, panting as they approached their peaks. Sonny came first, helped by Rafael’s hand, and then as he came down, he could feel Rafael arch up as his rhythm broke, and he followed him over the edge. They collapsed to the bed, shattered.

Sonny watched the heaving chest of his lover, seeing the letters he had written move up and down. He hadn’t been sure this would work; that Rafael would let him bring up the subject without shutting down, let alone permit him to write on him, but it had worked. He felt they had turned a corner. The huge elephant in the room that had been there when they first became lovers had been made smaller and smaller, thanks to the little steps they had taken over the last few months, and now he felt it had been banished completely between them.

This feeling was confirmed for him even more when they made their way to the bathroom a few minutes later. For the first time, Rafael looked at himself fully in the mirror. Up to now, he had always kept turned away, not willing to see the scars on his chest. But now he was deliberately looking at them.

“Perfect,” Sonny whispered in his ear, nibbling on his earlobe as they waited for the shower to heat up. He looked in the mirror and saw Rafael smile.


	12. Chapter 12

Two months later, everything was going well between them. Rafael had been accepted as part of the Carisi family, although this made him slightly uncomfortable. They were so different to what he was used to. His mom loved Sonny, and now got upset if he went alone to visit her, demanding to know why he hadn’t brought Sonny too. Even their friends were comfortable with them.

Health-wise, he was fine, and his last two viral load checks had been decreasing steadily. He was on his way there now, and was hoping it would be down to undetectable levels, which would make him officially not infectious.

He made his way across the street to the clinic, having walked from work to make the most of the sunshine. He crossed the road; passing by a black van parked on the opposite side, then entered the door to the clinic, holding it open for a woman who was leaving.

An hour later, he left with his bag of medication in his hand. He crossed the street, again walking by the black van that was still parked there. He stopped at the coffee shop and got himself a large coffee and cake in celebration, and rang Sonny to give him the good news as he sipped his drink. He watched the driver of the black van stare at him before he started the engine and then pull away. Just then Sonny answered the phone so he thought no more about it, intent on telling him the results he had just received.

That night, Sonny met him from work and they went out for a meal before they headed back to Rafael’s apartment, which they both considered home. As they walked out of the restaurant, they saw a flash from across the street, and then the sound of an engine start up. Rafael looked across the road and saw the same van he had seen earlier and the same driver grin as he pulled away and drove into the night.

“What the hell!” he exclaimed. “I saw that van earlier, outside the clinic, and the driver just took a photo of us.”

He saw Sonny was busy noting down the registration of the van. “I’ll check this out, but the damage may be done already.” He rang the precinct and asked to have the registration checked.

Rafael sighed. He knew if someone was having him followed to try and get dirt on him, they would probably be able to guess why he was at the medical center. It wouldn’t take a lot of effort for someone to realize an HIV clinic was running that day, and why he was attending it so many months after the attack and leaving with a prescription bag. It would make it pretty clear he was HIV positive. Now Sonny was potentially implicated too. He tried to remember what they had been doing when the photo was taken. He thought he had his arm around Sonny. This was bad.

“Come on, let’s get out of here,” he said, and hailed a cab. He didn’t want to be out in the open any longer.

When they got back to his apartment, he told Sonny what he had deduced. The younger man sighed.

“It’s either someone wanting leverage against you because of a case you are currently handling, or someone with a grudge who wants to expose and hurt you.”

“Well there is no way anyone is blackmailing me. I’ll expose myself before I give in and allow that to happen. But they got a photo of you, Sonny. You will need to distance yourself from me,” he said.

He immediately saw the anger in his lover. “No way. We are together and I’m not denying that or covering it up. We’ve done nothing wrong.”

“But Sonny. You don’t want to be associated with me if it’s made public that I am HIV positive,” he tried, but could see by the determination on Sonny’s face that it wasn’t going to work.

“I don’t care about that. It’s just playing into the stigma that surrounds HIV. If coming out as being with you helps in any way to reduce that stigma, then I have no problem with it. But we will need to make sure everyone around us knows. I probably will need to warn my family, and also Fin and Amanda.”

“Oh God, what a mess,” Rafael moaned, putting his head in his hands. “I’ll have to tell the DA and Carmen. At least my mom knows already.”

Sonny’s cell rang and he answered it. He wrote down the details he was being told and disconnected the call.  

“The van belongs to a private investigator, Ronald Andrews,” he said. “I’d better call Liv,” he continued, waiting for Rafael’s nod before making the call.

Rafael picked up his own cell phone and rang the DA.

***

Sonny had taken time off this morning and called an emergency family meeting. Gina couldn’t be there as she had been at work, but he had spoken to her on the phone and she was okay. He was more concerned about his parents.

He got round to their house on Staten Island and found them worried sick about why he had called this meeting. Bella was there too, along with Teresa. He took in a deep breath before starting.

“I called you here today because I need to let you know about something. A private investigator has been tailing Rafael and it is quite possible that we will be publicly outed as a couple. I want you to be very careful what you say to anyone, and not to speak to the press.” He looked round at his family and saw them nod their agreement.

“There’s something else you need to know, that might be made public too. You all know that Rafael was attacked 7 months ago, by Jeremy Johnson, who Rafael had put away for murder. Do you know much about the cases against Johnson? I know we haven’t discussed it.”

Sonny looked at his parents first, and saw them looking at each other before his Dad answered. “We read what it said in the papers at the time, especially as we knew you were involved in the case.” 

Teresa coughed, and then added “I looked it up online after you told us you were in a relationship with Rafael. I know Johnson abducted him, stabbed him repeated times and injected his own blood into him. Is that what this is about?”

Sonny nodded. “Yes. Johnson was HIV positive, and wanted to infect Rafael with the virus. He took antivirals to try and stop the infection, but it didn’t work. Rafael is HIV positive. This may come out.”

There was silence in the room as Sonny’s family took this in. His mom looked confused. “But you are in a relationship with him. Did you know this? Are you infected too?”

“No, I’m not infected. We’ve always been very careful to make sure I’m not at risk. I’ve always known about it as I was with Rafael when he was first diagnosed, and that was before we were together. I know it’s scary to think about HIV, but it’s not as bad as you think. Rafael is taking medication, and his viral load is now undetectable, which means he isn’t infectious. As long as he keeps taking the antivirals, he won’t become sick from it. I’ve been taking some meds too; to reduce the risk I could catch it.”

“But, you just said you were careful to make sure you weren’t at risk, but have been taking antivirals too. So have you been at risk? What about Freya?” Bella asked him.

He tried to remember they didn’t know as much about HIV as he did, and not react to her implying that he would ever put his niece in danger. It was only to be expected they would have questions he needed to answer. “Freya’s never been at any risk of infection. Spending time with someone with HIV, hugging, even kissing is not a problem. As for me, it’s only spread via bodily fluids, and as we’ve engaged in safe sex, it minimizes the chances of infection. But condoms can break, so I decided to take antivirals as well as an extra precaution. I’ve been tested regularly and I’m definitely safe.” He could see his parents squirm as he mentioned sex and condoms, but he ignored them and directed his answer at Bella.

“Any other questions?” he asked. No-one answered. “I’ve brought you some information which I’ll leave with you to read, and if you think of anything else, please ask me. I’ve got to go to work now, but I wanted to make sure you knew everything in case it does come out.”

“Are you and Rafael okay, Sonny? This must be very upsetting for you, thinking someone might make this public,” Sonny’s dad asked.

Sonny smiled. “Yeah, we’re fine. We don’t want our private business spread over the news, but we are committed to each other, and not going to let someone blackmail us. We will get through this. But please be careful if it does come out, as the press will want a quote from you, and preferably a negative one. I don’t want you to treat Rafael any differently next time you see him either.” He stared at each member of his family until they agreed, and then he hugged them and left, leaving a sheaf of leaflets and articles on the table for them.

When he got to work, he found that Ronald Andrews had been released. He knew his rights, and taking photos of people on a public sidewalk was not illegal. He refused to reveal who had hired him or what he had found out and passed on. All they could do was wait and see what happened.

Liv had told him that she had informed both Amanda and Fin that Rafael was HIV positive, with the ADA’s consent. She had also told them that he was negative. He nodded. They had discussed this earlier and he had expected it. He tried to get on with his paperwork, and ignore the looks from Amanda and Fin. When he went to the break room to get a coffee, they followed him though.

“Okay, what did you want to say,” he said, determined to get this over with.

Fin answered. “As a man with a gay son, I’ve always been worried about HIV. I know how scary it is to worry about someone you love potentially being at risk of infection. I’ve kept up with developments and know that it’s pretty controllable now. It’s still a big deal to get involved with someone you know has it though – you’ve got guts to do that. I’m proud of you.”

Sonny looked quite shocked at the praise. “Thanks Fin. I did think about it seriously before I got involved with Rafael. I’m taking PrEP too.”

He looked at Amanda. “Stay careful, stay safe. Barba’d better appreciate you,” she said fiercely.

He laughed. “He does, and we have been careful. He’s got an undetectable viral load now so is officially not infectious. We’re both fine and plan to keep taking the meds to stay that way.”

Just then, Liv came into the break room. “Guys, I think we’ve found who’s behind this. Peter Johnson has just given a statement to the press. His brother, Jeremy Johnson, died of AIDS yesterday.”

***

Rafael read the news website link that Sonny had sent him. It was sensationalist crap in his opinion. Peter Johnson blamed his brother’s death on everyone except the person really to blame – his brother. If he hadn’t stopped taking the antivirals because he wanted revenge on Rafael, the virus wouldn’t have become resistant to the medication and he wouldn’t have developed AIDS. But that’s not how he saw it, or his brother. In their opinion, the ADA had put him away for life and provoked him into taking revenge. It was God’s will (according to Peter Johnson) that the bad men were punished for their crimes; the five original victims of Jeremy Johnson and also Rafael. The story went on to reveal information about his life; that he was HIV positive, surmised by him leaving the medical center during an HIV clinic with a prescription, and was gay. Both these allegations were backed up by photos which supposedly proved them. He realized the photo of Sonny and himself could be taken as incriminating, but it could also be purely innocent. They were stood close together and smiling at each other. Not proof of anything other than that they spent time together.

He clicked off the website in disgust. It was a load of bullshit, but considering it was being published in a paper read by white supremacists that were against Latinos and gays, he was sure it would sell lots of copies when the online story was in print. The only thing that he was happy about was that Jeremy Johnson had died without knowing that he had successfully passed HIV on to him. He had denied the man that satisfaction at least.

His phone rang, and he picked it up to hear the DA’s secretary ask him to please come along and speak to his boss. He agreed then put the phone down. This was not how he had wanted his day to start.

***

The current District Attorney, Margaret Langston, had been in the job for a year, and so far he had found her pretty good. She was supportive of her ADA’s, although had shown she could be firm when needed, and since he had been attacked, she had always been there for him. Today he could read sympathy in her eyes as she poured him a coffee when he sat down in her office.

“How are you doing Rafael?” she asked.

He sighed. “I’d really hoped this wouldn’t come out,” he said. “I’m assuming you’ve read the story online?”

She nodded. “I know you have done nothing wrong. You disclosed when you started seeing Detective Carisi, and although you have never discussed your HIV status, you are under no legal obligation to do so. I can’t ask and you don’t need to tell me or anyone else.” Her piercing eyes bored into him, and he knew despite what she said, she would like to know the truth. 

“Yes, I’m HIV positive,” he stated. He knew that it was pretty pointless trying to keep this hidden at this point.

“I’m so sorry Rafael. Can I ask though,” she hesitated, as if not sure if she really should be asking. “I know from the article that Johnson was resistant to the drugs, so how are you?”

“I’m fine. The virus being resistant to one of the drugs is probably why the PEP didn’t work on me and resulted in me becoming infected, but as they knew from the onset about the infection and I was given effective antivirals immediately on seroconversion, it’s well under control. In fact my viral load is now undetectable, which makes me officially not infectious. As long as I keep taking them, there is no risk to me or anyone else from me being infected. Detective Carisi is negative, and knew I was positive before we got involved.”

He could see the relief on her face. “Well that’s some good news at least. Do you have a plan how to respond to this story? Is there anything I can do to help?” He looked at her and saw a genuine desire to help him through this.

“I’m not sure yet. I really haven’t had time to process it. I don’t know whether it’s best to deny everything, publicly at least, or just come clean so I can stop hiding. I know there may be backlash for me and Sonny if I did that though, but it would stop the tabloids following me around to try and get the truth. We really need to talk about it and make some decisions, but I haven’t seen him since the story broke.”

The DA drummed her fingers on the desk while Rafael drank his coffee. He knew she was calculating the pros and cons of both options from the position of the DA’s office. He would take that into consideration, but make his own decision. He knew she was aware of that.

“In many ways I think telling the truth is best. I know it may be difficult, but both the DA’s office and the NYPD have antidiscrimination regulations in place to stop you getting any backlash from this. I know Lt Benson well enough to know that Det Carisi would be protected by her, and you have my assurances that you would not need to worry about your position here if you should choose that route. The stigma surrounding HIV needs to end, and only by more people coming forward will that happen. Please, take some time off if you need it to decide on which course of action you want to take, and know that you have my full support, no matter which route you take.”

Rafael smiled at her, appreciating her backing. “Thanks Margaret. I might just do that. I need some time I think to decide. I’ll let you know my decision.” He finished his coffee and stood up, dropping the mug on the bureau on his way out of the office.

***      

Rafael had been barricaded in his apartment all day, ignoring his phone and door, knowing it was the press trying to get hold of him. He had been watching YouTube videos of various celebrities revealing their HIV status, most notably Charlie Sheen. He noted much of the emphasis on the interview was on the risky behaviors he was known for that may have resulted in him contracting the virus or putting himself or others at risk now he had it. None of those factors were ones that could be applied to him. He did note that all the interviews had him emphasizing how free he now felt at telling the truth, and in recent ones he had said he was glad he had revealed his diagnosis.

He considered what it would be like if he tried to hide this. Obviously he wasn’t a celebrity, but he had been in the press enough to know that it would be a story if he was confirmed as being HIV positive. This meant he would have to be on his guard all the time, and even if he denied it, the rumors would persist. But it was Sonny he was worried for. It being revealed that he was a relationship with an HIV positive man would not be helpful for his career. The stigma still remained, and this could only hurt him. Rafael wasn’t concerned about his career; he had no ambitions to move further up the ranks, but that wasn’t the case for his lover. Sonny was only just starting, and although he was currently protected by Liv, this wouldn’t be that case forever, especially if he decided to make the law his primary focus, rather than being a detective.

Rafael knew he couldn’t make this decision alone; he had to think about Sonny. If it was just up to him, he was leaning towards going public with his diagnosis, but if Sonny would prefer them to keep quiet, then he would do that. He couldn’t hurt Sonny, not after all he had done for him.

He heard the door to his apartment open, and glanced at his watch. It would be his mom. He had called her earlier and told her not to speak to the press, but to come round as soon as she could and let herself in with the emergency key he had given her. Judging by the time, she can come straight to him as soon as school had ended. He shut the laptop and headed to meet her.

“Oh Rafael, what is going on?” she cried, enveloping him in a big hug. “There are news vans outside.”

“Did you say anything?” he asked, returning her hug.

“No, I just ignored them and came inside. Luckily I don’t think any of them knew who I am. But what is happening?”

He pulled away and headed to the kitchen to put on some more coffee. While he made it, he explained the story that had been published online and would be in the print copy tomorrow.

They sat in the lounge with their drinks and he continued with telling her his current dilemma.

“So, I have to decide what to do; deny it or tell the truth. If I deny it, we will be hounded until the next story, and the rumors won’t die. But if the truth comes out, it could affect Sonny’s career.” He looked at her and could see she was upset.

“What do you want to do?” she asked gently.

He shrugged. “I think the truth would probably be best for me in the long run, but I won’t do that unless it’s what Sonny wants. It affects him too.”

She nodded. “Yes it does, but his opinion is not more important than yours. It’s your truth that you would be revealing. Your HIV status and your relationship status are different issues. Couldn’t you respond to the story by putting forward the truth about Johnson, and also saying you are HIV positive, but not revealing your relationship? Say it’s not up to you to out someone else.”

Rafael smirked. “If only it was that easy. I doubt any good reporter would let me get away with that.”

“But I know you with words – I doubt anyone could make you reveal something you don’t want to. Plus in your job you’re used to bending words to fit the narrative you want.” He could see pride on her face as she said this. He knew she had seen him in court on many occasions, and was proud of him, but it was nice to hear her confidence.

“I’m sure you could pick who to interview you too, and set ground rules. It’s not as if you would have to go out there to that mob and just speak to anyone. If you do this, do it on your terms. That’s what I did when I dealt with the press after the negative publicity at the school a few years ago.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I remember. I’ll think about it.” Although the situation hadn’t been similar at all, he knew the interview his mom had done in a controlled environment had quietened things down after there had been an incident in the school where one student had injured another with a knife.

They chatted for a while longer before Lucia had to leave. She had a school event that evening to attend. Rafael got an extra-long hug goodbye from her, and assurances that she wouldn’t say anything to the press.

Not long after that, Sonny got home from work, using the back entrance to the building that the press weren’t covering. Although they weren’t officially living together, Sonny was spending all his time at the apartment, and only using his place as a mail drop. They had discussed letting his lease lapse when it was up for renewal next month, but Rafael hadn’t been sure that they were ready for that step. Coming out and revealing their relationship in public would be a more serious step than that though.

“Hi Rafael. I finally escaped at last. Liv said I could go early but the interview I was doing just went on and on.” Sonny unwrapped his scarf, shrugged out of his coat and toed off his shoes before joining his lover on the coach, immediately wrapping both arms around him and diving in for a long kiss.

“Hmm, that’s what I’ve been waiting for all day,” Sonny murmured into Rafael’s ear, before nibbling his earlobe and then making his way down his jawline back to his mouth again.

Rafael allowed himself to be distracted for a few minutes, and then reluctantly pulled away.

“How did it go this morning with your family? Did they take it okay?”

Sonny shrugged. “About as I expected. I had to stop myself biting Bella’s head off when she asked if Freya had been at risk of being infected, but otherwise okay. They won’t say anything to the press, and I’ve told them to ring me if they have any other questions. At least they know now. How was today for you?”

Rafael filled him in on his conversation with the DA.

“So what do you want to do?” Sonny asked.

Rafael sighed then turned to watch Sonny’s reaction. “I’ve been going over it all day without a definite conclusion. I want to do what’s best for both of us. You are affected by whatever decision I make. What do you think?”

Sonny got up and headed to the kitchen, and Rafael heard the fridge door open and then the bottle top clattering to the countertop before his lover returned to sprawl next to him again. He took a swig of the beer before replying.

“It’s still your decision as the press is mainly about you. Yes there is a photo of us together and the allegation that you are gay, but the more sensationalist stuff is about the HIV. I knew going in to this what the repercussions could be, and I personally have no problem coming clean about our relationship or my HIV status. We’ve disclosed at work, with paperwork in our files, so I think it’s only a matter of time before that is revealed anyway. But whether you reveal your HIV status is up to you. The people close to us know, and there is no obligation for you to tell anyone else if you don’t want to.”

Rafael nodded his agreement. “Part of me wants to counter this crap by coming clean, so we don’t need to hide any more, but there is still a stigma to being gay, and revealing our relationship will probably affect your career adversely, especially if it’s known you have an HIV positive partner. I don’t want to do that to you.”

Sonny laughed. “I’m not planning on changing jobs any time soon, even though I now am a fully qualified lawyer. I enjoy being a detective. I’ve no great career aspirations, and if me coming out can help reduce the stigma against gay men and HIV positive ones, then I’m all for it.”

Rafael sighed. “You didn’t sign up for this when you got involved with me.”

Sonny just cuddled into him more closely. “Of course I did. I knew what could happen and I don’t regret it. If it bothers you, maybe you should make it up to me…” He trailed off and Rafael felt his hand pulling his head lower until he could kiss his lover. This he could do.


	13. Chapter 13

The next day Rafael met with the media consultant who worked for the DA’s office, who suggested a couple of options for reputable papers and reporters he could do an interview with. They narrowed down the choice, and the consultant arranged a meeting for him with one of their best reporters. Rafael had had dealings with Linda Cousins before, and was happy with their decision. The consultant agreed the rules for the interview with Rafael, and said she would get back to him once the terms of the interview were agreed. One of these was that the interview would be about his HIV status and the implication that he was partly to blame for Johnson’s death, and not discuss anything else.

When he met with her, they made small talk for a couple of minutes before getting going with the interview.

“So, no doubt you have read this article,” she said, waving the offending newspaper so he could see the piece about him. “You wanted to get your response on the record. What do you have to say about it?”

“Most of it is nonsense,” he replied. “Jeremy Johnson was an evil man. He was jailed for life for brutally murdering 5 men who had done him no wrong. I did my job in prosecuting his case. He was given a fair trial, and the jury saw the truth and found him guilty. He then of his own accord decided to make this personal and attack me for doing my job.”

“He escaped prison with the help of his brother and another inmate, and then abducted you when you were out for a run on Sunday 23rd July. What was that like for you?”

“It was awful. One minute I was jogging along the street and the next I was pulled into an alley and attacked. I lost consciousness and when I came to, I was tied up in an abandoned building. I had no idea that he had escaped but knew very well what he had done to his previous victims. I was terrified he would kill me.”

“You were held hostage for two days before he was caught and you were rescued. What happened in that time?”

Rafael tensed. He didn’t want to reveal the full extent of what had happened, but knew she had read a copy of the court transcript from the trial so would know.

“He kept me bound with flexi cuffs. He punched and kicked me, cut me with a knife, and injected me with his own blood.” 

She nodded. “During his court case he revealed he was HIV positive, and you said in the trial that he injected you with his blood deliberately in order to try and infect you. Did he succeed?”

Rafael tensed. This was the question he was expecting and dreading, even knowing it was coming. “Yes he did. I was put on a course of PEP as soon as I was rescued, but he had come off his medications a few weeks before he took me. This had enabled the virus to become resistant to one of the antivirals, so it was less effective when I took it. PEP is a great regime and effective in most cases where someone has become exposed to HIV, but it doesn’t work always. I was diagnosed as HIV positive 7 weeks after the abduction.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Louise said, and he could see genuine sympathy in her eyes. “How are you?”

“I am fine. I’m on effective medication and my viral load is undetectable, which makes me non-infectious. The challenge is more dealing with the mental aspects of this infection. The social stigma is much harder to live with than the medical aspects of the condition. Nowadays it is a treatable, chronic disease which doesn’t reduce life expectancy. Type 2 diabetes has a much worse prognosis than HIV does, but still people are discriminated against because of outdated fears of the disease. If people are tested and infection treated quickly, it is quite possible to stay healthy with HIV. Society’s attitude needs to change and people need to be educated on the realities of HIV now. Incredible progress has been made against HIV but most people are not aware of that.” This was what Rafael wanted to say in this interview, and he made sure he got in all his points.

“I assume the emotional toll of the disease was difficult to deal with,” she questioned. 

 “Yes,” he agreed. “I admit that when this all happened to me, I wasn’t up to date on progress and the prospect terrified me, but once I learnt the reality I felt much better. Throughout it all, I have had great support from those close to me, but dealing with not knowing if I would contract the disease and also the recovery from my injuries and the strain of the trial didn’t help. Depression is common following HIV diagnosis, and this is another illness that has a stigma attached. Mental health is as important as physical health but is often not understood. I now feel fully fit though, mentally and physically.”

“Jeremy Johnson passed on the same strain of HIV to you, and has just died of AIDS. Does that worry you?”

Rafael smiled slightly. “Not at all. He was diagnosed as HIV positive at a late stage, when the virus had already compromised his immune system, and he exacerbated things by coming off his medication. I am in a completely different situation. Yes I know this could kill me if I stopped taking the antivirals, but many people are in the same position. Asthmatics can die if they stop using their inhalers, diabetics if they stop taking their insulin, and heart patients if they stopped their medications. Up to 70% of Americans take one or more prescription medications. I have now joined that majority. Other than that, my life goes on as usual.”

Louise shifted slightly on her seat and Rafael stiffened. He had a feeling the interview was about to change tack. Despite the agreement before the interview that the subjects would be limited, he hadn’t really expected her to stick to that. He knew she would try and get more out of him.

“Speaking of life going on as usual, one of the allegations in the article we are discussing is that you are gay. Is that true as well?”

Rafael glared at her. “My personal life has nothing to do with the public, and really, in 2017, it shouldn’t matter whether anyone is gay, straight, bisexual, transsexual, asexual, lesbian, queer or intersex. It has no bearing on how I approach my job, my status, or on how I contracted HIV, which are the subjects we are discussing today.”

The reporter paused, as if deciding whether to push the issue further.

“True, but as a man who has just admitted he has been diagnosed as HIV positive, that does have a bearing on your life. You are legally obligated to reveal your HIV status to any sexual partners you have.”

She seemed immune to his best glare, but he had expected that.

“As a lawyer, I am well aware of my obligations to inform any sexual partners of my HIV status, and it is something I would always do. I would never put anyone at risk from this virus. But that doesn’t mean I am willing to discuss my personal relationships in public. I don’t have the right to expose anyone to press scrutiny who hasn’t agreed to it.”

“So Detective Carisi hasn’t agreed to your relationship being made public? Is he ashamed of your relationship or concerned about being associated with a man who is HIV positive?”

He knew that Sonny wouldn’t have minded it if he admitted their relationship, but the way she had tried to force it out of him against the terms of the contract made him determined not to give in. Rafael counted to 10 in his head before responding with his coldest voice. “I am terminating this interview. No-one would willingly subject themselves to press harassment who didn’t have to, or allow their loved ones to do so on their behalf. We discussed the terms of this interview before we started and you agreed. You have reneged and I won’t forget that.” He stood up and picked his coat up before walking out of the room. He had a feeling this had been a bad idea.

***  

Sonny listened with horror as Rafael recounted the end of the interview. “Rafael! I know she agreed not to discuss it, and then went back on her word, but leaving it without answering those questions will just make things worse. You should have admitted it, like we discussed.”

Rafael took a large gulp of his whiskey before pouring himself another one. “We discussed it, but I never agreed to do that. I don’t want to subject you to press harassment just because you’re with me.”

“You don’t think the press is still going to be there, harassing us, until they know the truth? They aren’t going anywhere. When the interview comes out she will just spur them on even more to find out the truth. She can imply you wouldn’t answer because I am ashamed of our relationship, and as long as you are unwilling to talk, people will believe it. It will undo all the good you did in that interview by getting out the truth about HIV infection.”

Rafael smirked. “No she won’t imply anything. There is a lawyer making sure of that right now. She signed an agreement prior to that interview and if she breaks it in print I will sue. She won’t do that and risk her job.”

Sonny shook his head. “Still, it would have been better to admit it. It’s going to come out sooner or later anyway.”

“Maybe, but not through her. She was pretty professional up to that point, but then ruined it by letting her tabloid journalistic tendencies out. I wasn’t about to reward her for that. If you really feel you need to make a statement, then you can do so. But not to her.”

Sonny sighed. “Let’s forget about it for now. The others are on their way round with takeout.” He saw the look Rafael gave him. “Don’t look at me like that. I’ve often had the squad round in the past, and they wanted to show you their support. As you can’t leave here because of the press, they decided to come over to you. They mean well.”

He saw Rafael sigh but he nodded his agreement. Liv had come up with the idea, knowing that Rafael would probably stew over the interview all night unless his mind was taken off it. Sonny had other ideas on how to distract his lover, but wasn’t about to mention that to his boss. Fin and Amanda were good friends and they were keen to be supportive, any way they could, and he didn’t want to discourage that.

He went to change and then put plates in the oven to heat up. Rafael changed too, and then cleared away the dishes from breakfast, just as the doorbell sounded. The ADA checked who it was then buzzed to let them in, and a few minutes later he ushered the three members of SVU into their home.

Amanda and Fin busied themselves with helping Sonny unpack the food, while he could see Liv questioning Rafael about the interview. He decided the rest of them keeping out of it was for the best, so they discussed work cases until everything was set up for them to eat. He could tell that Liv and Rafael had disagreed but both of them changed the subject when they joined the others at the dining room table.

Discussion over dinner was mainly about work, although Fin regaled them with photos of his grand-daughter, which led to more children-talk, with the two women discussing their offspring, while Sonny chimed in about Freya. He was very conscious of Rafael brooding though, so changed the subject when he could back to something where Rafael could join in.

It was a pleasant evening, and Sonny felt it had helped Rafael, although probably Amanda and Fin more, as they felt useful. They had both subtly tried to show their support during the evening, and Amanda had even given the ADA a hug goodbye as she left, which was not like her.

As they got ready for bed, Sonny debated whether to bring up the subject again, but decided leaving it alone wouldn’t do them any good.

“So what did Liv have to say about the interview? I assume that was what you were discussing.”

Rafael scowled at Sonny. “Yes we were. She agrees with you.”

Sonny tried to keep the smile off his face. He had discussed his views with Liv earlier that day, so wasn’t surprised at this.

Rafael obviously caught the smile and glared at him.

“Look, it’s done now, for better or worse. We just need to agree a way to fix it,” Sonny tried with a placating tone. “I really think me giving a statement or interview would be best. If you want to find out who Louise Cousins’ biggest rival is so I can give it to him or her, then that’s fine by me.”

Rafael sat down on the bed, knowing when he was defeated. “George Roberts is her biggest threat in her job. But what if he tries to go outside the scope of the interview like Louise did?”

Sonny shrugged. “What could he possibly try and bring up? We have nothing to hide.”

“He could imply you have influenced my trying of cases,” Rafael suggested.

Sonny laughed. “We disclosed as soon as we got involved with each other, and both NYPD and the DA’s office will confirm that. He doesn’t have a chance with that.” Sonny knew he had won this argument and saw his lover nod his head and sigh.

“I’ll talk to the press officer for 1PP tomorrow and sort something out, but won’t go ahead until we’ve discussed it more. Let’s forget about this for now, as I’m sure we can find something more interesting to do.” He stripped off his top, seeing Rafael watching his every move. Even with the months they had been together, he knew how much the sight of himself naked turned Rafael on, so made the most of it, slowly undoing his belt and then touching himself through his pants before shimmying out of them.

He saw the gleam in Rafael’s eyes as they darkened, and he stalked around the bed to claim his lover. This was what Sonny wanted, and worth whatever hassle he had to go through to keep.

***

The press advisor at 1PP was happy to set up an interview for Sonny with the reporter, and it was agreed that this would take place at SVU, with Liv present as well. George Roberts had known about how the interview of Rafael by Louise Cousins had gone, and had heard the bosses had ripped her a new one over her ignoring the agreement made before it. He was very happy to benefit from this.

Sonny was planning on keeping this short, and Liv was only there as a witness and also to verify his disclosure, should George ask about it. He was still nervous though, despite reading the published interview that Louise Cousins had done. In it there was no mention of Rafael having a partner that may not be willing to come forward. The interview had mentioned that he stated he would inform partners of his HIV status, and left it at that. Obviously the threat of a law suit had worked.

George Roberts sat down and turned on his tape recorder.

“Detective Dominick Carisi, Jnr; known as Sonny. You’ve been working here as a detective at the Special Victims Unit for 3 years, and are now also a licensed lawyer, having passed the Bar exam this year. Do you have plans to change career?”

Sonny relaxed a bit. “Not at the moment, no. I am happy working for SVU, and as a detective, I can still use my legal knowledge in catching criminals, before the ADA gets involved. We’re all on the same side, and want to see justice done.”

“You don’t intend to become a defense attorney then?”

He laughed. “Definitely not. I’ve spent my entire career so far catching the bad guys, and don’t see myself switching sides.”

“I suppose giving evidence and working with ADA Rafael Barba while being here at SVU helped you with your legal studies?”

Sonny stiffened slightly. “Yes, it did. I was able to see many of the legal precedents I learnt about being used in actual cases, as well as spending time in court and hearing both sides of legal arguments.”

“So did this working relationship lead to something more personal?” George asked.

Sonny took a deep breath in before answering. “Yes. We worked together closely and from that became friends. We started seeing each other romantically in December last year and disclosed a few weeks after that.”

George looked at Liv, and she confirmed that disclosure had been made at that time.

“ADA Barba was diagnosed with HIV 7 weeks after he was abducted by Mr. Johnson, according to this recent interview he gave, which would have been in September. When did you become aware of his diagnosis?”

“I gave him a lift to the clinic and was with him when he was diagnosed,” Sonny revealed.

“Not everyone would be willing to get romantically involved with an HIV positive partner. Didn’t that worry you?” George asked.

Sonny shook his head. “I’d done plenty of research after the abduction when I was aware that Rafael was at risk, and so was pretty well informed about the prognosis and treatment. But I also knew how to protect myself and when I got involved with him, we both took precautions to ensure I didn’t become infected.”

What were they?” George asked.

Sonny wanted to continue what Rafael had started in trying to reduce the stigma of HIV, otherwise he wouldn’t have considered answering such a personal question. But he did, knowing the people reading this article needed to know they didn’t need to worry about HIV.

“I saw a doctor and was prescribed PrEP or pre-exposure prophylaxis. That involves one tablet to be taken per day, and is for anyone at high risk of HIV. It reduces the risk of getting HIV by more than 90%, and combined with safe sex practices, the risk is much lower. I have regular HIV tests which have all been negative. Rafael now has an undetectable viral load which means he is no longer infectious.”

George flipped through his notes before asking his next question.

“In the same interview, ADA Rafael Barba did not mention you, yet today you are speaking to me. Why is that?”

Sonny sighed. “Rafael didn’t believe it was his place to ‘out’ me in public as a gay man in a relationship with him, especially with the stigma of him having HIV. He also would have preferred to keep our private life out of the press. But I know some people may take that the wrong way, so I wanted to make it clear that I am very happy with him, and have no problem with the fact that he is HIV positive. We are just like any couple, and want to be left alone to enjoy our life together.”

“Thank you Detective Carisi. I appreciate your candor.” George Roberts stood up and turned off his tape recorder, putting it in his pocket and then shaking hands with Sonny. Liv saw him out and Sonny slumped in his chair. Thank goodness that was over.

*** 

Four months later and Rafael and Sonny were enjoying the 4th July fireworks over the park from their apartment. Sonny had given notice and officially moved in, and although Rafael had grumbled about some of his stuff, they had gone through it and pared it down. Rafael had reluctantly given up some of his multitude of suits in order to make space for all of Sonny’s clothing, and life had gone on as before.

Health-wise, both of them were doing great. Rafael was having regular check-ups but his viral load remained undetectable, and Sony’s HIV test was always negative. He continued talking PrEP to make Rafael happy though the undetectable viral load result meant that it wasn’t strictly necessary, especially with them using condoms. Sonny was willing to do this though to make his ultra-cautious lover happy.

Everything was going great between them, perfect even. Sonny was nervous tonight though. He had cooked them a romantic meal and they had shared a bottle of wine before watching the fireworks. This was not his ultimate plan for the evening though, and that was why he was nervous.

He wiped his sweaty hands on his pants before joining Rafael on the balcony again. He came up behind his lover and folded his arms around him, resting his head on his shoulder.

“You make me so happy. I love you Rafael,” he murmured, before turning his head and kissing the skin of his neck.

He felt Rafael stroke his arms before turning around within the circle of them and tilting his head up to kiss him.

“I love you too. I never thought I could feel this happy.”

Sonny leaned in for another kiss, letting passion overtake him until he pulled back to breathe. Now was the time. He was determined to do this. He took a deep breath in to steady himself.

“Will you marry me, Rafael?”

He could feel his lover freeze in his arms, before he opened his eyes after their kiss and locked gaze with Sonny.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked in a husky voice.

Sonny nodded. “Very sure. So will you?”

He saw the answer on Rafael’s face before he said it, the grin spreading over his face.

“Yes,” Rafael agreed, before Sonny was pulled in for another kiss.

He felt overcome with joy. This time he pulled his lover inside, knowing he wasn’t planning to stop and not wanting their neighbors to see them. He walked forwards, backing Rafael towards their bedroom, and pulling off clothing as they want. It hindered their progress, with them nearly tripping while trying to take their pants off, but by the time they made it to the bed they were naked.

Sonny held himself above Rafael before slowly letting his weight down so he was touching his lover head to toe. He could feel their erections brush each other and then ground his hips down, eliciting a gasp from his lover. He grinned. He made the same move again before crawling down the bed, grabbing the lube and a condom on the way.

He kissed every available patch of skin, hardly noticing the scars on Rafael’s chest now, instead concentrating on stimulating his nipples on his way down to his groin. He sucked his cock into his throat before backing off, and moving further down. His balls were licked and gently sucked too, before he put one arm behind Rafael’s leg and raised it up, giving him access to his entrance.

Sonny licked around the puckered entrance, hearing groans from his lover. This was the first time he had done this, but the sounds he was hearing were of encouragement. He grinned and then attacked the area in earnest, licking and sucking, and penetrating the tight passage with his tongue, before slicking up a couple of fingers and using those to prepare his lover. He was too close himself to keep torturing Rafael.

He knelt up to put on the condom, and then moved back into position, with Rafael wrapping both legs around his waist. He slowly pushed into his lover, gazing at him and seeing the pleasure in his eyes, dark with lust. “I love you,” he gasped as he continued to slide fully into his lover. He kissed him slowly, and then pulled out before thrusting in again.

The pace of their movements sped up as the pleasure intensified, and they had to stop kissing as they panted for breath. Their rhythm broke as both men reached their peaks, and then they slumped down on the bed. They cleaned up after recovering their breaths, and then curled up together to get some sleep, still with smiles on their faces

***

Rafael opened his eyes to see Sonny gazing at him adoringly. Now he didn’t have any problem with Sonny seeing him naked in daylight. He had been reassured about his scars enough to not have a problem with them most of the time now.

He smiled and returned the look. Despite how good their relationship was, he had always been worried that it might not last; that Sonny might tire of him or decide to find someone else without his baggage. Those worries had receded over the last 6 months now and had gone completely with the proposal Sonny had made to him last night. It was what he wanted, although he never would have suggested it himself; he still didn’t feel it was fair to tie Sonny to him for life, although those doubts weren’t as strong as they had been a few months ago. 

“So how soon are you going to make an honest man of me?” Sonny asked, as if he could read Rafael’s mind.

Rafael grinned. “As soon as possible. I think I should make sure to catch you before you come to your senses.”

Sonny laughed. “Don’t you know by now that you can’t get rid of me? You’re perfect for me and I’m never letting you go.”

Rafael cuddled into his side. “Good. That’s what I’m counting on. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live.”

“I do,” whispered Sonny before kissing him again.

Rafael tightened his arms around his lover. The last year had been horrible, with his abduction and HIV diagnosis, but he couldn’t regret it. Without the abduction he might never have started a relationship with Sonny and that was the best thing in his life. They weren’t perfect, but they were perfect for each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the positive comments and kudos for this fic. I really appreciate the support, and promise I'll post again soon. xx


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